New Toulouse

My colleague, Mr. Jack Mondieu, has announced his candidacy for mayor. In response, my employer, the New Toulouse Tattler, is not endorsing a mayoral candidate this year, in order to avoid a conflict of interest. Out of journalistic integrity, I too will avoid endorsing a candidate.

But it is that same integrity that compels me to write this editorial imploring you not to vote for Jack Mondieu.

Lest I be accused of airing a workplace grievance in the guise of politics, I believe Mr. Mondieu is a talented writer, and although I sometimes disagree with his methods, his familiarity with the seedier side of our fair city is frequently an advantage to his investigative skills. Professionally, I have no real quarrel with Jack.

Neither is this a personal matter. After the incident several years ago when the Tattler threw a small holiday dinner for its staff, and he got drunk and attempted to smack me on the backside and I gave him a black eye, we have had a perfectly cordial relationship. In fact, if refraining from chasing Mr. Mondieu off of my bayou property when I find him sleeping in the shed because he got evicted again is any indication, I might go so far as to say we are friends.

No, this is strictly in regard to his qualifications for office. Jack is a disorganized, alcoholic disaster of a human being, in addition to being an utter cad. Unfortunately, Louisiana, unlike some other parts of the nation, does not (yet!) see the wisdom of women’s suffrage, so that alone may not disqualify him, much to my chagrin.

Does anyone really think that Mr. Mondieu believes he will actually “destroy the sun”? Surely it is obvious that this amusing euphemism simply means that he will be far too hungover to keep office hours during the daylight.

Imagine, if you will, next hurricane season, with a city in a state of emergency and (God forbid) a Mayor Mondieu. Will he be organizing rescues? Coordinating shelters? Organizing rations of food and water? Or will he be where he always is—flat on his back and three sheets to the wind?

Ordinarily, I would assume that Jack’s candidacy was a lark conceived over a few too many at Lafitte’s, but I have not found Jack sleeping in my shed in several weeks. This is because he is staying at his new campaign headquarters. Knowing what I know about Mr. Mondieu’s finances, I can only come to the alarming conclusion that his candidacy has supporters.

I understand that Jack has a blunt, crass charm, and the idea of him as mayor is amusing. But the joke will no longer be funny if the punchline is his election.

For the love of the city, for the love of all that’s holy, vote for someone else.

Jane Moreaux keeps all four eyes on New Toulouse.

Gentlemen—

We all know what’s wrong with City Hall. High taxes are siphoning off the money we intended to use in order to have fun. I ask you, what’s the use of being a Talooster if not for the fun?

Cast your vote for me, and I will lower your taxes and your rent. You’ll have more money to spend on the things that make New Toulouse great: booze, broads, and boudin.

Furthermore, if elected mayor, I vow to work toward the absolute and total destruction of that celestial body that is the bane of the drinking working classes: the Sun. Clearly this cannot be accomplished by a lone mayor, so look forward to my eventual candidacy for governor of Louisiana.

Together, my friends and neighbors, we can destroy the Sun. And a new day will dawn, sans solar oppression. Who needs the Sun, anyway? Plants. And plants don’t vote.

Jack Mondieu
Destroy the Sun Party
#5 Red Drum Place

(Note from the editor: Mr. Mondieu is an employee of our paper. To avoid a conflict of interest, we will not be endorsing a candidate in the race for mayor this year.)

Friends and Neighbors of New Toulouse—

Thank you for the support you have given me in my previous elections and in my office. I genuinely appreciate this support, and I look forward to enjoying this support in the future.

New Toulouse is a wonderful place. You make New Toulouse a wonderful place, and I want to continue being your Senator Mayor, to keep making New Toulouse a wonderful place.

I have a serious opponent this election cycle, and I’m not talking about our friend Jack Mondieu. Our fair city is under attack by the forces of evil in the Citizens’ League, and they want to change everything we know and love about our city.

You know these people—they’re dry, humorless, and stuck up! They probably have something wrong with their digestion, I don’t know. They just waltz on into our city, spouting unrealistic platitudes about “honest government” and “conscience.” Hell, that idiot wouldn’t know Conscience if she left her Gloryville crib and bit him on the buttock!
You know where to find sympathetic government in New Toulouse. It’s in City Hall, and as long as I’m in office, it always will be. Remember after the hurricane when those poor widows lost their homes? Who suspended their rent payments until they could rebuild? You did! Well, I did, but I used your money.

Do you remember when poor little Soto had to run around all dressed up, like a butterfly in a cage? Who figured out how to get her a nudity permit so she could be free and we could enjoy her beautiful assets? Well, I did that one, without any help!

Who dug the old Rooster out of the swamp and restored him to his cocky place of glory in the Square? Well, Niki and Fran, actually, but they work for me, so I’m taking credit. Hell, the other guy would probably rather have a stiff-necked old man on that pedestal.

And as for Mr. Teufelsdröckh’s letter:

Who decided not to sterilize the Bayou of Zombies? That was me. It’s not their fault that people decided to build homes over that old graveyard. And they didn’t choose to be Zombies, they just ended up that way. We need to let them shamble, because they are our ancestors!

Who keeps municipal assistance out of the Bayou? Me again. I keep the revenuers out of there too, along with the other agents who want to shut down drinking and gambling and bootlegging, too. We’re talking jobs for our friends and neighbors here, this is important stuff.

Our city is not dry and colorless. We are living, eating, drinking, breathing, sinning friends and neighbors here, and we know how to live without the help of any desiccated old prunes telling us how to run our city.

I would like your vote this election day. Send me back to City Hall, and I’ll keep New Toulouse the fun place that you and your neighbors love.

—Henri Godenot

Dear Editor,

I normally disregard what passes for news in this rag, but I must respond to the fearful, calumnious, and cowardly dreck recently printed under the name of a “concerned neighbor.” Calling folks who have eyes to see and ears to hear “bad” is probably normal and polite talk in the pearl-polishing parlors of the New Toulouse elite, but it’s attitudes as such that have the average citizen pining for change.

Please explain to me how it’s bad to want to raise your children in the bayou without fearing zombies (many of whom I suspect ain’t even native to Louisiana) sucking their brains clean out? Please explain to me why bayou dwellers and lower class citizens in the city are the last to see any municipal assistance when the waters rise? I guess all of that vaunted “calm guidance” is for folks who can afford to be guided.

To address the personal slander against Mr. Mains, as my Daddy (and his Daddy before him) used to say: that dog won’t hunt. Mr. Mains is honest to a fault; his only mistake was to get himself involved in that devil-black insurance business in the first place. Now, of course Mr. Mains’ valiant attempt to clean up a dirty company would disturb the likes of Mr. Godenot and his boot-licking cronies—discouraging honest behavior is the only consistent party plank of the Regular Alliance.

In sum, all this hogwash about the current mayor being good people from a “fine family” makes me wonder if “concerned neighbor” might not be the mayor’s mamma. To be fair, if I was kin to a man this inept and crooked I’d be concerned too.

It seems plain as day that “Monsieur” Godenot ain’t good enough and that’s why we need a fellow like Richard Mains to make what’s crooked straight. I’d appeal to the plain folks of New Toulouse to vote their conscience and true interests. It’s the only way to assure we purge ourselves of the zombies in the Bayou and City Hall.

Sincerely,

Diogenes F. Teufelsdröckh
La Vie Bayou #4
New Toulouse, USA

Dear Friends and Neighbors—

A letter recently published announced the candidacy of a bad man and a bad party for the Mayoral race of New Toulouse. This man, Mains, you recognize as your insurance agent. Except he isn’t your insurance agent anymore, his company has fired him for his unprofessional behavior. And now this man wants to run for Mayor, so he can get his hands on your taxes.

Resist the urge to vote for the new shiny candidate, remain faithful to the wise leader we have enjoyed for all these many years. Keep Henri Godenot in office.

Monsieur Godenot is a good man, from a fine family. He knows and understands New Toulouse as few others do. His wise leadership and calm guidance have seen us through many storms and travails, and will continue to do so. Please vote for Henri Godenot and the Regular Alliance Organization for Mayor.

Your Concerned Neighbor

Dear Sirs—

The time has come for a new day in New Toulouse, a day without shame, or ignominy, or fear. For as long as anyone can remember, a member of the Regular Alliance Organization has held power in our fair city, and the corruption and graft have only increased, year after year.

We need more efficient and honest administration of public affairs. We need fair and honest expenditure of our taxes, a better public school system, and clean and dry streets. We need a larger, more honest police force. Most of all, we need to eliminate from the city payrolls the political loafers who draw salaries for which they do not work, thus depriving honest men of the opportunity to earn an honest living.

Our candidate for mayor is Richard Mains, a friend and neighbor, well known in our town. Richard is honest, upright, and true, and he will serve us well as our new mayor.

This election day can be a new day for New Toulouse, a day with a brighter future! Vote for Richard Mains!

Agricola Fusilier,
on behalf of the
New Toulouse Citizens’ League
26 Basin Street