New Toulouse

Will Prohibition win?

The Research Department of the Board of Temperance, Washington, D. C., is using every effort to collect every data they can and are spending enormous sums of money to bring forcefully to the attention of Congress, the greatest abuse from the results of consumption of intoxicating liquors and that their efforts are meeting with success will shortly be shown by the vote when the new bill comes up before our law makers.

Our little town furnished an incident on Christmas Eve that could be used by the Research Department as an object lesson over which some of our represntatives in Congress might ponder. Just about the time the people were going into the Catholic Church to attend the Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve, a young boy at the corner apparently from fourteen to sixteen years old, was so intoxicated that he was extremely boisterous, using profain and insulting language and as he staggered about the streets, he was a pitiful sight for those who had better training and were going to church at that time to pray for their souls and the souls of others. This poor boy was not altogether to blame. Perhaps a good mother has been trying to bring him up in the right path, but the real guilty one is the person who either gave or sold him the intoxicant, and they should be punished to the extreme. This incident is one of the many thousands that are making sure that National Prohibition will come within the next few years.

Mrs. John Desboulets
New Toulouse

Madam Editor,

I am writing in response to Miss Jane Moreaux’s recent editorial speaking out against the candidacy of Mr. Jack Mondieu.

Aside from the fact that it seems in very poor form to allow your staff to use this paper as a forum to squabble in public, I couldn’t help but notice that Miss Moreaux seems to be the pot calling the kettle black. Yes, Mr. Mondieu has a drinking problem. This is New Toulouse—who doesn’t? But Miss Moreaux—whose windows are frequently shuttered and whose byline disappears for months at a time—is well known for her addiction to opium. Her neighbors know that she has gone away several times for “rest.” There have been multiple occasions where she has been too incapacitated to meet her obligations. Do you know how thick the smoke is at that bayou camp where she frequently finds Mr. Mondieu sleeping off a hangover in the shed? It seems quite hypocritical for her to condemn her colleague for a little booze.

And yes, I absolutely can imagine a Mayor Mondieu knowing how to handle a city in distress over too much rain—that is what his rhetoric about destroying the sun means, I am certain.

Moreover, I absolutely agree with Miss Moreaux that women in Louisiana should have the vote, but I object to the idea that no women in New Toulouse would vote for Mr. Mondieu. A woman employs him, after all.

Up until now, I haven’t helped Mr. Mondieu afford his new campaign headquarters—but I’m going to make a donation as soon as I drop this letter in the box.

VOTE MONDIEU
Bernard Savoy,
Concerned Citizen

FROM THE EDITOR’S DESK

The Tattler printing press is beset with a post-flood infestation of large snails, and the print room staff are busy round the clock refilling dishes with beer. The snails seem to have an unusually high tolerance for alcohol, and we may need to resort to spirits—send supplies if you can!

This special broadsheet edition of the Tattler was made possible by Mr. Lawrence James of James Ads & Signs, who very kindly donated the use of his own press.

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CLASSIFIEDS

FOR SALE—20 art canvases with muddled and vague images on them. First and final sale, from the just opened, and now closed, “Plein Air Watercolor Gallery of New Toulouse.” Author offers this wisdom, hard earned: read the weather report *before* starting a new venture. Signed, Washed Out.

LOST—Beloved pet crawfish, answers to “Jimbo,” very affectionate. Contact Gigi Lapin c/o Tattler.

LOST—Grandpa Moonbeam, in an oak casket with brass handles, last seen headed NE. Buy him a drink and send him home if found.

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LETTERS

Dear Sir,

Now that you’ve cleaned up the flood, I’m wondering when the blight will be cleared. 

a) tree branches around town
b) roof off the travel agency – not that I have ever liked the travel agency much. Too many weeds!!
c) fatheads and grass shrimp still squirming around in the cemetery
d) general mildew smell

Please provide an update on these items as soon as possible.

Miss Penny
A Visitor

Dear Sirs,

Please provide our criteria of what fits into the “weed” family. 

Also, please provide a ledger sheet with New Toulouse’s tourist revenue and GNP (I know we’re not a nation, but whatever the equivalent would be). I need to know these things right away.

And I am in the market for a cheap backhoe.

Thanks,

RMarie Beedit
A Denizen

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ASK MISS GALA

By Galatea Monday

The storm washed up all sorts of unexpected visitors in New Toulouse, but one of the most mouthwatering and terrifying was certainly the kraken! So for those of you who were lucky enough to cut a piece of this monster for your own, here are some recipes for your dining pleasure.

GARLIC & MAYO CALAMARI
10 oz. peanut oil (or other oil with a high smoke point!)
1 lb. squid (tubes and tentacles)
2 tablespoons corn flour
4 tablespoons semolina
2 teaspoons Old Bay seasoning (or use 1 teaspoon salt & 1 teaspoon paprika)

For the garlic mayonnaise:
1/2 clove garlic (or more, if you love it; less, if you’re a vampire!)
3/4 cup mayonnaise

Heat the oil in a small saucepan, and cut the squid into half-inch rings. Put the cornflour, semolina, and seasoning into a plastic freezer bag. Add the squid rings and tentacles and toss to coat. When the oil is hot enough, fry the squid in small batches to get the best crunch. Fry until golden (fairly quick). Grate or crush the garlic into the mayonnaise, stir to mix, and then serve with the fried squid.

S&P CALAMARI
About 2 cups peanut oil (or other oil with a high smoke point), or enough to come about 1/2-inch up in a frying pan
2 tablespoons sea salt
2 tablespoons black peppercorns
1/3 cup corn flour
1 lb. baby squid (cut into rings, tentacles left unchopped)
Lemons (for to squeeze)

Put the oil in a frying pan over a high heat. Bruise the salt and peppercorns in a mortar and pestle, and combine this mixture in a freezer bag with the cornflour, adding the squid and tossing to coat well but not heavily. When the oil’s very hot, fry the squid in small batches, and cook each batch briefly until just crisp on the outside and still sweet and tender inside. Remove to plates lined with paper towels. After several seconds, remove the greasy towel, squeeze lemons over them, and eat them fast!

The New Toulouse Firehouse opened Saturday morning with an impromptu ribbon-cutting ceremony involving no ribbon and no ceremony. Presiding were Mayor Henri Godenot and Fire Chief Jimmeh Obolensky.

Casually flicking a cigar butt into the watch desk’s wastepaper basket, Chief Obolensky stated, “Our top priority at the firehouse is the safety and health of every resident. To avoid fires, we ask that all stills and alcoholic beverages be removed from homes and delivered directly to the firehouse. Alcoholic beverages are the main cause of fires, and we have a very secure and safe way of disposing of them. We thank you for your cooperation.”

Several citizens said that they felt safer now that the city has made the switch from a horse-drawn engine to a motorized one. Miss Kristine Jinx-Kristan asked, “Does this mean I can start playing with matches again?” to which Mayor Godenot replied, “Yes, but you can’t run with scissors until we get a clinic.”

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Gigi Lapin is a resident of New Toulouse Bayou and a connoisseur of fine carrots.