Archive for the ‘Advice’ Category

My Stars

by on Sunday, March 6th, 2016

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Aries (March 21–April 19)
How many roads must a man walk down? At least one more. Start walking.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you poison ivy, don’t make tea.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)
You are in complete control of your destiny. You should let someone else drive for a while, you’re not doing a very good job.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)
This is a time when emotion trumps reason. Stop thinking about it and jump in with both feet.

Leo (July 23–August 22)
If you have to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance!

Virgo (August 23–September 22)
Be more empathetic. In a confrontation, try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. And if you succeed, run away, because hey, more shoes!

Libra (September 23–October 22)
You will meet a tall, dark stranger. Unless you avoid almost everyone. You get to choose.

Scorpio (October 23–November 21)
Before lashing out in anger, count to ten. Then push off the back foot, rotate your hips, and punch with your whole body. Preferably at the solar plexus or the point of the chin. If that doesn’t work, execute your exit plan.

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)
Rest your mind, exercise your body. Or the other way around. One of these is sure to work.

Capricorn (December 22–January 19)
This is not your best month. Stay indoors, don’t touch metal, keep your hands in your pockets.

Aquarius (January 20–February 18)
When the moon is in the seventh house, and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planets, and love will steer the stars. Sounds beautiful, doesn’t it? But it’s not yours. Your horoscope belongs to Scorpio this month. That’s kind of selfish of Scorpio, taking two horoscopes while you have none.

Pisces (February 19–March 20)
There is a moment in your future like a bright shining light. A singular moment so bright, it hides everything else. Don’t go to the light! Run, run away. Because how will you ever top that?


Budro Boudreaux-Golly has done this before. At least twice.

My Stars

by on Friday, December 11th, 2015

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Aries (March 21–April 19)
You will meet a tall, dark stranger with a tweed suit, a diamond stickpin, and argyle socks. Run from him, run!

Taurus (April 20–May 20)
The midwife and family at your birth had a greater gravitational effect on you than Jupiter does. In your next rebirth, see if you can arrange for your aunt to stand just a little more to the left.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)
The time is right for that big leap you were planning. Try not to flub the landing this time.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)
Love is in the air, but the winds have blown it out past the Bayou. Better luck next time.

Leo (July 23–August 22)
It’s your day! You have worked hard and risen to the top! On this day you are the brightest, wittiest, warmest person in the room! Tomorrow you take your place at the bottom of the stack again.

Virgo (August 23–September 22)
Ignore what those little voices in your head are telling you. They don’t know anything. Get all of your life advice from a trusted source like the Tattler.

Libra (September 23–October 22)
This week will be difficult. No two ways about it. Spend as much time as you can in bed.

Scorpio (October 23–November 21)
Today is the big day. Avoid the Big House! Remember, if you don’t talk, you’ll probably walk. Deny everything.

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)
The number that applies to you is 9. No one knows why. Good luck with that, we hope.

Capricorn (December 22–January 19)
You’re a Capricorn, start acting like it.

Aquarius (January 20–February 18)
Everything about your love life will change today. Hopefully you’re not happy now.

Pisces (February 19–March 20)
Mercury is in your sock drawer. Communication, intellect and awareness are yours, at least until you reopen that drawer.


The Sun is on its seventy-fifth orbit around Budro Boudreaux-Golly.

Ask Miss Gala

by on Saturday, July 25th, 2015

AskMissGala
Galatea Monday resides corporeally in New Toulouse Bayou with her bulldog Al Capone, loads of books, and a few spirits. She also owns and operates the Haunted Jellyfish, New Toulouse’s premiere ghost gallery and studio.

Send your questions to Miss Gala by mailing tattler@newtoulouse.org or dropping a note into the mailbox at our headquarters.

Dear Miss Gala,

A girl of 15 is consulting you about something that seems very strange to her. We have boarders which are all good friends to us. The boys have learned me how to dance right here in my home. Now when I am a full-fledged dancer, I want to go out to private dances with my two big sisters, but my parents won’t let me.

Now, Miss Gala, don’t you think this is my parents’ mistake? When the boys were learning me, they never said anything, but now when I want to go to dances they won’t let me. They should have stopped me at first so I wouldn’t get the desire of going to dances. Don’t you think so? Now I love dancing and I can hardly keep away. So please send the answer as soon as you can. I will show it to them all whether you are on my side or not.

—Eager to Know

Dear Eager,

The great philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said that “we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once,” and who are we to argue?

Surely, if a great modernist like Fritz thinks dancing is crucial (and his life spanned the Victorian Age!), then how can it be denied?

All of the great thinkers have rhapsodized on the importance of dance! Even the great poet Baudelaire said that dance is “poetry with arms and legs.”

So just tell them that you do not wish to waste a day in which you are not creating poetry!

If that doesn’t work, just tell them you’re going to the library.

Bonne chance!
Miss Gala


Dear Miss Gala,

What is the correct way to wear perfume?

Signed,
Not a whore!

Dear Lady,

Scent not only can create heat, but it likes it too. So dab some on the warm spots of your wrists, behind your ears, between your breasts, and behind your knees.

And slap anyone who uses that nasty W-word.

Chaleureusement,

Miss Gala


Dear Miss Gala,

I am a young married woman. While I have the best of husbands and comforts that really make life worth while, I find it is a vary narrow existence. I am very fond of reading and I also find pleasure in writing; but still there seems a lingering vacancy. It has always been my hope to advance in this world, and being married seems to retard my progress. Why it should is more than I can understand. My husband is certainly not a detriment nor a drag in any way. I am not restricted, and the thought makes me very unhappy that possibly I am unappreciative. Whether the fault lies in my inability to grasp the situation is yet another question I ask myself over and over again. I am not a dreamer. I do not crave luxury in any form. The thing I would like most of all would come in the shape of advice or to have someone suggest the feature which is so sadly lacking. Surely there is some way of aiding a perfectly level head and an equally broad mind.

—Interested

Dear Interested,

This is a very common lament in our gender. The reason can be found in a metaphor that is unfortunately very common in Western painting: ladies with parrots. The parrot is an exotic and beautiful bird with many charms and gifts. She can be trained to speak in the way of her masters; she’s usually colorful and lovely to look at and play with, but she is a bird, and no matter how elaborate the cage and glimmering its gilded bars, that bird is still captive and unable to spread her wings and do what she does naturally and instinctively—fly.

There is no shame in longing to create a full and happy life for yourself. The shame is in the culture that demands that you are nothing more than a pretty parrot who should appreciate her bejeweled cage. It is clear that you do appreciate your home and your husband, and he sounds like a good, supportive man, as you describe him.

Many of our kind have explored these feelings, which led to ideas, which led to fulfillment and even adventure in some cases.

You said that you love to read and write. I will suggest Madame George Sand to you, then. Read her journals, and learn about her life. Also, the painter Rosa Bonheur. If you can travel, go to Paris and see her paintings. Explore the work of Mary Shelley and Jane Austen, George Elliot and the Sisters Brontë. Seek out the more obscure work of Artemisia Gentileschi and Maria Edgeworth. Read “The Yellow Wallpaper” by Charlotte Perkins Gilman, and by all means, indulge in the work of our own Kate Chopin.

I am confident that these sisters will help you find your way.

The most important thing you can do for yourself, in addition to all of that reading, is to seek out the counsel and friendship of other women and to be supportive of and true to one another. Not only is there comfort in true sorority, but there is also wisdom.

Ta soeur,
Galatea


Dear Miss Gala,

What is the best way to kill those dang zombies in Bayou? It’s getting so I can’t even garden without fear of being bitten!

Signed,
Zombie Hater

Dear Hater,

There are some sawed-off shotguns just for this purpose down at the Bayou train depot. Grab one, and make yourself a zombie shooting gallery. Just take care not to shoot your neighbors.

Chaleureusement,

Miss Gala

Ask Miss Gala

by on Tuesday, June 9th, 2015

AskMissGala
Galatea Monday resides corporeally in New Toulouse Bayou with her bulldog Al Capone, loads of books, and a few spirits. She also owns and operates the Haunted Jellyfish, New Toulouse’s premiere ghost gallery and studio.

Send your questions to Miss Gala by mailing tattler@newtoulouse.org or dropping a note into the mailbox at our headquarters.

Dear Miss Gala,

I enjoyed the Missing Marbles hunt very much, and I won all of the prizes. My favorite is the pig in mud. However, she talks! And that would be okay, but she’s trying to make friends with my neighbor, who scares me. What should I do?

Signed,
Marbles Hunter

Dear Marbles,

It’s been my experience that pigs are excellent judges of character. So why not join in and get to know your neighbor? Carry some zombie mace just to be safe.

Chaleureusement,
Miss Gala


Dear Miss Gala,

I’ve just begun a new career in a local office. I’ve never worked outside of my home before, so I am hoping you can give me a few tips to have a successful go as a new secretary and co-worker. I so desperately want to do a good job!

Thank you,
Excited in New Toulouse

Dear Excited,

Congratulations! As a secretary, you’ll be in a unique position to meet a lot of new people coming and going from whatever office it is you’re in. Some points to note will always come back to simple, considerate civility. For example, whenever a superior walks up to your desk, be sure to stand. This little gesture will be noted and no doubt appreciated. Whenever someone is on the phone, cease typing. If you can hear them, they can hear you. Never take a seat unless expressly offered, and finally, refrain from gossip and politics. It’s a good habit to never say anything about someone that you would not say in their presence. As far as politics, they can often get in the way of governance, so always consider what is best for the firm, not for the political climate, when making a decision.

You may want to bring some tasty baked goods on your first day, as a warm hello to everyone.

Bonne chance!
Miss Gala


Dear Miss Gala,

What do you feed a pig?

Vexed,
A friendly neighbor

Dear Friendly,

Pretty much anything she’ll eat!

Chaleureusement,
Miss Gala


Dear Miss Gala,

How on earth do I get rid of those salt cellars??

Signed,
Panicked on the Bayou

Dear Panicked,

The way to tone up the back of your upper arms is to get yourself down to Miss Liza’s reading cafe, buy a couple of books, and then make sure you’re holding one in each hand as you lift them over your head, bend your elbows back at a 90-degree angle, and back up again. Do this until the muscle gets fatigued each day, and while you rest the muscle, why not read a bit from your new books and work a different muscle?

Chaleureusement,
Miss Gala

My Stars

by on Thursday, April 16th, 2015

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Do these dates look strange? The heavens have shifted quite a bit in the last 2,500 years due to precession, the top-like wobble of the Earth. These dates correspond to modern life, the dates where our sun is in the listed constellation. But what’s a little precision between friends? So if you don’t like your fortune, try the one next to it. Except for you Ophiuchans. Because you guys are on your own.

Aries (April 18–May 13)
Today’s the day! Consider a nice funeral plot.

Taurus (May 13–June 21)
You will meet a tall, dark stranger. Run, run like the wind.

Gemini (June 21–July 20)
Today is your Opposite Day. Ponder all decisions carefully, then do the exact opposite of what your gut tells you to do. If you meet your opposite, run, run like the wind.

Cancer (July 20–August 10)
Astrology is based on the belief that everyone born in the same month will be plagued with the same horrible fate. Keep that in mind if you share the birthday of a martyred saint.

Leo (August 10–September 16)
Gambling today would be a bad idea. So don’t gamble on Wall Street. Don’t even gamble on crossing the street.

Virgo (September 16–October 30)
For some reason you have the exact same horoscope as Aquarius. Maybe your birthday is wrong, or maybe you shouldn’t have been in such a hurry.

Libra (October 30–November 23)
Count your blessings, not your losses. You can try to count your losses, but you’ll probably have to do it from memory.

Scorpio (November 23–November 29)
Don’t even think about it.

Ophiuchus (November 29–December 17)
Wear your fastest shoes today. And something fireproof. You might even want to carry a small, slow, disposable dog.

Sagittarius (December 17–January 20)
You’ll want to stay in bed all day. This obviously has logistical difficulties. Plan ahead.

Capricorn (January 20–February 16)
It’s your day! Report to the reeducation center before 6:00 AM.

Aquarius (February 16–March 11)
Today is a mother. A very fertile one. Today will have literally thousands of offspring. I hope you like today, because those offspring will be just like their mom.

Pisces (March 11–April 18)
If you have access to a time machine, you’ll want to skip Friday completely. See you on Saturday! And it you don’t have a time machine, it’s been fun.


The Sun is on its seventy-fifth orbit around Budro Boudreaux-Golly.

Ask Miss Gala

by on Friday, February 20th, 2015

AskMissGala
Galatea Monday resides corporeally in New Toulouse with her bulldog Al Capone, loads of books, and a few spirits. She also owns and operates the Haunted Jellyfish, New Toulouse’s premiere ghost gallery and studio.

Send your questions to Miss Gala by mailing tattler@newtoulouse.org or dropping a note into the mailbox at our headquarters.

Dear Miss Gala,

What should I feed my baby gator?

Signed,
Nervous in New Toulouse

Dear Nervous,

Lady fingers.

Chaleureusement,
Miss Gala


Dear Miss Gala,

I am a young man and in business. I think a good deal of a girl who comes into the store, and believe she does the same of me. My acquaintance with her has been only a business way. Realizing the position I am in, would it be impolite for me to ask her to go out with me some time?

—Timid

Dear Timid,

You haven’t mentioned what your business is. If you are her gynecologist, then, yes, that may be a bit of a prickly situation. However, if the nature of your business is one in which you are on neutral footing, then there is certainly nothing impolite in asking the young woman out for dinner. However, if you are exceedingly shy, then start with coffee, perhaps late in the day, and you can see if that leads naturally to dinner. Or you can consult our New Toulouse Guide for other great ideas to complement any type of date you choose.

Bonne chance!

Miss Gala


Dear Miss Gala,

My wife is the chattiest gal I know. How can I keep her quiet without hurting her feelings?

Signed,
Livid in the Library

Dear Livid,

Try a kiss.

Chaleureusement,
Miss Gala


Dear Miss Gala,

I am a young man of 24 and in love with a married woman. I have known her several years and love her with all my heart, and would do anything for her. She is never out of my mind wherever I go. Is it right for me to love her so?

—J. L.

Dear J. L.,

D. H. Lawrence said, “Love is the flower of life, and blossoms unexpectedly and without law, and must be plucked where it is found, and enjoyed for the brief hour of its duration.” He also warned that life is for living, not saving. So …

If we are to accept the wisdom of one of our greatest writers of love and erotica, I would say that yes, it is. One cannot help whom one loves.

The real question is, should you pursue it? And only you and she can answer that. Do take care to remember that there are other hearts involved, and that there are both rewards and consequences for our choices.

Bien des choses à tous,
Miss Gala


Dear Miss Gala,

How do I get bloodstains out of my man’s sofa?

Your friend,
D

Dear D,

Depending on whose bloodstains they are and how good a storyteller you are, you may not need to worry, but you should know that the saliva of the person whose blood it is should do the trick. If not, check out Miss Yelly’s selection of new furniture at Noctis, and call it a late Valentine’s gift!

Chaleureusement,
Miss Gala


Ask Miss Gala

by on Sunday, December 7th, 2014

AskMissGala
Galatea Monday resides corporeally in New Toulouse with her bulldog Al Capone, loads of books, and a few spirits. She also owns and operates the Haunted Jellyfish, New Toulouse’s premiere ghost gallery and studio.

Send your questions to Miss Gala by mailing tattler@newtoulouse.org or dropping a note into the mailbox at our headquarters.

Dear Miss Gala,

I am undecided as to what I should give my sweetheart as a gift for Christmas. We are engaged, so I think it would be appropriate to give him a nice gift. Will you please suggest several?

Sincerely,
Coquette

Dear Coquette,

Congratulations to you both! My different fiancés over the years have appreciated many different thoughtful gifts, depending on their varied interests, of course. Some men prefer gifts that disappear, so to speak, such as a good hand and foot massage on demand, or a gloriously prepared dinner from soup to nuts with all of his favorite foods and a spicy dessert. One of my formerly affianced was very pleased with a golden cigarette case I gave him, while another was thrilled by a new puppy (and of course, the town has many cats and kittens in need of a good home). One of my beloveds was over the moon about a first-edition Jules Verne, while another was smitten when I took him to one of the great eateries in town. Books, baubles, walking sticks (silver-tipped especially), and gloves all make lovely gifts, but sometimes just wandering through the stores will give you the greatest inspiration. One of my favorite shops in town, especially for the discerning recipient, is Look What the Cat Dragged In. The illustrious shopkeeper is constantly rotating inventory and has wonderful gifts for any budget and personality. But certainly, a leisurely stroll through New Toulouse will introduce you to the many shops we have here, and you are sure to find everything from good art to warm mufflers, great restaurants, and all sorts of recreational activities. The New Toulouse Guide may be helpful in a pinch and can be found on page 6. If all fails, and depending on your level of intimacy, of course, wrapping yourself up in satin ribbons may be just the thing!

Cheers!
Miss Gala


Dear Miss Gala,

Taking notice of your work in the paper, I wish to satisfy a notion by asking you if you believe in fortune telling, palmistry and phrenology. If you think it is worthwhile to spend a little time and money in this way, please give me names and addresses of those you know to be reliable and on the square.

Signed,
Curious

Dear Curious,

Just that you asked me this question proves the serendipity in the universe! I do very much believe in such things, and here in New Toulouse, I am certainly not alone. I personally run a humble ghost studio and Spiritualist shop in town, and you can come in to give us a try. Our prices are set to be affordable to the most casual connoisseur of the incorporeal. But I would be remiss if I also didn’t tell you about House of the Spirits and so many more. A winter night’s walk in the St. Louis Cemetery may make you a believer too. The Guide above may help you find your medium, and my best advice to you is to visit all of these wonderful places and see where you feel most comfortable before engaging the services of our fine Spiritualist community.

In the mists,
Miss Gala


Dear Miss Gala,

Will you please name some new amusement for an evening social affair? No dancing or card playing. I have been to the library, but could find nothing. Thanking you.

Sincerely,
Grace

Dear Grace,

We have so many fine dining establishments here in New Toulouse, as you must know, but for an unusually engaging evening with no dancing or card playing, I’d recommend a visit to the Ghost of Liza Veliz. It is a delightfully intimate, charmingly appointed poetry gallery. The lush space is filled with interesting texts and comfortable seating sure to charm the most discriminating patron. There are also wonderful visual art galleries to explore, such as la Maison de la Femme Impatient, the Azucar Gallery, and the Indea Vaher Studio. If you’d rather indulge the senses in a different way, why not take a ferry ride? It’s a fun way to see the sights here in our beloved burg! Just pop over to the West Bayou Dock, and you’ll find the intra-bayou ferry running regularly.

Enjoy!
Miss Gala

Ask Miss Gala

by on Sunday, November 9th, 2014

AskMissGala
Galatea Monday resides corporeally in New Toulouse with her bulldog Al Capone, loads of books, and a few spirits. She also owns and operates the Haunted Jellyfish, New Toulouse’s premiere ghost gallery and studio.

Send your questions to Miss Gala by mailing tattler@newtoulouse.org or dropping a note into the mailbox at our headquarters.

Dear Miss Gala,

Lately, I get the feeling I’m being watched. It’s not just me. My cat also gets that feeling, and the hair on the back of her … back stands up on end, and she runs off into the closet and stays there for hours at a time. This is a problem, because she gets her hair all over my Sunday best. I don’t mind the ghost so much as the cat hair. Any suggestions?

Signed,
Wild and Woolly

Dear Woolly,

I am beginning to think that our beloved New Toulouse needs a full-time posse of ectoplasm ejecters! (Though then my thriving ghost photo studio wouldn’t do so well!) I’ll assume you haven’t got a closet door to keep your cat away from your clothes, so why not give the little one a nice big box to hide in, right in front of your closet? You can also try some tape rolled around your own paws to rub the cat hair off your clothes.

Chaleureusement,
Miss Gala


Dear Miss Gala,

I finally worked up the courage to ask my dream girl out on a date. Where should we go?

Sincerely,
Clueless

Dear Clueless,

Congratulations! Luckily, you’re in New Toulouse, so there are many things you can do—many even for free. Why not take your girl on the Haunted New Toulouse ghost tour? It’s a lot of no-cost fun, and you’ll get to find some great places for future dates that way too. Plus, you can load your gal up with prizes. If she’s the skittish type (what is she doing in New Toulouse?), why not take her to Cinema Mise-en-Scene for some Laurel & Hardy or the Bijou Impromptu for a great Buster Keaton movie? They’re both short films, so you may want to go on for a bite to eat at one of several fine eating establishments in the city and round things off with a gallery stroll to show how cultured you are.

Have fun!
Miss Gala


Dear Miss Gala,

What does a tiger eat?

Signed,
Panicked

Dear Panicked,

You, if you don’t get that cat some beef!

Chaleureusement,
Miss Gala


Dear Miss Gala,

I intend to stop procrastinating, but I keep putting it off until later. What is the best way to knuckle down and get stuff done?

Sincerely,
Reckless

Dear Reckless,

Give your mother your day planner, and ask for gentle reminders.

Chaleureusement,
Miss Gala

Ask Miss Gala

by on Wednesday, August 20th, 2014

AskMissGala
Galatea Monday resides corporeally in New Toulouse with her bulldog Al Capone, loads of books, and a few spirits. She also owns and operates the Haunted Jellyfish, New Toulouse’s premiere ghost gallery and studio.

Send your questions to Miss Gala by mailing tattler@newtoulouse.org or dropping a note into the mailbox at our headquarters.

Dear Miss Gala,

I got one of those fancy horses recently, and she stepped on a nail. I removed it and kept her hoof clean, but she’s still limping. What can I do?

Signed,
Charlie Horse

Cher Horse,

This is an old remedy my grandmother taught me, and it works on hoof and foot alike. Get some fresh peach leaves, bruise them, apply to the affected area, and hold in place with soft bandages, such as gently wrapped gauze. Refresh this dressing twice a day, if needed, but I think you’ll find the pain should clear up very quickly.

Chaleureusement,
Miss Gala


Dear Miss Gala,

My sweetheart and I have been together for nearing seven years now, and I figure it’s time to get hitched. I popped the question, and she said no. The way I see it, we’re at a tie here and need a tie-breaker. What do you advise?

Signed,
Half-Hearted

Cher Half,
If your sweetheart said no, don’t flatter yourself by thinking it’s a tie-breaker you need, when it may be a new sweetheart you need. Bon courage!

Chaleureusement,
Miss Gala


Dear Miss Gala,

I’ve just moved into a new home in the city, and I think my neighbor is a human. What should I do?

Signed,
Vlad

Cher Vlad,
Invite her over for dinner, and enjoy.

Chaleureusement,
Miss Gala


Dear Miss Gala,

How to get along with your neighbour when their zombies takes over your garden?

Signed,
Concerned Citizen

Dear CC,

Get a bat and a shovel.

Peace and Love,
Miss Gala

MOLLUSC EDITION

by on Thursday, August 7th, 2014

FROM THE EDITOR’S DESK

The Tattler printing press is beset with a post-flood infestation of large snails, and the print room staff are busy round the clock refilling dishes with beer. The snails seem to have an unusually high tolerance for alcohol, and we may need to resort to spirits—send supplies if you can!

Artist's rendition

Artist’s rendition

This special broadsheet edition of the Tattler was made possible by Mr. Lawrence James of James Ads & Signs, who very kindly donated the use of his own press.


CLASSIFIEDS

FOR SALE—20 art canvases with muddled and vague images on them. First and final sale, from the just opened, and now closed, “Plein Air Watercolor Gallery of New Toulouse.” Author offers this wisdom, hard earned: read the weather report *before* starting a new venture. Signed, Washed Out.

LOST—Beloved pet crawfish, answers to “Jimbo,” very affectionate. Contact Gigi Lapin c/o Tattler.

LOST—Grandpa Moonbeam, in an oak casket with brass handles, last seen headed NE. Buy him a drink and send him home if found.


LETTERS

Dear Sir,

Now that you’ve cleaned up the flood, I’m wondering when the blight will be cleared. 

a) tree branches around town
b) roof off the travel agency – not that I have ever liked the travel agency much. Too many weeds!!
c) fatheads and grass shrimp still squirming around in the cemetery
d) general mildew smell

Please provide an update on these items as soon as possible.

Miss Penny
A Visitor

Photo credit: Henri Godenot

Photo credit: Henri Godenot


Dear Sirs,

Please provide our criteria of what fits into the “weed” family. 

Also, please provide a ledger sheet with New Toulouse’s tourist revenue and GNP (I know we’re not a nation, but whatever the equivalent would be). I need to know these things right away.

And I am in the market for a cheap backhoe.

Thanks,

RMarie Beedit
A Denizen


ASK MISS GALA

By Galatea Monday

The storm washed up all sorts of unexpected visitors in New Toulouse, but one of the most mouthwatering and terrifying was certainly the kraken! So for those of you who were lucky enough to cut a piece of this monster for your own, here are some recipes for your dining pleasure.

GARLIC & MAYO CALAMARI
10 oz. peanut oil (or other oil with a high smoke point!)
1 lb. squid (tubes and tentacles)
2 tablespoons corn flour
4 tablespoons semolina
2 teaspoons Old Bay seasoning (or use 1 teaspoon salt & 1 teaspoon paprika)

For the garlic mayonnaise:
1/2 clove garlic (or more, if you love it; less, if you’re a vampire!)
3/4 cup mayonnaise

Heat the oil in a small saucepan, and cut the squid into half-inch rings. Put the cornflour, semolina, and seasoning into a plastic freezer bag. Add the squid rings and tentacles and toss to coat. When the oil is hot enough, fry the squid in small batches to get the best crunch. Fry until golden (fairly quick). Grate or crush the garlic into the mayonnaise, stir to mix, and then serve with the fried squid.

Image-that-is-certainly-not-a-photograph by Galatea Monday

Image-that-is-certainly-not-a-photograph by Galatea Monday


S&P CALAMARI
About 2 cups peanut oil (or other oil with a high smoke point), or enough to come about 1/2-inch up in a frying pan
2 tablespoons sea salt
2 tablespoons black peppercorns
1/3 cup corn flour
1 lb. baby squid (cut into rings, tentacles left unchopped)
Lemons (for to squeeze)

Put the oil in a frying pan over a high heat. Bruise the salt and peppercorns in a mortar and pestle, and combine this mixture in a freezer bag with the cornflour, adding the squid and tossing to coat well but not heavily. When the oil’s very hot, fry the squid in small batches, and cook each batch briefly until just crisp on the outside and still sweet and tender inside. Remove to plates lined with paper towels. After several seconds, remove the greasy towel, squeeze lemons over them, and eat them fast!