New Toulouse

In a stunning upset in yesterday’s election, challenger Richard E. Mains has defeated the incumbent mayor, Henri Godenot.

“I thought I had it locked up,” said Godenot. “In fact, every person I talked to told me that he had voted for me!”

It was a campaign like none New Toulouse had ever seen. Mayor Godenot, a stalwart of the Regular Alliance Organization, received 9 votes in yesterday’s election; the victor, Mains, ran on the new Citizens’ Party ticket and took 11 votes. Jack Mondieu, representing the Destroy the Sun Party, had a very respectable showing, with 5 votes, or 20 percent of the total. Voter turnout was 113 percent.

Mr. Mains was jubilant at his victory party. Between toasts of “We did it!” and “Champagne for everyone!” he explained his campaign and his plans for the city. “We had a simple message—that elected officials in this city were corrupt and needed to be replaced. Without those rascals skimming from the city coffers, we can afford improved education for our children, better drainage, and a cheaper, fairer tax base.”

In his concession speech, Mr. Godenot said, “It is with a heavy heart that I am here to concede the mayoral election to my opponent, Richard Mains. Mains ran a good, clean campaign, and he will make you a fine mayor. Please give him the support that you didn’t give me. Thank you, those of you who voted for me, and rest well, those of you who didn’t. With the election over, I plan to spend some time away, but I’ll be back to look over my business concerns. Keep a watchful eye on the bayou, and stay safe and dry this hurricane season.”

Today I found Mr. Godenot in his old office in City Hall, making notes on a large yellow pad from a huge stack of files. He looked haggard and tired. “It’s my own fault,” he admitted. “I spent a lot of money for votes, and that was probably making my opponent’s claims ring true. I would have been better off if I had bought Mondieu’s endorsement and given women the vote. I’m very popular with the fairer sex in New Toulouse—it’s their husbands who don’t like me. Beedit and Francesca wrote very nice testimonials for me, and if they’d been able to vote for me, I would have tied him. And if I had bought Mondieu’s endorsement and gotten his votes, I would have beaten Mains outright.”

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Gigi Lapin lives in New Toulouse Bayou with her pet crawfish, Jimbo.

In the caption of yesterday’s “Sightings,” the word “protest” was accidentally used in place of “hullabaloo.” We regret the error.

Gentlemen—

Please vote for Richard E. Mains and save our community from itself. Our city needs schools for our children, our Bayou needs drainage and clean water. Our taxes are wasted on defending ourselves from morality itself while the real monster of ignorance stalks our populace. Look at our poor community, with the tenement cribs of Gloryville and the shacks on Shotgun Row. If our taxes were not annually wasted on that debacle we call Carnival, we could have a fine education system and proper flood control.

For too long have we labored under the heavy chains of the past and the antiquated system of political patronage. Our community needs clean, honest, and fair government. Government without the colorful candidates, without the lavish festivals and gifts; government that is clean, pure, and uncomplicated.

The Tentacles of the Regular Alliance have wrapped themselves around our lives and our homes for far too long. Strike a blow for freedom and change, and vote for Richard E. Mains, the candidate of the Citizens’ Party!

Girard Quebedeaux, Judge (retired)

Friends and Neighbors of New Toulouse—

Thank you for the support you have given me in my previous elections and in my office. I genuinely appreciate this support, and I look forward to enjoying this support in the future.

New Toulouse is a wonderful place. You make New Toulouse a wonderful place, and I want to continue being your Senator Mayor, to keep making New Toulouse a wonderful place.

I have a serious opponent this election cycle, and I’m not talking about our friend Jack Mondieu. Our fair city is under attack by the forces of evil in the Citizens’ League, and they want to change everything we know and love about our city.

You know these people—they’re dry, humorless, and stuck up! They probably have something wrong with their digestion, I don’t know. They just waltz on into our city, spouting unrealistic platitudes about “honest government” and “conscience.” Hell, that idiot wouldn’t know Conscience if she left her Gloryville crib and bit him on the buttock!
You know where to find sympathetic government in New Toulouse. It’s in City Hall, and as long as I’m in office, it always will be. Remember after the hurricane when those poor widows lost their homes? Who suspended their rent payments until they could rebuild? You did! Well, I did, but I used your money.

Do you remember when poor little Soto had to run around all dressed up, like a butterfly in a cage? Who figured out how to get her a nudity permit so she could be free and we could enjoy her beautiful assets? Well, I did that one, without any help!

Who dug the old Rooster out of the swamp and restored him to his cocky place of glory in the Square? Well, Niki and Fran, actually, but they work for me, so I’m taking credit. Hell, the other guy would probably rather have a stiff-necked old man on that pedestal.

And as for Mr. Teufelsdröckh’s letter:

Who decided not to sterilize the Bayou of Zombies? That was me. It’s not their fault that people decided to build homes over that old graveyard. And they didn’t choose to be Zombies, they just ended up that way. We need to let them shamble, because they are our ancestors!

Who keeps municipal assistance out of the Bayou? Me again. I keep the revenuers out of there too, along with the other agents who want to shut down drinking and gambling and bootlegging, too. We’re talking jobs for our friends and neighbors here, this is important stuff.

Our city is not dry and colorless. We are living, eating, drinking, breathing, sinning friends and neighbors here, and we know how to live without the help of any desiccated old prunes telling us how to run our city.

I would like your vote this election day. Send me back to City Hall, and I’ll keep New Toulouse the fun place that you and your neighbors love.

—Henri Godenot

Dear Sirs—

The time has come for a new day in New Toulouse, a day without shame, or ignominy, or fear. For as long as anyone can remember, a member of the Regular Alliance Organization has held power in our fair city, and the corruption and graft have only increased, year after year.

We need more efficient and honest administration of public affairs. We need fair and honest expenditure of our taxes, a better public school system, and clean and dry streets. We need a larger, more honest police force. Most of all, we need to eliminate from the city payrolls the political loafers who draw salaries for which they do not work, thus depriving honest men of the opportunity to earn an honest living.

Our candidate for mayor is Richard Mains, a friend and neighbor, well known in our town. Richard is honest, upright, and true, and he will serve us well as our new mayor.

This election day can be a new day for New Toulouse, a day with a brighter future! Vote for Richard Mains!

Agricola Fusilier,
on behalf of the
New Toulouse Citizens’ League
26 Basin Street

Citizens of New Toulouse,

The Regular Alliance Organization has hesitated at no act, however detrimental to the public welfare, to strengthen its hold and perpetuate its existence. Should it be able to maintain its grasp, it will plunge the city into greater disorder and disgrace, hopelessly undermine the foundations of public prosperity, and finally destroy the liberties of the people.

The impending mayoral election represents a glint of hope, as many of us have broken with Mr. Godenot and the Alliance regulars and formed an organization to oppose the shameful status quo.

The Citizens’ League will work for an efficient administration of public affairs. We will see that taxes are honestly expended, that the proper measures are taken to advance the public school system, that the police force is increased, and that the streets are kept clean and good drainage is provided. We will eliminate from the city payrolls the political loafers who draw salaries for which they do not work, thus depriving honest men of the opportunity to earn an honest living.

Look for the announcement of our mayoral candidate later this month.

Agricola Fusilier
Citizens’ League
26 Basin Street, New Toulouse