Archive for the ‘Letters’ Category

Letter to the editor

by on Tuesday, July 4th, 2017

Perrinault and other shadowy New Toulouse powers have enacted a new “meat innovation solution” in answer to the overabundance of water hyacinth plants choking up the bayou. Put simply, the lake cows eat the water hyacinth plants. Then a few lake cows are harvested for delicious bacon, which is provided free to anyone who hands over a few pounds of live water hyacinth plants. Double whammy against the water hyacinth problem.

This brings up the question of humane treatment of the benevolent lake cow species. One can’t get a straight answer to the query, “How many bullets does it take to produce a package of Lake Cow bacon?” Instead you get this rhetorical response: “For fear of hurting one of the few industries in New Toulouse, I refuse to comment on bullet quantity or placement.”

The lake cow bacon production industry is presumably subsidized by your tax dollars, regardless of your dietary choices. Of course the predilection to smell bacon in the morning scrambles the logic of the meat innovation solution, anyway. How about harvesting water hyacinths to produce food and all manner of other products—hats, capes, boats, rafts, wall coverings, mats, mattress stuffings, ropes, chewing gum—and creating a real, inclusive industry?

But we know who the industry revolves around in New Toulouse, don’t we?

RMarie Beedit
Weeds Vegetarian Public House

Letter to the editor

by on Wednesday, April 12th, 2017

Madam Editor,

Recently I took a day trip to New Toulouse Bayou, for reasons of Sightseeing and certainly having nothing to do with illicit hooch distilleries, and I was shocked to discover the presence of an Alien Invasion right here in our own Parish.

These invaders are as beautiful as they are dangerous. I am speaking, of course, of Eichhornia crassipes, the water hyacinth.

A single plant can produce five thousand seeds and cover an acre in one growing season. A woman brought one home to Florida from the World’s Industrial and Cotton Centennial Exposition of 1884, and when it overran her fishpond, she put the extra hyacinths at her boat landing. Would you like to know how many miles of the river soon became impossible to navigate by steamboat? Two hundred miles, that’s how many.

If these prolific plants were to spread from Bayou to the Missedabracket River, that great muddy road of Commerce, our entire Parish would suffer. I have heard that a local grocery handed out free water hyacinths as a promotion. We need a concerted effort to eradicate this picturesque menace, not to encourage it in the name of selling more washing-powder.

Scientifically yours,
B. Robicheaux

Samedi Gras ends, unhappy resident to depart

by on Tuesday, February 28th, 2017

[Here’s an anonymous letter along with some parade photographs taken by our own Miss Pie. Visit her gallery to see these pictures (and more) in their full glory.—Ed.]

Dear Sirs, or Madames, or Pirate Cats, or whatever you are—

I cannot express how angry I am at the recent displays of outrageous behavior in our City.

While the world is fighting the War to End all Wars, our city is playing in the streets.

Saturday, February 25, was the day of the Annual Samedi Gras Parade. People filled the streets of New Toulouse, carousing like wild beasts or hedonistic fools, and behaving in a generally unchristian fashion. Men were wearing masks, in direct contravention of the laws of this city, and women were wearing masks, and little else, while shaking their bodies in immodest ways.

There was the occasional well-dressed woman, it is true. Mrs. Rose Whitefalcon and Miss Francesca Alva were modestly dressed, but when the post-parade party started, Miss Alva was out there shaking like a wild woman just like everyone else. Miss Beedit was showing entirely too much shoulder. My husband and I grabbed our child, boarded the ferry, and took refuge in the Bayou, fully expecting divine retribution as in the biblical stories of old.

And to what do we owe these expressions of sinfulness? It is our own people’s fear of penance, people who cannot observe a few weeks of Lent without preparing for it by drinking, smoking, carousing, idolatry, the worship of pagan gods, and every other imaginable vice.

The displays of flesh were appalling. I estimate that the City should have earned several hundred in Parade Fees, and at least that much in nudity permits. I hereby call upon the administration of this den of iniquity to donate at least that much to the Gumbo Charity.

This type of behavior must not stand. We intend to leave this damp wicked place and live somewhere safe, clean, and dry, perhaps Las Vegas.

—Color Me Gone

Letter to the editor

by on Thursday, January 12th, 2017

Several women in Boston demanded to be registered as voters, basing their claim on the Federal Constitution which says specifically: “No state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States.” The women who desired registration were formerly citizens and voters in California and Colorado. Lawyers who have studied the provisions of the United States Constitution express an opinion that there is a possibility for women who were enfranchised in one state to vote in a non-suffrage state, if they have complied with the qualifications, because the Federal Constitution says: “Full faith and credit shall be given in each state to the public acts, records and judicial proceedings of every other state,” and “The citizens of each state shall be entitled to all the privileges and immunities of citizens in the several states.” It will be interesting to watch the decision of the courts relative to what constitutes citizenship and abridgement of “privileges and immunities.”

Women and love will find the way.

Ethel Varnish
New Toulouse

Letter to the editor

by on Tuesday, January 3rd, 2017

Will Prohibition win?

The Research Department of the Board of Temperance, Washington, D. C., is using every effort to collect every data they can and are spending enormous sums of money to bring forcefully to the attention of Congress, the greatest abuse from the results of consumption of intoxicating liquors and that their efforts are meeting with success will shortly be shown by the vote when the new bill comes up before our law makers.

Our little town furnished an incident on Christmas Eve that could be used by the Research Department as an object lesson over which some of our represntatives in Congress might ponder. Just about the time the people were going into the Catholic Church to attend the Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve, a young boy at the corner apparently from fourteen to sixteen years old, was so intoxicated that he was extremely boisterous, using profain and insulting language and as he staggered about the streets, he was a pitiful sight for those who had better training and were going to church at that time to pray for their souls and the souls of others. This poor boy was not altogether to blame. Perhaps a good mother has been trying to bring him up in the right path, but the real guilty one is the person who either gave or sold him the intoxicant, and they should be punished to the extreme. This incident is one of the many thousands that are making sure that National Prohibition will come within the next few years.

Mrs. John Desboulets
New Toulouse

Letter to the editor

by on Saturday, August 13th, 2016

Dear Tattler—

Please clarify that while “several who have gone gunning for these birds have been arrested,” no New Toulouse hunter has yet been arrested, fined, or even detained for hunting the local gros-bec out of season. Your warning is appreciated, it is possible that these penalties might apply outside of our fair district.

Please also tell your readers that the mayor is offering a reward for the report any sightings of any member of the “Conservation Commission of Louisiana.”

Individuals who are night hunting or spot lighting are requested to avoid shooting the Pic à bec d’ivoire, or Ivory-Billed Woodpecker, these birds are no longer plentiful, do not taste good, and Madame Ulysse has been earning a good income showing these birds to the professors from the north.

—The Mayor

Letter to the editor

by on Saturday, July 16th, 2016

Madam Editor,

Nearly four million women will vote in the coming presidential election in November. The states in which women can vote and the number of women over 21 years of age in each state according to the census of 1910, are as follows:

Illinois, 1,567,491
California, 671,336
Kansas, 438,934
Colorado, 213,425
Washington, 277,727
Oregon, 168,323
Arizona, 43,891
Utah, 85,729
Montana, 81,741
Idaho, 69,818
Wyoming, 28,840
Nevada, 18,140

Woman are at last receiving some consideration in the enactment of laws in the State of Louisiana. At the session of the legislature, which has just adjourned, an act was introduced and passed defining the capacity of married women, that is, that now married women will have the right to buy and dispose of their own property without the authorization of their husbands. If the State is not completely corrupted by giving this right to women, perhaps succeeding legislatures will be a little more liberal in their grants.

Miss Anna Morrell
Covington, La.

Letter to the editor

by on Friday, May 20th, 2016

Dear Madam,

I am sure other readers of this estimable publication were as shocked as I to learn of the untimely demise of Mayor-Elect Mr. R. E. Mains. However, let us not dwell on melancholy subjects, but reflect for a moment on what it means for our fair City. fishbrand-slickerHowever genuine he may have been, Mr. Mains was not a native of New Toulouse. He could not possibly hope to understand what makes us “tick,” as it were. High ideals and fine ideas are all very well and good, but Taloosters live in the real world. I am afraid Mr. Mains and his “policies” were simply too rarefied for us down-to-earth and simple folk. By contrast Mayor Godenot is one of us. He is a Talooster to his fingertips. Let us not rejoice at the loss of a life, but remain conscious that Fate has thrown us a much-needed lifeline. It is time to look to the future; I look forward to Mayor Godenot’s continuing patronage of my humble establishment.

I should also like to mention, without starting any wild rumors or speculation of the kind I abhor, that the Mains family tomb appears to have been paid for by a lady whose reputation in New Toulouse is hardly of the highest. It is to be hoped that she does not lose the mausoleum in a poker game, as the new owners might well evict the sitting tenants, and we have zombies enough without adding to their number.

I remain, yours faithfully

Francesca Alva

Letter to the editor

by on Friday, May 6th, 2016

Fellow-citizens,

I want to take a plank from the platform of my worthy opponent, Mr. Jack Mondieu. Mr. Mondieu has claimed that if elected, he will lower your rent and taxes. That is a wonderful sentiment, but meaningless when it comes from a man whose party platform demands the destruction of the sun. But it is a fine idea, and I will offer the same promise. If elected as mayor, I will clean up the government, reduce expenses, and reduce your rent and taxes. I know that I can do this, because I know that I can remove the waste in the city budget.

Richard Mains
Citizen’s Party candidate for mayor of New Toulouse

Letter to the editor

by on Friday, April 29th, 2016

Sirs—

A recent item in the New Toulouse Tattler claimed that our Company, Mutual Independent, fired our New Toulouse Agent, Mr. Richard E. Mains. This is in fact untrue. While Mr. Mains no longer works for our company, we did not in fact terminate him. Mr. Mains and our Company merely terminated our Employment Agreement, and have gone our separate ways. This statement is not intended to be an endorsement for Mr. Mains; our company policies forbid us from endorsing and candidates for public office. We thank you for the opportunity to correct the previous misstatement, and wish both candidates the very best of luck. Please note that our new Agent in your area is Mr. Agricola Fusilier, doing business in the same location for over a fiftieth of a century.

Neptunus Thornton, sec’ty
Mutual Independent Insurance Company