New Toulouse

In a stunning upset in yesterday’s election, challenger Richard E. Mains has defeated the incumbent mayor, Henri Godenot.

“I thought I had it locked up,” said Godenot. “In fact, every person I talked to told me that he had voted for me!”

It was a campaign like none New Toulouse had ever seen. Mayor Godenot, a stalwart of the Regular Alliance Organization, received 9 votes in yesterday’s election; the victor, Mains, ran on the new Citizens’ Party ticket and took 11 votes. Jack Mondieu, representing the Destroy the Sun Party, had a very respectable showing, with 5 votes, or 20 percent of the total. Voter turnout was 113 percent.

Mr. Mains was jubilant at his victory party. Between toasts of “We did it!” and “Champagne for everyone!” he explained his campaign and his plans for the city. “We had a simple message—that elected officials in this city were corrupt and needed to be replaced. Without those rascals skimming from the city coffers, we can afford improved education for our children, better drainage, and a cheaper, fairer tax base.”

In his concession speech, Mr. Godenot said, “It is with a heavy heart that I am here to concede the mayoral election to my opponent, Richard Mains. Mains ran a good, clean campaign, and he will make you a fine mayor. Please give him the support that you didn’t give me. Thank you, those of you who voted for me, and rest well, those of you who didn’t. With the election over, I plan to spend some time away, but I’ll be back to look over my business concerns. Keep a watchful eye on the bayou, and stay safe and dry this hurricane season.”

Today I found Mr. Godenot in his old office in City Hall, making notes on a large yellow pad from a huge stack of files. He looked haggard and tired. “It’s my own fault,” he admitted. “I spent a lot of money for votes, and that was probably making my opponent’s claims ring true. I would have been better off if I had bought Mondieu’s endorsement and given women the vote. I’m very popular with the fairer sex in New Toulouse—it’s their husbands who don’t like me. Beedit and Francesca wrote very nice testimonials for me, and if they’d been able to vote for me, I would have tied him. And if I had bought Mondieu’s endorsement and gotten his votes, I would have beaten Mains outright.”

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Gigi Lapin lives in New Toulouse Bayou with her pet crawfish, Jimbo.

In the caption of yesterday’s “Sightings,” the word “protest” was accidentally used in place of “hullabaloo.” We regret the error.

Gentlemen—

Please vote for Richard E. Mains and save our community from itself. Our city needs schools for our children, our Bayou needs drainage and clean water. Our taxes are wasted on defending ourselves from morality itself while the real monster of ignorance stalks our populace. Look at our poor community, with the tenement cribs of Gloryville and the shacks on Shotgun Row. If our taxes were not annually wasted on that debacle we call Carnival, we could have a fine education system and proper flood control.

For too long have we labored under the heavy chains of the past and the antiquated system of political patronage. Our community needs clean, honest, and fair government. Government without the colorful candidates, without the lavish festivals and gifts; government that is clean, pure, and uncomplicated.

The Tentacles of the Regular Alliance have wrapped themselves around our lives and our homes for far too long. Strike a blow for freedom and change, and vote for Richard E. Mains, the candidate of the Citizens’ Party!

Girard Quebedeaux, Judge (retired)

Dear Editor,

I normally disregard what passes for news in this rag, but I must respond to the fearful, calumnious, and cowardly dreck recently printed under the name of a “concerned neighbor.” Calling folks who have eyes to see and ears to hear “bad” is probably normal and polite talk in the pearl-polishing parlors of the New Toulouse elite, but it’s attitudes as such that have the average citizen pining for change.

Please explain to me how it’s bad to want to raise your children in the bayou without fearing zombies (many of whom I suspect ain’t even native to Louisiana) sucking their brains clean out? Please explain to me why bayou dwellers and lower class citizens in the city are the last to see any municipal assistance when the waters rise? I guess all of that vaunted “calm guidance” is for folks who can afford to be guided.

To address the personal slander against Mr. Mains, as my Daddy (and his Daddy before him) used to say: that dog won’t hunt. Mr. Mains is honest to a fault; his only mistake was to get himself involved in that devil-black insurance business in the first place. Now, of course Mr. Mains’ valiant attempt to clean up a dirty company would disturb the likes of Mr. Godenot and his boot-licking cronies—discouraging honest behavior is the only consistent party plank of the Regular Alliance.

In sum, all this hogwash about the current mayor being good people from a “fine family” makes me wonder if “concerned neighbor” might not be the mayor’s mamma. To be fair, if I was kin to a man this inept and crooked I’d be concerned too.

It seems plain as day that “Monsieur” Godenot ain’t good enough and that’s why we need a fellow like Richard Mains to make what’s crooked straight. I’d appeal to the plain folks of New Toulouse to vote their conscience and true interests. It’s the only way to assure we purge ourselves of the zombies in the Bayou and City Hall.

Sincerely,

Diogenes F. Teufelsdröckh
La Vie Bayou #4
New Toulouse, USA

Dear Friends and Neighbors—

A letter recently published announced the candidacy of a bad man and a bad party for the Mayoral race of New Toulouse. This man, Mains, you recognize as your insurance agent. Except he isn’t your insurance agent anymore, his company has fired him for his unprofessional behavior. And now this man wants to run for Mayor, so he can get his hands on your taxes.

Resist the urge to vote for the new shiny candidate, remain faithful to the wise leader we have enjoyed for all these many years. Keep Henri Godenot in office.

Monsieur Godenot is a good man, from a fine family. He knows and understands New Toulouse as few others do. His wise leadership and calm guidance have seen us through many storms and travails, and will continue to do so. Please vote for Henri Godenot and the Regular Alliance Organization for Mayor.

Your Concerned Neighbor

Citizens of New Toulouse,

The Regular Alliance Organization has hesitated at no act, however detrimental to the public welfare, to strengthen its hold and perpetuate its existence. Should it be able to maintain its grasp, it will plunge the city into greater disorder and disgrace, hopelessly undermine the foundations of public prosperity, and finally destroy the liberties of the people.

The impending mayoral election represents a glint of hope, as many of us have broken with Mr. Godenot and the Alliance regulars and formed an organization to oppose the shameful status quo.

The Citizens’ League will work for an efficient administration of public affairs. We will see that taxes are honestly expended, that the proper measures are taken to advance the public school system, that the police force is increased, and that the streets are kept clean and good drainage is provided. We will eliminate from the city payrolls the political loafers who draw salaries for which they do not work, thus depriving honest men of the opportunity to earn an honest living.

Look for the announcement of our mayoral candidate later this month.

Agricola Fusilier
Citizens’ League
26 Basin Street, New Toulouse