New Toulouse

The Volstead Act went into effect on January 17, but temperance advocates complain that local enforcement of the alcoholic beverage ban has been “lackadaisical.” Meanwhile, local Carnival festivities are at an all-time low, but an anti-Prohibition parade will take place this weekend. So what does Prohibition mean for New Toulouse?

When we tracked him down at the Green-Eyed Fairy (a local tavern), police spokesman Brendan Bacon explained that local enforcement efforts were on hold because Mayor Henri Godenot is treating the responsible federal agents to a fishing trip. According to Patrolman Bacon, compliance with the law during Carnival “won’t matter much anyway” since “the feds are all tied up” (presumably figuratively). They are expected to be released on Ash Wednesday.

Francesca Alva, the owner of the Green-Eyed Fairy, seemed unfazed by the new law. “As far as I can see, Prohibition is a Yankee notion brought in to encourage people to drink more. Here in New Toulouse, we don’t have that problem. Furthermore, we do all our business with independent local suppliers. I don’t foresee any problems as long as the mayor keeps on greasing the palms of … I mean, liaising with the federal authorities.”

Mrs. Jedidiah Slump, speaking for the Ladies’ Temperance Association, argued that families continue to be “ravaged by the demon drink.” She called upon city officials to expedite local enforcement efforts and called upon Jed to get home straight after work or he could get his own damn supper.

A City Hall official, speaking anonymously because he was not authorized to give comment, explained that since New Toulouse has “a largely booze-based economy, we’re going easy on businesses” during this time of transition. He expects that Bayou will be largely exempt from scrutiny unless the feds hire some swamp-canny Cajuns.

This Saturday, February 15, at 12:00 noon SLT, Krewe Bayou kicks off another raucous walking parade downtown, the theme of which is “To Hell With Prohibition.” February 15 is also National Hippo Day, so it’s reasonable to expect some “lake cow” presence. The parade begins at the French Market.

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Jack Mondieu nominates Boudreaux and Thibodeaux to root out those Bayou moonshine stills.

Dear Tattler—

Please clarify that while “several who have gone gunning for these birds have been arrested,” no New Toulouse hunter has yet been arrested, fined, or even detained for hunting the local gros-bec out of season. Your warning is appreciated, it is possible that these penalties might apply outside of our fair district.

Please also tell your readers that the mayor is offering a reward for the report any sightings of any member of the “Conservation Commission of Louisiana.”

Individuals who are night hunting or spot lighting are requested to avoid shooting the Pic à bec d’ivoire, or Ivory-Billed Woodpecker, these birds are no longer plentiful, do not taste good, and Madame Ulysse has been earning a good income showing these birds to the professors from the north.

—The Mayor

Dear Madam,

I am sure other readers of this estimable publication were as shocked as I to learn of the untimely demise of Mayor-Elect Mr. R. E. Mains. However, let us not dwell on melancholy subjects, but reflect for a moment on what it means for our fair City. However genuine he may have been, Mr. Mains was not a native of New Toulouse. He could not possibly hope to understand what makes us “tick,” as it were. High ideals and fine ideas are all very well and good, but Taloosters live in the real world. I am afraid Mr. Mains and his “policies” were simply too rarefied for us down-to-earth and simple folk. By contrast Mayor Godenot is one of us. He is a Talooster to his fingertips. Let us not rejoice at the loss of a life, but remain conscious that Fate has thrown us a much-needed lifeline. It is time to look to the future; I look forward to Mayor Godenot’s continuing patronage of my humble establishment.

I should also like to mention, without starting any wild rumors or speculation of the kind I abhor, that the Mains family tomb appears to have been paid for by a lady whose reputation in New Toulouse is hardly of the highest. It is to be hoped that she does not lose the mausoleum in a poker game, as the new owners might well evict the sitting tenants, and we have zombies enough without adding to their number.

I remain, yours faithfully

Francesca Alva

New Toulouse chose Richard Mains as the new mayor in Saturday’s election, but he will never occupy that office.

When Mrs. Ethel Varnish, proprietress of 26 Basin Street, entered the top floor of that establishment to change the linens, she found Mr. Richard E. Mains dead in his chair. The face bore a ghastly expression of fright.

Mr. Mains had been dead for several hours when the body was discovered Sunday morning, according to Dr. X. Y. Zedaker, who was called on the case. The death was probably due to apoplexy.

The office of mayor goes to the candidate with the next-highest number of votes: Mr. Henri Godenot, the incumbent.

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Jack Mondieu is ready to return to a quiet life of journalism but is still committed to destroying the sun in his spare time.

In a stunning upset in yesterday’s election, challenger Richard E. Mains has defeated the incumbent mayor, Henri Godenot.

“I thought I had it locked up,” said Godenot. “In fact, every person I talked to told me that he had voted for me!”

It was a campaign like none New Toulouse had ever seen. Mayor Godenot, a stalwart of the Regular Alliance Organization, received 9 votes in yesterday’s election; the victor, Mains, ran on the new Citizens’ Party ticket and took 11 votes. Jack Mondieu, representing the Destroy the Sun Party, had a very respectable showing, with 5 votes, or 20 percent of the total. Voter turnout was 113 percent.

Mr. Mains was jubilant at his victory party. Between toasts of “We did it!” and “Champagne for everyone!” he explained his campaign and his plans for the city. “We had a simple message—that elected officials in this city were corrupt and needed to be replaced. Without those rascals skimming from the city coffers, we can afford improved education for our children, better drainage, and a cheaper, fairer tax base.”

In his concession speech, Mr. Godenot said, “It is with a heavy heart that I am here to concede the mayoral election to my opponent, Richard Mains. Mains ran a good, clean campaign, and he will make you a fine mayor. Please give him the support that you didn’t give me. Thank you, those of you who voted for me, and rest well, those of you who didn’t. With the election over, I plan to spend some time away, but I’ll be back to look over my business concerns. Keep a watchful eye on the bayou, and stay safe and dry this hurricane season.”

Today I found Mr. Godenot in his old office in City Hall, making notes on a large yellow pad from a huge stack of files. He looked haggard and tired. “It’s my own fault,” he admitted. “I spent a lot of money for votes, and that was probably making my opponent’s claims ring true. I would have been better off if I had bought Mondieu’s endorsement and given women the vote. I’m very popular with the fairer sex in New Toulouse—it’s their husbands who don’t like me. Beedit and Francesca wrote very nice testimonials for me, and if they’d been able to vote for me, I would have tied him. And if I had bought Mondieu’s endorsement and gotten his votes, I would have beaten Mains outright.”

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Gigi Lapin lives in New Toulouse Bayou with her pet crawfish, Jimbo.

In the caption of yesterday’s “Sightings,” the word “protest” was accidentally used in place of “hullabaloo.” We regret the error.

Dear friends and neighbors, please consider the choices available to you in the upcoming election. On the one hand, the old forces of corruption and patronage, on the other, wise, just, and honest government.

We cannot tell you the number of times we have sought to do business in your fair environs, only to be rebuffed by your corrupt Mayor. He promises a drilling permit, then withholds a surface lease. He offers us a pipeline right-of-way, then sends armed men to threaten our surveyors. We have paid triple the going rate for land, twice!

This man, Godenot, does not have your best interests at heart. Had he signed with us, your city could be enjoying the wealth and prosperity that the towns of Beaumont and Houston now enjoy. The industry and prosperity brought by the liquid gold beneath feet could be yours if not for the terrible corruption and bribes this man creates and demands.

Drive Godenot from office, and from your town, and you too can enjoy the prosperity and wealth that we have brought to every community in our wake.

W. Scott Heywood, Jennings Oil Company

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This is a paid political endorsement from the president of the Jennings Oil Company.

I cannot tell you how disappointed I am in the campaign of little Dickey Mains. He knows that he cannot beat me in a fair race, so he is funding the false campaign of the improbable DESTROY THE SUN Party to pull votes away from me. Don’t help them. Jack Mondieu is a nice guy, but he’s a journalist, and we know that his newspaper doesn’t pay him well. Don’t donate to the DESTROY THE SUN Party, the money goes to little Dickey Mains. If you want to help Jack, give him money directly, but give your vote to me.

Now about my real opponent, little Dickey Mains. His former company hurried up and reopened their office here to save face—if they didn’t do that, the State would have pulled their Insurance Certificate and forbade them from doing business anywhere in the State. So it looks less embarrassing for them that way. But did you notice they didn’t endorse him? Ha! He stole their money and caused them all of that embarrassment! They wouldn’t endorse him because of all of the money he cost them, but they have to play nice or people will cancel their policies!

I also want to express my sympathy to the family of Mrs. Luella Mains, née Henican. This poor woman did perish last year under mysterious circumstances, and her evil husband is using her insurance money to run for Mayor of New Toulouse. He’s not mayor material, he has no mayoral experience, no family background, and only moved to New Toulouse two years ago to open a fraudulent insurance agency and defraud everyone he’s ever met! Don’t vote for this man who thinks he can just buy the election. Vote for me, Henri Godenot.

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This political advertisement was paid for by the Committee to Re-Elect A Mayor (CREAM).

I want to let you know what kind of man my opponent is. Richard E. Mains, the slippery candidate of the entirely fictitious Citizens’ Party is going to run against me for Mayor. Haha, the CITIZENS’ PARTY! We know all of the Citizens in New Toulouse, and they go to parties, they don’t join them. It’s just a made-up, fancy-sounding name to make it sound like they have popular support.

This guy—I hesitate to call him “man”—used to be your insurance agent! And now he’s not, but he has enough money to finance an expensive political campaign. He’s a wealthy man—now, how did that happen? I’ll tell you. Little Dicky Mains isn’t living high off the hog on the insurance company’s money, oh no! He’s living off of the premiums that poor people like you and me paid in! That man has run off with our premiums, and now he wants to run off with your city government! He says he retired, but you know that’s a lie—when he ran off with those premiums, they just plain old fired him. The good people of New Toulouse are too smart to be fooled by a shyster like that! Have you ever seen an Insurance Agent go out of business? Noooo! They can’t! Their profits are guaranteed by their magic actuarial tables! Their profit is assured! But that’s not enough for Mister Fancy Suit Dicky, is it? Nooo! He done scammed his employer and run off with your money! I challenge you to find the insurance company in town! They closed it! They bundled up your hard-earned premium money, and Mr. Fancy Suit is spending it on booze and probably even worse!

Mark my words, if that man becomes Mayor, he will scam your rent money and your taxes and all of my graft that comes in from outside sources, and he will put it in his carpetbag, and back to the big city he will go. In the middle of the night! Don’t vote for little Dicky, vote for me, Henri Godenot, the Mayor you can talk to!

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Henri Godenot is the mayor of New Toulouse.

Madam,

While I am delighted to see my fellow-citizens taking such an interest in politics, I have to question the suitability of certain of those who have put themselves forward as candidates. I find it even more shocking that they have some support in the community.

Mr Mondieu’s ability and capacity for hard work are surely in doubt, given the health problems he has suffered of late. I think we all know the cause of the problem, but this newspaper is hardly the place to indulge in speculation and idle gossip. I shall point out merely that Mr. Mondieu frequents the Green-Eyed Fairy to a point where I am considering charging him rent. As for Mr. Mains, he may well be “honest, upright and true” as an earlier correspondent claims, but does anyone know this gentleman? He seems to have arrived in town from who-knows-where, and there is little to be learned of his private life.

By contrast, Henri Godenot, the present incumbent, has a record that speaks for itself: improved roads and lighting, a ferry service, the beautification of the City Hall that has always been there, and other improvements.

Are we so quick to forget? Remembering the Mayor’s generosity, I urge you all to vote for Mayor Godenot and the Alliance Party.

Vote Godenot for the status quo!

Yours, etc.,
Francesca Alva

Madame Editor,

This letter is to formally endorse Henri Godenot for Mayor.

I’m nobody in particular. But when I heard he was running, more than a few thoughts came to mind: one, that he should be recognized for his business acumen as soon as possible, and two, that the quality of his honesty and integrity should be mentioned.

Having wandered into the city several years ago, this writer chanced upon Monsieur Godenot, who enthusiastically pounced upon that encounter with offers of grand tours and a residential safari, which he made good on that very day. We sailed by air over the river to New Toulouse Algiers, where there was prime real estate to be had. Within four or five hours, a transaction occurred from my wallet to that of a Mr. T. Avro—brokered by H. Godenot—for many thousands of lindens. The land was sound but swampy.

Over the years we have seen H. G. do his part for the community in ways we all appreciate and recall. His becoming mayor was to the benefit of all, certainly. Of course, he’s always been most effective in serving various causes—not many may recall his impersonation of a priest for special occasions and charity events. I’m attaching a photo of just such a time, out in the swamp when he pulled some especially fine effects while offering priestly advice to bayou dowagers and fireflies. Father Godenot’s stump speeches on many a subject are things of legend—perhaps he could truck out this special talent to win the primaries.

Whenever the Mayoral elections actually are, we wish everyone the best in making their decision, for the sake of the community and other things.

Miss R. Beedit