Archive for the ‘Editorial’ Category

Cast your vote against stagnation

by on Thursday, May 5th, 2016

Dear friends and neighbors, please consider the choices available to you in the upcoming election. On the one hand, the old forces of corruption and patronage, on the other, wise, just, and honest government.

We cannot tell you the number of times we have sought to do business in your fair environs, only to be rebuffed by your corrupt Mayor. He promises a drilling permit, then withholds a surface lease. He offers us a pipeline right-of-way, then sends armed men to threaten our surveyors. We have paid triple the going rate for land, twice!

This man, Godenot, does not have your best interests at heart. Had he signed with us, your city could be enjoying the wealth and prosperity that the towns of Beaumont and Houston now enjoy. The industry and prosperity brought by the liquid gold beneath feet could be yours if not for the terrible corruption and bribes this man creates and demands.

Drive Godenot from office, and from your town, and you too can enjoy the prosperity and wealth that we have brought to every community in our wake.

W. Scott Heywood, Jennings Oil Company


This is a paid political endorsement from the president of the Jennings Oil Company.

Don’t vote for Mains

by on Wednesday, May 4th, 2016

I cannot tell you how disappointed I am in the campaign of little Dickey Mains. He knows that he cannot beat me in a fair race, so he is funding the false campaign of the improbable DESTROY THE SUN Party to pull votes away from me. Don’t help them. Jack Mondieu is a nice guy, but he’s a journalist, and we know that his newspaper doesn’t pay him well. Don’t donate to the DESTROY THE SUN Party, the money goes to little Dickey Mains. If you want to help Jack, give him money directly, but give your vote to me.

Now about my real opponent, little Dickey Mains. His former company hurried up and reopened their office here to save face—if they didn’t do that, the State would have pulled their Insurance Certificate and forbade them from doing business anywhere in the State. So it looks less embarrassing for them that way. But did you notice they didn’t endorse him? Ha! He stole their money and caused them all of that embarrassment! They wouldn’t endorse him because of all of the money he cost them, but they have to play nice or people will cancel their policies!

I also want to express my sympathy to the family of Mrs. Luella Mains, née Henican. This poor woman did perish last year under mysterious circumstances, and her evil husband is using her insurance money to run for Mayor of New Toulouse. He’s not mayor material, he has no mayoral experience, no family background, and only moved to New Toulouse two years ago to open a fraudulent insurance agency and defraud everyone he’s ever met! Don’t vote for this man who thinks he can just buy the election. Vote for me, Henri Godenot.


This political advertisement was paid for by the Committee to Re-Elect A Mayor (CREAM).

A paid political statement from Richard Mains

by on Sunday, May 1st, 2016

Hello, my name is Richard Mains, and I want to be your mayor. As I see it, there is only one obstacle to my goal, and that is the current mayor. I don’t want to mention him by name—you know who he is—but I want to refute the terrible things he has been saying about me.

He said, “How did he get so rich?” I’ll tell you about my financial status. I worked hard for years for the Mutual Independent Insurance Company, right here in New Toulouse, and I saved my money, the same way I’d like to save your taxes. Then my beloved wife passed away, and she was insured by Mutual Independent. I sincerely believed in the product I sold, so I bought a policy for her. I am living testimony that it’s a good product from a good company. I lost my dear wife, but our careful financial planning has given me the ability to attain my goals and lead New Toulouse to a brighter, more honest, less corrupt future. I humbly request your vote for mayor.

Richard E. Mains
Citizens’ Party

A paid political statement from the mayor

by on Thursday, April 28th, 2016

I want to let you know what kind of man my opponent is. Richard E. Mains, the slippery candidate of the entirely fictitious Citizens’ Party is going to run against me for Mayor. Haha, the CITIZENS’ PARTY! We know all of the Citizens in New Toulouse, and they go to parties, they don’t join them. It’s just a made-up, fancy-sounding name to make it sound like they have popular support.

This guy—I hesitate to call him “man”—used to be your insurance agent! And now he’s not, but he has enough money to finance an expensive political campaign. He’s a wealthy man—now, how did that happen? I’ll tell you. Little Dicky Mains isn’t living high off the hog on the insurance company’s money, oh no! He’s living off of the premiums that poor people like you and me paid in! That man has run off with our premiums, and now he wants to run off with your city government! He says he retired, but you know that’s a lie—when he ran off with those premiums, they just plain old fired him. The good people of New Toulouse are too smart to be fooled by a shyster like that! Have you ever seen an Insurance Agent go out of business? Noooo! They can’t! Their profits are guaranteed by their magic actuarial tables! Their profit is assured! But that’s not enough for Mister Fancy Suit Dicky, is it? Nooo! He done scammed his employer and run off with your money! I challenge you to find the insurance company in town! They closed it! They bundled up your hard-earned premium money, and Mr. Fancy Suit is spending it on booze and probably even worse!

Mark my words, if that man becomes Mayor, he will scam your rent money and your taxes and all of my graft that comes in from outside sources, and he will put it in his carpetbag, and back to the big city he will go. In the middle of the night! Don’t vote for little Dicky, vote for me, Henri Godenot, the Mayor you can talk to!


Henri Godenot is the mayor of New Toulouse.

Mondieu for mayor? Seriously?

by on Tuesday, April 12th, 2016

My colleague, Mr. Jack Mondieu, has announced his candidacy for mayor. In response, my employer, the New Toulouse Tattler, is not endorsing a mayoral candidate this year, in order to avoid a conflict of interest. Out of journalistic integrity, I too will avoid endorsing a candidate.

But it is that same integrity that compels me to write this editorial imploring you not to vote for Jack Mondieu.

Lest I be accused of airing a workplace grievance in the guise of politics, I believe Mr. Mondieu is a talented writer, and although I sometimes disagree with his methods, his familiarity with the seedier side of our fair city is frequently an advantage to his investigative skills. Professionally, I have no real quarrel with Jack.

Neither is this a personal matter. After the incident several years ago when the Tattler threw a small holiday dinner for its staff, and he got drunk and attempted to smack me on the backside and I gave him a black eye, we have had a perfectly cordial relationship. In fact, if refraining from chasing Mr. Mondieu off of my bayou property when I find him sleeping in the shed because he got evicted again is any indication, I might go so far as to say we are friends.

No, this is strictly in regard to his qualifications for office. Jack is a disorganized, alcoholic disaster of a human being, in addition to being an utter cad. Unfortunately, Louisiana, unlike some other parts of the nation, does not (yet!) see the wisdom of women’s suffrage, so that alone may not disqualify him, much to my chagrin.

Does anyone really think that Mr. Mondieu believes he will actually “destroy the sun”? Surely it is obvious that this amusing euphemism simply means that he will be far too hungover to keep office hours during the daylight.

Imagine, if you will, next hurricane season, with a city in a state of emergency and (God forbid) a Mayor Mondieu. Will he be organizing rescues? Coordinating shelters? Organizing rations of food and water? Or will he be where he always is—flat on his back and three sheets to the wind?

Ordinarily, I would assume that Jack’s candidacy was a lark conceived over a few too many at Lafitte’s, but I have not found Jack sleeping in my shed in several weeks. This is because he is staying at his new campaign headquarters. Knowing what I know about Mr. Mondieu’s finances, I can only come to the alarming conclusion that his candidacy has supporters.

I understand that Jack has a blunt, crass charm, and the idea of him as mayor is amusing. But the joke will no longer be funny if the punchline is his election.

For the love of the city, for the love of all that’s holy, vote for someone else.


Jane Moreaux keeps all four eyes on New Toulouse.

Votes for Women

by on Tuesday, March 29th, 2016

WOMEN SUPERINTENDENTS

Four states have women as superintendents of public instruction. They are Wyoming, Colorado, Washington and Idaho. In Montana all the county superintendents are women. About one-half of the same officials in Kansas are women, and in California over one-half its county superintendents are of the gentle sex. In all these states women are voters and can use their votes for the benefit of the schools. That is one reason why the percent of intelligence in these states ranks higher than in the south. Why shouldn’t women teachers fit themselves for every position of school control? Especially should women have the vote on questions relating to the school life of children. The west has been quick to recognize the merits of its women and this may be the principal reason why it has gone so far in advance of other sections of the country. It surely cannot be because western women are cleverer than others, but must be because their opportunities are greater. The vote is a great factor in individual progress as well as in state affairs, and western women have shown how well they can use the vote.


WOMAN PLANTATION MANAGER

Eight hundred acres is something of a good-sized farm, yet this is what Mrs. John MacDowell of Lake Arthur, La., has acquired and will manage. The plantation has two large pumping stations and numerous canals. About three thousand orange trees are an important feature of the plantation. With the necessary amount of intelligence to operate, and the necessity for contributing a goodly sum to the taxes of her region, it is significant that because she is a woman, this plantation manager’s opinion is of no account at the ballot-box. Louisiana woman are no better protected than women of other states which value votes for women. What’s the reason? Just plain prejudice? Let California answer with its voting women and its wonderful progress.


GIRLS CAN SPELL

New Toulouse public schools had a spelling test recently. About twenty-five thousand pupils participated. In every grade the results showed the girls made better records than the boys, and this in face of the statement that more boys are over-age in various grades than are the girls. Another curious fact is that more girls than boys are being graduated from public schools generally. This surely means that in a few years the women will be the educated portion of the community. No better argument for votes for women can be advanced. It would place the ballot in intelligent hands and raise the standard of voting to that of an intelligent citizenship.


Southern States Woman Suffrage Conference, 417 Camp Street, New Toulouse

From the Editor’s Desk

by on Saturday, February 8th, 2014

Niki-missing-posterReturning today after a nice visit with family up north, I was just in time for the Krewe Bayou meeting at the Fairy. After the meeting, I was made to understand that my own newspaper has published articles containing wild rumors regarding my absence.

I hear that Mayor Godenot paid some sort of bogus ransom for my unkidnapped self, and that soon after, some rabbit bought every last alligator pear in town.

I have not been made into pie, but I do have what looks like a good recipe for rabbit pie, which I would like to share with Miss Lapin. If anyone sees her, please let me know where she is, as I would also like to get back the spare set of keys for the Tattler building (and never, ever leave them in her charge again).


Nikita Weymann is the editor of the New Toulouse Tattler. She would make a terrible ingredient for pie.

From the Editor’s Desk

by on Saturday, March 2nd, 2013

This week we celebrate the fifth anniversary of the city of New Toulouse, founded on March 8, 2008, by Carricre Wind, affectionately known as Mama Cree.

Kicking off the week is the opening of Art in the Park, a weeklong exhibit by Taloosters and friends. Join Maurice Nixon today at 1:00 PM for a champagne reception in Laveau Square. Currently on display are works by T. S. Carson (as curated by Lazarus Morane), Maggie Hawksby, Adele Kling, Kristine Jinx-Kristan, Gigi Lapin, Maurice Nixon, and Bryn Oh. More artwork will be added as the week progresses.

Shotgun Row Blues Cafe and the Green-eyed Fairy will offer Founder’s Week amusements, and the week wraps up on Saturday, March 9, with a ceremony by Mayor Godenot followed by a street party and live concert by singer and pianist Kyle Bronsdon.

Mama Cree once said,

New Toulouse, despite all appearances, is not New Orleans. It may seem like New Orleans at times, but it’s not. Instead it is a glorious approximation of a south Louisiana city set around 1918 in our past.

It’s all the pain, the beauty, the lust, community and loneliness all rolled up, in a pretty package.

It’s everything from the history and the imagination. There are gators, zombies, hoodoo mambas and houguns, gentlemen, belles, sluts and hobos. In Taloos, skin color is an option, ’cause we get all sorts. There’s a deep history, but it isn’t ours.

It’s theirs.

They earned it.

If you’re reading this right now, you are probably a Talooster. Whether you live in the city or the bayou or elsewhere, whether you have been here from the start or you’ve just arrived recently, you are what makes this place so vibrant. All of us together make up this strange and wonderful thing called New Toulouse, and that right there is cause enough for celebration.


Nikita Weymann may be a grumpy swamp hermit, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you.

From the Editor’s Desk

by on Thursday, January 17th, 2013

It is only fitting that the initial editorial for the return of the New Toulouse Tattler be written by the new mayor of the city; therefore, we turn over the editorial microphone to Mr. Henri Godenot. —Ed.


I am honored to have the opportunity to manage New Toulouse and New Toulouse Bayou. I have been a resident here in New Toulouse and New Toulouse Bayou since these lands first rose from the swamps.

New Toulouse has a culture, a feeling, and a pace all its own. Our neighbors live in this place because they have found some aspect of that culture appealing. It’s my job to preserve those characteristics that we all love so much.

I was delighted to be able to purchase this estate from Miss Gabrielle Riel. She purchased it from its founder, Miss Carricre Wind. These people have loved and cared for this place, and they have done a wonderful job in managing and preserving it. I intend to live up to the exceptional standard they have established, so I have assembled an exceptional management team to give New Toulouse the respect and care it deserves.

I encourage you to walk around, to meet the people and enjoy this beautiful place, its residents, and culture; and I would like to thank you for visiting, living, working, and playing here, and for all that you contribute to making New Toulouse one of the best places anywhere.

I am the guy responsible for paying the bills, making the unpopular decisions, and taking the blame when things go wrong. My estate managers are Francesca Alva, Pazzo Pestana, and Nikita Weymann. Yvonne Follet and Bedlamie Thunders are my executive assistants and the first people to contact with questions and concerns; they are able to put you in touch with the right people to help you with any problems.

Every person on this team is a resident of New Toulouse. All of them were selected for their knowledge of New Toulouse, their character, and their reputation. Every one of them wants to see New Toulouse flourish. I have the greatest confidence in them and their ability, and I take great satisfaction in working with such an extraordinary team.

A new day is dawning in our New Toulouse, and Chanticleer, our rooster, has returned to the town square to greet it!


Henri Godenot is the mayor of New Toulouse.