New Toulouse

Dear friends and neighbors, please consider the choices available to you in the upcoming election. On the one hand, the old forces of corruption and patronage, on the other, wise, just, and honest government.

We cannot tell you the number of times we have sought to do business in your fair environs, only to be rebuffed by your corrupt Mayor. He promises a drilling permit, then withholds a surface lease. He offers us a pipeline right-of-way, then sends armed men to threaten our surveyors. We have paid triple the going rate for land, twice!

This man, Godenot, does not have your best interests at heart. Had he signed with us, your city could be enjoying the wealth and prosperity that the towns of Beaumont and Houston now enjoy. The industry and prosperity brought by the liquid gold beneath feet could be yours if not for the terrible corruption and bribes this man creates and demands.

Drive Godenot from office, and from your town, and you too can enjoy the prosperity and wealth that we have brought to every community in our wake.

W. Scott Heywood, Jennings Oil Company

This is a paid political endorsement from the president of the Jennings Oil Company.

I cannot tell you how disappointed I am in the campaign of little Dickey Mains. He knows that he cannot beat me in a fair race, so he is funding the false campaign of the improbable DESTROY THE SUN Party to pull votes away from me. Don’t help them. Jack Mondieu is a nice guy, but he’s a journalist, and we know that his newspaper doesn’t pay him well. Don’t donate to the DESTROY THE SUN Party, the money goes to little Dickey Mains. If you want to help Jack, give him money directly, but give your vote to me.

Now about my real opponent, little Dickey Mains. His former company hurried up and reopened their office here to save face—if they didn’t do that, the State would have pulled their Insurance Certificate and forbade them from doing business anywhere in the State. So it looks less embarrassing for them that way. But did you notice they didn’t endorse him? Ha! He stole their money and caused them all of that embarrassment! They wouldn’t endorse him because of all of the money he cost them, but they have to play nice or people will cancel their policies!

I also want to express my sympathy to the family of Mrs. Luella Mains, née Henican. This poor woman did perish last year under mysterious circumstances, and her evil husband is using her insurance money to run for Mayor of New Toulouse. He’s not mayor material, he has no mayoral experience, no family background, and only moved to New Toulouse two years ago to open a fraudulent insurance agency and defraud everyone he’s ever met! Don’t vote for this man who thinks he can just buy the election. Vote for me, Henri Godenot.

This political advertisement was paid for by the Committee to Re-Elect A Mayor (CREAM).

Hello, my name is Richard Mains, and I want to be your mayor. As I see it, there is only one obstacle to my goal, and that is the current mayor. I don’t want to mention him by name—you know who he is—but I want to refute the terrible things he has been saying about me.

He said, “How did he get so rich?” I’ll tell you about my financial status. I worked hard for years for the Mutual Independent Insurance Company, right here in New Toulouse, and I saved my money, the same way I’d like to save your taxes. Then my beloved wife passed away, and she was insured by Mutual Independent. I sincerely believed in the product I sold, so I bought a policy for her. I am living testimony that it’s a good product from a good company. I lost my dear wife, but our careful financial planning has given me the ability to attain my goals and lead New Toulouse to a brighter, more honest, less corrupt future. I humbly request your vote for mayor.

Richard E. Mains
Citizens’ Party

I want to let you know what kind of man my opponent is. Richard E. Mains, the slippery candidate of the entirely fictitious Citizens’ Party is going to run against me for Mayor. Haha, the CITIZENS’ PARTY! We know all of the Citizens in New Toulouse, and they go to parties, they don’t join them. It’s just a made-up, fancy-sounding name to make it sound like they have popular support.

This guy—I hesitate to call him “man”—used to be your insurance agent! And now he’s not, but he has enough money to finance an expensive political campaign. He’s a wealthy man—now, how did that happen? I’ll tell you. Little Dicky Mains isn’t living high off the hog on the insurance company’s money, oh no! He’s living off of the premiums that poor people like you and me paid in! That man has run off with our premiums, and now he wants to run off with your city government! He says he retired, but you know that’s a lie—when he ran off with those premiums, they just plain old fired him. The good people of New Toulouse are too smart to be fooled by a shyster like that! Have you ever seen an Insurance Agent go out of business? Noooo! They can’t! Their profits are guaranteed by their magic actuarial tables! Their profit is assured! But that’s not enough for Mister Fancy Suit Dicky, is it? Nooo! He done scammed his employer and run off with your money! I challenge you to find the insurance company in town! They closed it! They bundled up your hard-earned premium money, and Mr. Fancy Suit is spending it on booze and probably even worse!

Mark my words, if that man becomes Mayor, he will scam your rent money and your taxes and all of my graft that comes in from outside sources, and he will put it in his carpetbag, and back to the big city he will go. In the middle of the night! Don’t vote for little Dicky, vote for me, Henri Godenot, the Mayor you can talk to!

Henri Godenot is the mayor of New Toulouse.

Madam,

While I am delighted to see my fellow-citizens taking such an interest in politics, I have to question the suitability of certain of those who have put themselves forward as candidates. I find it even more shocking that they have some support in the community.

Mr Mondieu’s ability and capacity for hard work are surely in doubt, given the health problems he has suffered of late. I think we all know the cause of the problem, but this newspaper is hardly the place to indulge in speculation and idle gossip. I shall point out merely that Mr. Mondieu frequents the Green-Eyed Fairy to a point where I am considering charging him rent. As for Mr. Mains, he may well be “honest, upright and true” as an earlier correspondent claims, but does anyone know this gentleman? He seems to have arrived in town from who-knows-where, and there is little to be learned of his private life.

By contrast, Henri Godenot, the present incumbent, has a record that speaks for itself: improved roads and lighting, a ferry service, the beautification of the City Hall that has always been there, and other improvements.

Are we so quick to forget? Remembering the Mayor’s generosity, I urge you all to vote for Mayor Godenot and the Alliance Party.

Vote Godenot for the status quo!

Yours, etc.,
Francesca Alva

Madam Editor,

I am writing in response to Miss Jane Moreaux’s recent editorial speaking out against the candidacy of Mr. Jack Mondieu.

Aside from the fact that it seems in very poor form to allow your staff to use this paper as a forum to squabble in public, I couldn’t help but notice that Miss Moreaux seems to be the pot calling the kettle black. Yes, Mr. Mondieu has a drinking problem. This is New Toulouse—who doesn’t? But Miss Moreaux—whose windows are frequently shuttered and whose byline disappears for months at a time—is well known for her addiction to opium. Her neighbors know that she has gone away several times for “rest.” There have been multiple occasions where she has been too incapacitated to meet her obligations. Do you know how thick the smoke is at that bayou camp where she frequently finds Mr. Mondieu sleeping off a hangover in the shed? It seems quite hypocritical for her to condemn her colleague for a little booze.

And yes, I absolutely can imagine a Mayor Mondieu knowing how to handle a city in distress over too much rain—that is what his rhetoric about destroying the sun means, I am certain.

Moreover, I absolutely agree with Miss Moreaux that women in Louisiana should have the vote, but I object to the idea that no women in New Toulouse would vote for Mr. Mondieu. A woman employs him, after all.

Up until now, I haven’t helped Mr. Mondieu afford his new campaign headquarters—but I’m going to make a donation as soon as I drop this letter in the box.

VOTE MONDIEU
Bernard Savoy,
Concerned Citizen

My colleague, Mr. Jack Mondieu, has announced his candidacy for mayor. In response, my employer, the New Toulouse Tattler, is not endorsing a mayoral candidate this year, in order to avoid a conflict of interest. Out of journalistic integrity, I too will avoid endorsing a candidate.

But it is that same integrity that compels me to write this editorial imploring you not to vote for Jack Mondieu.

Lest I be accused of airing a workplace grievance in the guise of politics, I believe Mr. Mondieu is a talented writer, and although I sometimes disagree with his methods, his familiarity with the seedier side of our fair city is frequently an advantage to his investigative skills. Professionally, I have no real quarrel with Jack.

Neither is this a personal matter. After the incident several years ago when the Tattler threw a small holiday dinner for its staff, and he got drunk and attempted to smack me on the backside and I gave him a black eye, we have had a perfectly cordial relationship. In fact, if refraining from chasing Mr. Mondieu off of my bayou property when I find him sleeping in the shed because he got evicted again is any indication, I might go so far as to say we are friends.

No, this is strictly in regard to his qualifications for office. Jack is a disorganized, alcoholic disaster of a human being, in addition to being an utter cad. Unfortunately, Louisiana, unlike some other parts of the nation, does not (yet!) see the wisdom of women’s suffrage, so that alone may not disqualify him, much to my chagrin.

Does anyone really think that Mr. Mondieu believes he will actually “destroy the sun”? Surely it is obvious that this amusing euphemism simply means that he will be far too hungover to keep office hours during the daylight.

Imagine, if you will, next hurricane season, with a city in a state of emergency and (God forbid) a Mayor Mondieu. Will he be organizing rescues? Coordinating shelters? Organizing rations of food and water? Or will he be where he always is—flat on his back and three sheets to the wind?

Ordinarily, I would assume that Jack’s candidacy was a lark conceived over a few too many at Lafitte’s, but I have not found Jack sleeping in my shed in several weeks. This is because he is staying at his new campaign headquarters. Knowing what I know about Mr. Mondieu’s finances, I can only come to the alarming conclusion that his candidacy has supporters.

I understand that Jack has a blunt, crass charm, and the idea of him as mayor is amusing. But the joke will no longer be funny if the punchline is his election.

For the love of the city, for the love of all that’s holy, vote for someone else.

Jane Moreaux keeps all four eyes on New Toulouse.

Gentlemen—

We all know what’s wrong with City Hall. High taxes are siphoning off the money we intended to use in order to have fun. I ask you, what’s the use of being a Talooster if not for the fun?

Cast your vote for me, and I will lower your taxes and your rent. You’ll have more money to spend on the things that make New Toulouse great: booze, broads, and boudin.

Furthermore, if elected mayor, I vow to work toward the absolute and total destruction of that celestial body that is the bane of the drinking working classes: the Sun. Clearly this cannot be accomplished by a lone mayor, so look forward to my eventual candidacy for governor of Louisiana.

Together, my friends and neighbors, we can destroy the Sun. And a new day will dawn, sans solar oppression. Who needs the Sun, anyway? Plants. And plants don’t vote.

Jack Mondieu
Destroy the Sun Party
#5 Red Drum Place

(Note from the editor: Mr. Mondieu is an employee of our paper. To avoid a conflict of interest, we will not be endorsing a candidate in the race for mayor this year.)

Friends and Neighbors of New Toulouse—

Thank you for the support you have given me in my previous elections and in my office. I genuinely appreciate this support, and I look forward to enjoying this support in the future.

New Toulouse is a wonderful place. You make New Toulouse a wonderful place, and I want to continue being your Senator Mayor, to keep making New Toulouse a wonderful place.

I have a serious opponent this election cycle, and I’m not talking about our friend Jack Mondieu. Our fair city is under attack by the forces of evil in the Citizens’ League, and they want to change everything we know and love about our city.

You know these people—they’re dry, humorless, and stuck up! They probably have something wrong with their digestion, I don’t know. They just waltz on into our city, spouting unrealistic platitudes about “honest government” and “conscience.” Hell, that idiot wouldn’t know Conscience if she left her Gloryville crib and bit him on the buttock!
You know where to find sympathetic government in New Toulouse. It’s in City Hall, and as long as I’m in office, it always will be. Remember after the hurricane when those poor widows lost their homes? Who suspended their rent payments until they could rebuild? You did! Well, I did, but I used your money.

Do you remember when poor little Soto had to run around all dressed up, like a butterfly in a cage? Who figured out how to get her a nudity permit so she could be free and we could enjoy her beautiful assets? Well, I did that one, without any help!

Who dug the old Rooster out of the swamp and restored him to his cocky place of glory in the Square? Well, Niki and Fran, actually, but they work for me, so I’m taking credit. Hell, the other guy would probably rather have a stiff-necked old man on that pedestal.

And as for Mr. Teufelsdröckh’s letter:

Who decided not to sterilize the Bayou of Zombies? That was me. It’s not their fault that people decided to build homes over that old graveyard. And they didn’t choose to be Zombies, they just ended up that way. We need to let them shamble, because they are our ancestors!

Who keeps municipal assistance out of the Bayou? Me again. I keep the revenuers out of there too, along with the other agents who want to shut down drinking and gambling and bootlegging, too. We’re talking jobs for our friends and neighbors here, this is important stuff.

Our city is not dry and colorless. We are living, eating, drinking, breathing, sinning friends and neighbors here, and we know how to live without the help of any desiccated old prunes telling us how to run our city.

I would like your vote this election day. Send me back to City Hall, and I’ll keep New Toulouse the fun place that you and your neighbors love.

—Henri Godenot

Dear Editor,

I normally disregard what passes for news in this rag, but I must respond to the fearful, calumnious, and cowardly dreck recently printed under the name of a “concerned neighbor.” Calling folks who have eyes to see and ears to hear “bad” is probably normal and polite talk in the pearl-polishing parlors of the New Toulouse elite, but it’s attitudes as such that have the average citizen pining for change.

Please explain to me how it’s bad to want to raise your children in the bayou without fearing zombies (many of whom I suspect ain’t even native to Louisiana) sucking their brains clean out? Please explain to me why bayou dwellers and lower class citizens in the city are the last to see any municipal assistance when the waters rise? I guess all of that vaunted “calm guidance” is for folks who can afford to be guided.

To address the personal slander against Mr. Mains, as my Daddy (and his Daddy before him) used to say: that dog won’t hunt. Mr. Mains is honest to a fault; his only mistake was to get himself involved in that devil-black insurance business in the first place. Now, of course Mr. Mains’ valiant attempt to clean up a dirty company would disturb the likes of Mr. Godenot and his boot-licking cronies—discouraging honest behavior is the only consistent party plank of the Regular Alliance.

In sum, all this hogwash about the current mayor being good people from a “fine family” makes me wonder if “concerned neighbor” might not be the mayor’s mamma. To be fair, if I was kin to a man this inept and crooked I’d be concerned too.

It seems plain as day that “Monsieur” Godenot ain’t good enough and that’s why we need a fellow like Richard Mains to make what’s crooked straight. I’d appeal to the plain folks of New Toulouse to vote their conscience and true interests. It’s the only way to assure we purge ourselves of the zombies in the Bayou and City Hall.

Sincerely,

Diogenes F. Teufelsdröckh
La Vie Bayou #4
New Toulouse, USA