Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Bacon of hope? Group takes aim at bayou woes

by on Friday, June 30th, 2017

A volunteer studies water hyacinths in a display at the Bayou Safety Initiative.

If you’ve ever wanted to turn flowers into bacon, now’s your chance.

No, this isn’t just more of the usual bunkum. We are daily bombarded with fantastical assertions, and now we are weary and jaded. Flowers into bacon, you say? Why, only the other week a traveling man of God—with his very own tent and a parish permit and a not untalented banjoist—promised that if I added whatever coinage I could to his collection plate, my prayers would be heard and addressed. I can report that despite my having put a solid three lindens into the holy kitty, not one of my prayers has been answered, including the one about the trousers. But I digress.

If you have the right kind of flower—Eichhornia crassipes, the water hyacinth—you can indeed exchange it for bacon. Of a certain type. While supplies last.

The Bayou Safety Initiative is kicking off its flagship campaign with help from Perrineau & Co., a local provider of innovative meat solutions. Foreign flowers threaten our domestic waterways—nay, our very way of life. Buying liberty bonds won’t stop flowers. Only hippopotamuses, and you, can help.

Perrineau, near packages of lake cow bacon.

In partnership with the initiative, Perrineau & Co. is offering a free package of hippopotamus bacon in exchange for any living water hyacinth plants. This comes in the aftermath of a recent water hyacinth giveaway, the ill-advised promotional effort of a local grocery.

“Our lake cows already help control the water hyacinth population,” said Perrineau. “They find them delicious—but not as delicious as you’ll find our lake cow bacon!”

(In case you’ve been asleep for the past few years—I’m looking at you, Krewe Van Winkle—a “lake cow” is a hippopotamus, at least in the parlance of Perrineau & Co.)

The Bayou Safety Initiative could use your help. The group has offered to pick up water hyacinths from homes and businesses, but the response to the bacon-for-flowers deal has been overwhelming. To volunteer, go to the BSI office at #8 Rue Bayou, New Toulouse.

Jack Mondieu feels far more threatened by zombies and gators than by any flower.

Tinies kick up their heels for a good cause

by on Tuesday, June 13th, 2017

If you heard the patter of Tiny feet in New Toulouse on Saturday, you weren’t imagining it. The Tiny Social Aid and Pleasure Club held the seventh New Toulouse Tiny Dance in aid of Relay for Life. Those critters raised a staggering L$15,050 in the fight against cancer, and they had a great time doing it.

Mayor Henri Godenot and Miss RMarie Beedit were unable to attend but sent apologies together with generous donations. Among the Tinies present were Miss Eilidh McCullough, who started the ACTS team Tiny Dance tradition, team captain Olde Eldemar, who looked most dashing as a cavalier, and his co-captain and wife, Cassie Eldemar.

The DJ was once again Manfred “Owlbear” Hancroft with his “totally legit” tunes.

Our photographer was there capturing the scene as the cream of Tiny society strutted its stuff.

Frances Lava is a Biggie and intends to stay that way. She lives in Gloryville overlooking her family tomb.

Want live rattlesnake?

by on Friday, May 26th, 2017

If you are in the market for a live rattlesnake, measuring almost six feet in length and with ten of the finest rattlers you ever saw, then you can get one if you hurry and write W. O. Thomas, of New Toulouse. He captured one as above described about seven miles from New Toulouse last Sunday and was trying to dispose of him here last week. Taloosters, however, did not appear to want to own the monster, due perhaps to the fact that while it was here it acted rather vicious. A large number of citizens took a look at the reptile.

Jack Mondieu is hoping he’s a figment of his own imagination.

President points out how all may help

by on Saturday, May 20th, 2017

Police Blotter

by on Tuesday, April 11th, 2017

Charles Oubre, alias Charles Comeaux, gardener, 65 years old, was arrested Thursday evening at 6:30 o’clock at Royal and Nightingale streets and charged with violating the city and state laws relative to having lottery paraphernalia in his possession. A lot of tickets, lists, etc., together with United States currency, were found in his pockets. Affidavits were preferred and he was paroled to appear for trial.

Some unknown party fired a shot, supposedly from a revolver, Thursday evening at 7:30 o’clock, from the direction of Wikifoo plaza, and the bullet struck the wall of the store of Daniel Pollard, 8 Nightingale street, then glanced and shattered the glass of a window valued at L$5. The police have obtained no clue.

Alleging he saw him acting suspiciously at Royal and Nightingale streets Tuesday morning, Patrolman Hoffman arrested August Morhing, 22 years old, a native of Hamburg, Germany, and turned him over to the federal authorities at the immigration station. Morhing, it is said, formerly was employed on the Vaccaro Brothers’ steamship Uria, which plies between New Toulouse and Central American ports.

Hungry women besiege New York city hall

by on Wednesday, April 5th, 2017

Scene at New York city hall showing the food rioters, nearly all women, mounting the steps in their effort to see Mayor Mitchel. The first of the police reserves have arrived and are stopping the first rush. Thousands of women from the East side and other sections of the city opened a crusade against the high cost of living and started by raiding push-cart peddlers who had raised their prices. They then marched in a disorderly body to the city hall to enlist the mayor’s aid in their fight against the rising cost of necessities.

Laundry deadline looms

by on Friday, February 24th, 2017

The staff of Lin Laundry would like you to know that if you still haven’t gotten your Samedi Gras finery cleaned and pressed, you have until noon today to drop it off.

Miette Lin, owner of the business at 6 Shotgun Row, added that anyone who darkens her doorstep between 11:30 a.m. and noon will get charged double.

“Every year, we have people who come in the day before the parade with pieces of costumes that are not fit to wear in public,” Miss Lin explained. “Then we stay up all night cleaning them, and either miss the parade or can’t enjoy the parties. This year, I want to make sure my employees have the chance to get as drunk and disorderly as everyone else in town.”

Priscilla Rousseau and Lucy Chen, employees of Lin Laundry, both expressed relief at the idea of a deadline.

“You should see what shows up here five minutes before closing time most years,” Miss Rousseau said. “Caked in last year’s hangover.”

“That was that reporter,” Mrs. Chen corrected her, but did not elaborate which one. (Author’s note: It wasn’t me.)

“We want to remind anyone who finds himself or herself in this predicament that it’s entirely preventable. We have an Ash Wednesday special every year,” Miss Lin added. “Half price to wash the regrets right out of your costume if you drop it off on your way to do penance, no questions asked.”

Joe LaSalle is looking forward to Samedi Gras and creating some reasons to repent.

Big Cheese gives big speech

by on Thursday, February 23rd, 2017

Late afternoon Wednesday the Big Cheese held a rally at Laveau Square, accompanied by a number of raccoons. The exact number of raccoons was impossible to determine, as they were in constant motion. I saw perhaps twenty, but people are saying there were hundreds.

The Big Cheese delivered an animated speech, at times gesticulating wildly to emphasize a point. But since no word was spoken, it is hard to say precisely what was the content of the speech. One presumes that somewhere in there was the traditional exhortation, by Carnival royalty, to attend the parade given in their honor (Samedi Gras, this Saturday) and to engage in general revelry of the season.

The raccoons cheered frequently and at times seemed to be chanting. I spotted Green-Eyed Fairy proprietress Francesca Alva nearby and decided to head to her refined establishment after the rally.

Miss Alva, who speaks Raccoon, told me that the raccoons are planning to take over New Toulouse. “They’re going to choose me as their queen,” she said. Just in case, I hurriedly paid my bar tab (leaving a nice tip, of course) and then went around town loosening trash can lids. Never let it be said that I failed to assist our possible new overlords.

Jack Mondieu plans to stop short of obtaining two black eyes in order to better fit in.

A porcine proclamation

by on Tuesday, February 7th, 2017

As the sun was setting Tuesday evening, the Big Cheese emerged from City Hall to deliver another Carnival proclamation. It clapped its hands twice, and a pig came out, floating in the air via some sort of extraordinary, dangerous-looking device. The flying pig emitted a series of squeals before accompanying the Big Cheese back into the building. As to the meaning of this proclamation, it is left as an exercise for the reader.

Jack Mondieu is right now hankering for some ham.

Big Cheese emerges

by on Sunday, February 5th, 2017

An unidentified rodent has declared itself Big Cheese of Carnival and taken over a portion of City Hall. The large ratlike creature appeared at a balcony to deliver its first proclamation, by way of interpretive dance while holding a toy crustacean. As no dance experts were on the scene, it is difficult to know the exact meaning of the proclamation; but because of the crustacean’s straight tail, some have speculated that it is a public health warning not to eat the “dead” ones.

The Big Cheese is reportedly holed up inside a normally off-limits room upstairs. The number and volume of strange noises coming from this room have decreased since the BC took up residence.

Former mayoral candidate Jack Mondieu has almost perfected the skill of “extreme napping.”