New Toulouse

Washington.—To aid in counteracting an increasing use of heroin throughout the country, all physicians of the federal public health service have been ordered not to dispense the drug hereafter for any purpose and to return immediately to the headquarters of the service here any quantities of it they have on hand. In announcing the step public health officials expressed hope that the example set by the service would have a wide influence among general practitioners.

On Tuesday evening the New Toulouse Department of Health barred Urchin Food Franchyzez [sic] from operating in the city. A recent letter to the editor of this newspaper alerted city officials to a possible health hazard, and the New Toulouse Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals lodged a strongly worded complaint against the French Market food vendor. The city imposed a fine upon Urchin Food Franchyzez, whereupon the sole known operator disappeared from town, with the fine still unpaid.

The mayor’s office issued the following statement: “Based on resident complaints we dispatched an almost human squad to remove the nasty food stall. All food served in the market will be subjected to a cleanliness and taste test, and unsuitable food vendors will be thrown in the canal.”

Gigi Lapin is a resident of New Toulouse Bayou and an aficionado of the finest carrots.