New Toulouse

The Volstead Act went into effect on January 17, but temperance advocates complain that local enforcement of the alcoholic beverage ban has been “lackadaisical.” Meanwhile, local Carnival festivities are at an all-time low, but an anti-Prohibition parade will take place this weekend. So what does Prohibition mean for New Toulouse?

When we tracked him down at the Green-Eyed Fairy (a local tavern), police spokesman Brendan Bacon explained that local enforcement efforts were on hold because Mayor Henri Godenot is treating the responsible federal agents to a fishing trip. According to Patrolman Bacon, compliance with the law during Carnival “won’t matter much anyway” since “the feds are all tied up” (presumably figuratively). They are expected to be released on Ash Wednesday.

Francesca Alva, the owner of the Green-Eyed Fairy, seemed unfazed by the new law. “As far as I can see, Prohibition is a Yankee notion brought in to encourage people to drink more. Here in New Toulouse, we don’t have that problem. Furthermore, we do all our business with independent local suppliers. I don’t foresee any problems as long as the mayor keeps on greasing the palms of … I mean, liaising with the federal authorities.”

Mrs. Jedidiah Slump, speaking for the Ladies’ Temperance Association, argued that families continue to be “ravaged by the demon drink.” She called upon city officials to expedite local enforcement efforts and called upon Jed to get home straight after work or he could get his own damn supper.

A City Hall official, speaking anonymously because he was not authorized to give comment, explained that since New Toulouse has “a largely booze-based economy, we’re going easy on businesses” during this time of transition. He expects that Bayou will be largely exempt from scrutiny unless the feds hire some swamp-canny Cajuns.

This Saturday, February 15, at 12:00 noon SLT, Krewe Bayou kicks off another raucous walking parade downtown, the theme of which is “To Hell With Prohibition.” February 15 is also National Hippo Day, so it’s reasonable to expect some “lake cow” presence. The parade begins at the French Market.

Jack Mondieu nominates Boudreaux and Thibodeaux to root out those Bayou moonshine stills.

Following a sharp rise in reports of local hauntings, a fresh survey of ghostly activity is taking place in New Toulouse Parish.

The Spectral Activity Survey will continue through December 5, so be on the lookout for any haints, spooks, wraiths, phantoms, specters, poltergeists, or other apparitions. Citizens who register 20 ghosts with the Beacon Spiritualist Institute will gain access to gifts organized by the Taloo Boosters Society.

“The ghosts of this parish, among them the oldest inhabitants of the area, have for too long been without a voice,” said Richard Mains, a recently deceased candidate for New Toulouse mayor. “Since many ghosts are housebound, we call upon the living to find us and tell our stories.”

The most recent survey of this type was undertaken in November 1914, when 2,720 spirits were reported in this parish.

To get started finding ghosts, visit the Beacon Spiritualist Institute at 23 Nightingale Street, New Toulouse, and pick up your “Ghost Hunter’s Kit.”

Jack Mondieu, Ace Reporter, is awfully fond of spirits.

If you are in the market for a live rattlesnake, measuring almost six feet in length and with ten of the finest rattlers you ever saw, then you can get one if you hurry and write W. O. Thomas, of New Toulouse. He captured one as above described about seven miles from New Toulouse last Sunday and was trying to dispose of him here last week. Taloosters, however, did not appear to want to own the monster, due perhaps to the fact that while it was here it acted rather vicious. A large number of citizens took a look at the reptile.

Jack Mondieu is hoping he’s a figment of his own imagination.

Late afternoon Wednesday the Big Cheese held a rally at Laveau Square, accompanied by a number of raccoons. The exact number of raccoons was impossible to determine, as they were in constant motion. I saw perhaps twenty, but people are saying there were hundreds.

The Big Cheese delivered an animated speech, at times gesticulating wildly to emphasize a point. But since no word was spoken, it is hard to say precisely what was the content of the speech. One presumes that somewhere in there was the traditional exhortation, by Carnival royalty, to attend the parade given in their honor (Samedi Gras, this Saturday) and to engage in general revelry of the season.

The raccoons cheered frequently and at times seemed to be chanting. I spotted Green-Eyed Fairy proprietress Francesca Alva nearby and decided to head to her refined establishment after the rally.

Miss Alva, who speaks Raccoon, told me that the raccoons are planning to take over New Toulouse. “They’re going to choose me as their queen,” she said. Just in case, I hurriedly paid my bar tab (leaving a nice tip, of course) and then went around town loosening trash can lids. Never let it be said that I failed to assist our possible new overlords.

Jack Mondieu plans to stop short of obtaining two black eyes in order to better fit in.

Fellow-citizens,

I want to take a plank from the platform of my worthy opponent, Mr. Jack Mondieu. Mr. Mondieu has claimed that if elected, he will lower your rent and taxes. That is a wonderful sentiment, but meaningless when it comes from a man whose party platform demands the destruction of the sun. But it is a fine idea, and I will offer the same promise. If elected as mayor, I will clean up the government, reduce expenses, and reduce your rent and taxes. I know that I can do this, because I know that I can remove the waste in the city budget.

Richard Mains
Citizen’s Party candidate for mayor of New Toulouse

I cannot tell you how disappointed I am in the campaign of little Dickey Mains. He knows that he cannot beat me in a fair race, so he is funding the false campaign of the improbable DESTROY THE SUN Party to pull votes away from me. Don’t help them. Jack Mondieu is a nice guy, but he’s a journalist, and we know that his newspaper doesn’t pay him well. Don’t donate to the DESTROY THE SUN Party, the money goes to little Dickey Mains. If you want to help Jack, give him money directly, but give your vote to me.

Now about my real opponent, little Dickey Mains. His former company hurried up and reopened their office here to save face—if they didn’t do that, the State would have pulled their Insurance Certificate and forbade them from doing business anywhere in the State. So it looks less embarrassing for them that way. But did you notice they didn’t endorse him? Ha! He stole their money and caused them all of that embarrassment! They wouldn’t endorse him because of all of the money he cost them, but they have to play nice or people will cancel their policies!

I also want to express my sympathy to the family of Mrs. Luella Mains, née Henican. This poor woman did perish last year under mysterious circumstances, and her evil husband is using her insurance money to run for Mayor of New Toulouse. He’s not mayor material, he has no mayoral experience, no family background, and only moved to New Toulouse two years ago to open a fraudulent insurance agency and defraud everyone he’s ever met! Don’t vote for this man who thinks he can just buy the election. Vote for me, Henri Godenot.

This political advertisement was paid for by the Committee to Re-Elect A Mayor (CREAM).

Madam,

While I am delighted to see my fellow-citizens taking such an interest in politics, I have to question the suitability of certain of those who have put themselves forward as candidates. I find it even more shocking that they have some support in the community.

Mr Mondieu’s ability and capacity for hard work are surely in doubt, given the health problems he has suffered of late. I think we all know the cause of the problem, but this newspaper is hardly the place to indulge in speculation and idle gossip. I shall point out merely that Mr. Mondieu frequents the Green-Eyed Fairy to a point where I am considering charging him rent. As for Mr. Mains, he may well be “honest, upright and true” as an earlier correspondent claims, but does anyone know this gentleman? He seems to have arrived in town from who-knows-where, and there is little to be learned of his private life.

By contrast, Henri Godenot, the present incumbent, has a record that speaks for itself: improved roads and lighting, a ferry service, the beautification of the City Hall that has always been there, and other improvements.

Are we so quick to forget? Remembering the Mayor’s generosity, I urge you all to vote for Mayor Godenot and the Alliance Party.

Vote Godenot for the status quo!

Yours, etc.,
Francesca Alva

Madam Editor,

I am writing in response to Miss Jane Moreaux’s recent editorial speaking out against the candidacy of Mr. Jack Mondieu.

Aside from the fact that it seems in very poor form to allow your staff to use this paper as a forum to squabble in public, I couldn’t help but notice that Miss Moreaux seems to be the pot calling the kettle black. Yes, Mr. Mondieu has a drinking problem. This is New Toulouse—who doesn’t? But Miss Moreaux—whose windows are frequently shuttered and whose byline disappears for months at a time—is well known for her addiction to opium. Her neighbors know that she has gone away several times for “rest.” There have been multiple occasions where she has been too incapacitated to meet her obligations. Do you know how thick the smoke is at that bayou camp where she frequently finds Mr. Mondieu sleeping off a hangover in the shed? It seems quite hypocritical for her to condemn her colleague for a little booze.

And yes, I absolutely can imagine a Mayor Mondieu knowing how to handle a city in distress over too much rain—that is what his rhetoric about destroying the sun means, I am certain.

Moreover, I absolutely agree with Miss Moreaux that women in Louisiana should have the vote, but I object to the idea that no women in New Toulouse would vote for Mr. Mondieu. A woman employs him, after all.

Up until now, I haven’t helped Mr. Mondieu afford his new campaign headquarters—but I’m going to make a donation as soon as I drop this letter in the box.

VOTE MONDIEU
Bernard Savoy,
Concerned Citizen

My colleague, Mr. Jack Mondieu, has announced his candidacy for mayor. In response, my employer, the New Toulouse Tattler, is not endorsing a mayoral candidate this year, in order to avoid a conflict of interest. Out of journalistic integrity, I too will avoid endorsing a candidate.

But it is that same integrity that compels me to write this editorial imploring you not to vote for Jack Mondieu.

Lest I be accused of airing a workplace grievance in the guise of politics, I believe Mr. Mondieu is a talented writer, and although I sometimes disagree with his methods, his familiarity with the seedier side of our fair city is frequently an advantage to his investigative skills. Professionally, I have no real quarrel with Jack.

Neither is this a personal matter. After the incident several years ago when the Tattler threw a small holiday dinner for its staff, and he got drunk and attempted to smack me on the backside and I gave him a black eye, we have had a perfectly cordial relationship. In fact, if refraining from chasing Mr. Mondieu off of my bayou property when I find him sleeping in the shed because he got evicted again is any indication, I might go so far as to say we are friends.

No, this is strictly in regard to his qualifications for office. Jack is a disorganized, alcoholic disaster of a human being, in addition to being an utter cad. Unfortunately, Louisiana, unlike some other parts of the nation, does not (yet!) see the wisdom of women’s suffrage, so that alone may not disqualify him, much to my chagrin.

Does anyone really think that Mr. Mondieu believes he will actually “destroy the sun”? Surely it is obvious that this amusing euphemism simply means that he will be far too hungover to keep office hours during the daylight.

Imagine, if you will, next hurricane season, with a city in a state of emergency and (God forbid) a Mayor Mondieu. Will he be organizing rescues? Coordinating shelters? Organizing rations of food and water? Or will he be where he always is—flat on his back and three sheets to the wind?

Ordinarily, I would assume that Jack’s candidacy was a lark conceived over a few too many at Lafitte’s, but I have not found Jack sleeping in my shed in several weeks. This is because he is staying at his new campaign headquarters. Knowing what I know about Mr. Mondieu’s finances, I can only come to the alarming conclusion that his candidacy has supporters.

I understand that Jack has a blunt, crass charm, and the idea of him as mayor is amusing. But the joke will no longer be funny if the punchline is his election.

For the love of the city, for the love of all that’s holy, vote for someone else.

Jane Moreaux keeps all four eyes on New Toulouse.

Gentlemen—

We all know what’s wrong with City Hall. High taxes are siphoning off the money we intended to use in order to have fun. I ask you, what’s the use of being a Talooster if not for the fun?

Cast your vote for me, and I will lower your taxes and your rent. You’ll have more money to spend on the things that make New Toulouse great: booze, broads, and boudin.

Furthermore, if elected mayor, I vow to work toward the absolute and total destruction of that celestial body that is the bane of the drinking working classes: the Sun. Clearly this cannot be accomplished by a lone mayor, so look forward to my eventual candidacy for governor of Louisiana.

Together, my friends and neighbors, we can destroy the Sun. And a new day will dawn, sans solar oppression. Who needs the Sun, anyway? Plants. And plants don’t vote.

Jack Mondieu
Destroy the Sun Party
#5 Red Drum Place

(Note from the editor: Mr. Mondieu is an employee of our paper. To avoid a conflict of interest, we will not be endorsing a candidate in the race for mayor this year.)