Friends and Neighbors of New Toulouse—
Thank you for the support you have given me in my previous elections and in my office. I genuinely appreciate this support, and I look forward to enjoying this support in the future.
New Toulouse is a wonderful place. You make New Toulouse a wonderful place, and I want to continue being your Senator Mayor, to keep making New Toulouse a wonderful place.
I have a serious opponent this election cycle, and I’m not talking about our friend Jack Mondieu. Our fair city is under attack by the forces of evil in the Citizens’ League, and they want to change everything we know and love about our city.
You know these people—they’re dry, humorless, and stuck up! They probably have something wrong with their digestion, I don’t know. They just waltz on into our city, spouting unrealistic platitudes about “honest government” and “conscience.” Hell, that idiot wouldn’t know Conscience if she left her Gloryville crib and bit him on the buttock!
You know where to find sympathetic government in New Toulouse. It’s in City Hall, and as long as I’m in office, it always will be. Remember after the hurricane when those poor widows lost their homes? Who suspended their rent payments until they could rebuild? You did! Well, I did, but I used your money.
Do you remember when poor little Soto had to run around all dressed up, like a butterfly in a cage? Who figured out how to get her a nudity permit so she could be free and we could enjoy her beautiful assets? Well, I did that one, without any help!
Who dug the old Rooster out of the swamp and restored him to his cocky place of glory in the Square? Well, Niki and Fran, actually, but they work for me, so I’m taking credit. Hell, the other guy would probably rather have a stiff-necked old man on that pedestal.
And as for Mr. Teufelsdröckh’s letter:
Who decided not to sterilize the Bayou of Zombies? That was me. It’s not their fault that people decided to build homes over that old graveyard. And they didn’t choose to be Zombies, they just ended up that way. We need to let them shamble, because they are our ancestors!
Who keeps municipal assistance out of the Bayou? Me again. I keep the revenuers out of there too, along with the other agents who want to shut down drinking and gambling and bootlegging, too. We’re talking jobs for our friends and neighbors here, this is important stuff.
Our city is not dry and colorless. We are living, eating, drinking, breathing, sinning friends and neighbors here, and we know how to live without the help of any desiccated old prunes telling us how to run our city.
I would like your vote this election day. Send me back to City Hall, and I’ll keep New Toulouse the fun place that you and your neighbors love.
—Henri Godenot