New Toulouse

Following a sharp rise in reports of local hauntings, a fresh survey of ghostly activity is taking place in New Toulouse Parish.

The Spectral Activity Survey will continue through December 5, so be on the lookout for any haints, spooks, wraiths, phantoms, specters, poltergeists, or other apparitions. Citizens who register 20 ghosts with the Beacon Spiritualist Institute will gain access to gifts organized by the Taloo Boosters Society.

“The ghosts of this parish, among them the oldest inhabitants of the area, have for too long been without a voice,” said Richard Mains, a recently deceased candidate for New Toulouse mayor. “Since many ghosts are housebound, we call upon the living to find us and tell our stories.”

The most recent survey of this type was undertaken in November 1914, when 2,720 spirits were reported in this parish.

To get started finding ghosts, visit the Beacon Spiritualist Institute at 23 Nightingale Street, New Toulouse, and pick up your “Ghost Hunter’s Kit.”

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Jack Mondieu, Ace Reporter, is awfully fond of spirits.

Dear Madam,

I am sure other readers of this estimable publication were as shocked as I to learn of the untimely demise of Mayor-Elect Mr. R. E. Mains. However, let us not dwell on melancholy subjects, but reflect for a moment on what it means for our fair City. However genuine he may have been, Mr. Mains was not a native of New Toulouse. He could not possibly hope to understand what makes us “tick,” as it were. High ideals and fine ideas are all very well and good, but Taloosters live in the real world. I am afraid Mr. Mains and his “policies” were simply too rarefied for us down-to-earth and simple folk. By contrast Mayor Godenot is one of us. He is a Talooster to his fingertips. Let us not rejoice at the loss of a life, but remain conscious that Fate has thrown us a much-needed lifeline. It is time to look to the future; I look forward to Mayor Godenot’s continuing patronage of my humble establishment.

I should also like to mention, without starting any wild rumors or speculation of the kind I abhor, that the Mains family tomb appears to have been paid for by a lady whose reputation in New Toulouse is hardly of the highest. It is to be hoped that she does not lose the mausoleum in a poker game, as the new owners might well evict the sitting tenants, and we have zombies enough without adding to their number.

I remain, yours faithfully

Francesca Alva

New Toulouse chose Richard Mains as the new mayor in Saturday’s election, but he will never occupy that office.

When Mrs. Ethel Varnish, proprietress of 26 Basin Street, entered the top floor of that establishment to change the linens, she found Mr. Richard E. Mains dead in his chair. The face bore a ghastly expression of fright.

Mr. Mains had been dead for several hours when the body was discovered Sunday morning, according to Dr. X. Y. Zedaker, who was called on the case. The death was probably due to apoplexy.

The office of mayor goes to the candidate with the next-highest number of votes: Mr. Henri Godenot, the incumbent.

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Jack Mondieu is ready to return to a quiet life of journalism but is still committed to destroying the sun in his spare time.

In a stunning upset in yesterday’s election, challenger Richard E. Mains has defeated the incumbent mayor, Henri Godenot.

“I thought I had it locked up,” said Godenot. “In fact, every person I talked to told me that he had voted for me!”

It was a campaign like none New Toulouse had ever seen. Mayor Godenot, a stalwart of the Regular Alliance Organization, received 9 votes in yesterday’s election; the victor, Mains, ran on the new Citizens’ Party ticket and took 11 votes. Jack Mondieu, representing the Destroy the Sun Party, had a very respectable showing, with 5 votes, or 20 percent of the total. Voter turnout was 113 percent.

Mr. Mains was jubilant at his victory party. Between toasts of “We did it!” and “Champagne for everyone!” he explained his campaign and his plans for the city. “We had a simple message—that elected officials in this city were corrupt and needed to be replaced. Without those rascals skimming from the city coffers, we can afford improved education for our children, better drainage, and a cheaper, fairer tax base.”

In his concession speech, Mr. Godenot said, “It is with a heavy heart that I am here to concede the mayoral election to my opponent, Richard Mains. Mains ran a good, clean campaign, and he will make you a fine mayor. Please give him the support that you didn’t give me. Thank you, those of you who voted for me, and rest well, those of you who didn’t. With the election over, I plan to spend some time away, but I’ll be back to look over my business concerns. Keep a watchful eye on the bayou, and stay safe and dry this hurricane season.”

Today I found Mr. Godenot in his old office in City Hall, making notes on a large yellow pad from a huge stack of files. He looked haggard and tired. “It’s my own fault,” he admitted. “I spent a lot of money for votes, and that was probably making my opponent’s claims ring true. I would have been better off if I had bought Mondieu’s endorsement and given women the vote. I’m very popular with the fairer sex in New Toulouse—it’s their husbands who don’t like me. Beedit and Francesca wrote very nice testimonials for me, and if they’d been able to vote for me, I would have tied him. And if I had bought Mondieu’s endorsement and gotten his votes, I would have beaten Mains outright.”

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Gigi Lapin lives in New Toulouse Bayou with her pet crawfish, Jimbo.

In the caption of yesterday’s “Sightings,” the word “protest” was accidentally used in place of “hullabaloo.” We regret the error.

Fellow-citizens,

I want to take a plank from the platform of my worthy opponent, Mr. Jack Mondieu. Mr. Mondieu has claimed that if elected, he will lower your rent and taxes. That is a wonderful sentiment, but meaningless when it comes from a man whose party platform demands the destruction of the sun. But it is a fine idea, and I will offer the same promise. If elected as mayor, I will clean up the government, reduce expenses, and reduce your rent and taxes. I know that I can do this, because I know that I can remove the waste in the city budget.

Richard Mains
Citizen’s Party candidate for mayor of New Toulouse

I cannot tell you how disappointed I am in the campaign of little Dickey Mains. He knows that he cannot beat me in a fair race, so he is funding the false campaign of the improbable DESTROY THE SUN Party to pull votes away from me. Don’t help them. Jack Mondieu is a nice guy, but he’s a journalist, and we know that his newspaper doesn’t pay him well. Don’t donate to the DESTROY THE SUN Party, the money goes to little Dickey Mains. If you want to help Jack, give him money directly, but give your vote to me.

Now about my real opponent, little Dickey Mains. His former company hurried up and reopened their office here to save face—if they didn’t do that, the State would have pulled their Insurance Certificate and forbade them from doing business anywhere in the State. So it looks less embarrassing for them that way. But did you notice they didn’t endorse him? Ha! He stole their money and caused them all of that embarrassment! They wouldn’t endorse him because of all of the money he cost them, but they have to play nice or people will cancel their policies!

I also want to express my sympathy to the family of Mrs. Luella Mains, née Henican. This poor woman did perish last year under mysterious circumstances, and her evil husband is using her insurance money to run for Mayor of New Toulouse. He’s not mayor material, he has no mayoral experience, no family background, and only moved to New Toulouse two years ago to open a fraudulent insurance agency and defraud everyone he’s ever met! Don’t vote for this man who thinks he can just buy the election. Vote for me, Henri Godenot.

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This political advertisement was paid for by the Committee to Re-Elect A Mayor (CREAM).

Hello, my name is Richard Mains, and I want to be your mayor. As I see it, there is only one obstacle to my goal, and that is the current mayor. I don’t want to mention him by name—you know who he is—but I want to refute the terrible things he has been saying about me.

He said, “How did he get so rich?” I’ll tell you about my financial status. I worked hard for years for the Mutual Independent Insurance Company, right here in New Toulouse, and I saved my money, the same way I’d like to save your taxes. Then my beloved wife passed away, and she was insured by Mutual Independent. I sincerely believed in the product I sold, so I bought a policy for her. I am living testimony that it’s a good product from a good company. I lost my dear wife, but our careful financial planning has given me the ability to attain my goals and lead New Toulouse to a brighter, more honest, less corrupt future. I humbly request your vote for mayor.

Richard E. Mains
Citizens’ Party

Sirs—

A recent item in the New Toulouse Tattler claimed that our Company, Mutual Independent, fired our New Toulouse Agent, Mr. Richard E. Mains. This is in fact untrue. While Mr. Mains no longer works for our company, we did not in fact terminate him. Mr. Mains and our Company merely terminated our Employment Agreement, and have gone our separate ways. This statement is not intended to be an endorsement for Mr. Mains; our company policies forbid us from endorsing and candidates for public office. We thank you for the opportunity to correct the previous misstatement, and wish both candidates the very best of luck. Please note that our new Agent in your area is Mr. Agricola Fusilier, doing business in the same location for over a fiftieth of a century.

Neptunus Thornton, sec’ty
Mutual Independent Insurance Company

I want to let you know what kind of man my opponent is. Richard E. Mains, the slippery candidate of the entirely fictitious Citizens’ Party is going to run against me for Mayor. Haha, the CITIZENS’ PARTY! We know all of the Citizens in New Toulouse, and they go to parties, they don’t join them. It’s just a made-up, fancy-sounding name to make it sound like they have popular support.

This guy—I hesitate to call him “man”—used to be your insurance agent! And now he’s not, but he has enough money to finance an expensive political campaign. He’s a wealthy man—now, how did that happen? I’ll tell you. Little Dicky Mains isn’t living high off the hog on the insurance company’s money, oh no! He’s living off of the premiums that poor people like you and me paid in! That man has run off with our premiums, and now he wants to run off with your city government! He says he retired, but you know that’s a lie—when he ran off with those premiums, they just plain old fired him. The good people of New Toulouse are too smart to be fooled by a shyster like that! Have you ever seen an Insurance Agent go out of business? Noooo! They can’t! Their profits are guaranteed by their magic actuarial tables! Their profit is assured! But that’s not enough for Mister Fancy Suit Dicky, is it? Nooo! He done scammed his employer and run off with your money! I challenge you to find the insurance company in town! They closed it! They bundled up your hard-earned premium money, and Mr. Fancy Suit is spending it on booze and probably even worse!

Mark my words, if that man becomes Mayor, he will scam your rent money and your taxes and all of my graft that comes in from outside sources, and he will put it in his carpetbag, and back to the big city he will go. In the middle of the night! Don’t vote for little Dicky, vote for me, Henri Godenot, the Mayor you can talk to!

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Henri Godenot is the mayor of New Toulouse.

Madam,

While I am delighted to see my fellow-citizens taking such an interest in politics, I have to question the suitability of certain of those who have put themselves forward as candidates. I find it even more shocking that they have some support in the community.

Mr Mondieu’s ability and capacity for hard work are surely in doubt, given the health problems he has suffered of late. I think we all know the cause of the problem, but this newspaper is hardly the place to indulge in speculation and idle gossip. I shall point out merely that Mr. Mondieu frequents the Green-Eyed Fairy to a point where I am considering charging him rent. As for Mr. Mains, he may well be “honest, upright and true” as an earlier correspondent claims, but does anyone know this gentleman? He seems to have arrived in town from who-knows-where, and there is little to be learned of his private life.

By contrast, Henri Godenot, the present incumbent, has a record that speaks for itself: improved roads and lighting, a ferry service, the beautification of the City Hall that has always been there, and other improvements.

Are we so quick to forget? Remembering the Mayor’s generosity, I urge you all to vote for Mayor Godenot and the Alliance Party.

Vote Godenot for the status quo!

Yours, etc.,
Francesca Alva