New Toulouse

Dear Madam,

I am sure other readers of this estimable publication were as shocked as I to learn of the untimely demise of Mayor-Elect Mr. R. E. Mains. However, let us not dwell on melancholy subjects, but reflect for a moment on what it means for our fair City. However genuine he may have been, Mr. Mains was not a native of New Toulouse. He could not possibly hope to understand what makes us “tick,” as it were. High ideals and fine ideas are all very well and good, but Taloosters live in the real world. I am afraid Mr. Mains and his “policies” were simply too rarefied for us down-to-earth and simple folk. By contrast Mayor Godenot is one of us. He is a Talooster to his fingertips. Let us not rejoice at the loss of a life, but remain conscious that Fate has thrown us a much-needed lifeline. It is time to look to the future; I look forward to Mayor Godenot’s continuing patronage of my humble establishment.

I should also like to mention, without starting any wild rumors or speculation of the kind I abhor, that the Mains family tomb appears to have been paid for by a lady whose reputation in New Toulouse is hardly of the highest. It is to be hoped that she does not lose the mausoleum in a poker game, as the new owners might well evict the sitting tenants, and we have zombies enough without adding to their number.

I remain, yours faithfully

Francesca Alva

New Toulouse chose Richard Mains as the new mayor in Saturday’s election, but he will never occupy that office.

When Mrs. Ethel Varnish, proprietress of 26 Basin Street, entered the top floor of that establishment to change the linens, she found Mr. Richard E. Mains dead in his chair. The face bore a ghastly expression of fright.

Mr. Mains had been dead for several hours when the body was discovered Sunday morning, according to Dr. X. Y. Zedaker, who was called on the case. The death was probably due to apoplexy.

The office of mayor goes to the candidate with the next-highest number of votes: Mr. Henri Godenot, the incumbent.

Jack Mondieu is ready to return to a quiet life of journalism but is still committed to destroying the sun in his spare time.