New Toulouse

FROM THE EDITOR’S DESK

The Tattler printing press is beset with a post-flood infestation of large snails, and the print room staff are busy round the clock refilling dishes with beer. The snails seem to have an unusually high tolerance for alcohol, and we may need to resort to spirits—send supplies if you can!

This special broadsheet edition of the Tattler was made possible by Mr. Lawrence James of James Ads & Signs, who very kindly donated the use of his own press.

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CLASSIFIEDS

FOR SALE—20 art canvases with muddled and vague images on them. First and final sale, from the just opened, and now closed, “Plein Air Watercolor Gallery of New Toulouse.” Author offers this wisdom, hard earned: read the weather report *before* starting a new venture. Signed, Washed Out.

LOST—Beloved pet crawfish, answers to “Jimbo,” very affectionate. Contact Gigi Lapin c/o Tattler.

LOST—Grandpa Moonbeam, in an oak casket with brass handles, last seen headed NE. Buy him a drink and send him home if found.

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LETTERS

Dear Sir,

Now that you’ve cleaned up the flood, I’m wondering when the blight will be cleared. 

a) tree branches around town
b) roof off the travel agency – not that I have ever liked the travel agency much. Too many weeds!!
c) fatheads and grass shrimp still squirming around in the cemetery
d) general mildew smell

Please provide an update on these items as soon as possible.

Miss Penny
A Visitor

Dear Sirs,

Please provide our criteria of what fits into the “weed” family. 

Also, please provide a ledger sheet with New Toulouse’s tourist revenue and GNP (I know we’re not a nation, but whatever the equivalent would be). I need to know these things right away.

And I am in the market for a cheap backhoe.

Thanks,

RMarie Beedit
A Denizen

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ASK MISS GALA

By Galatea Monday

The storm washed up all sorts of unexpected visitors in New Toulouse, but one of the most mouthwatering and terrifying was certainly the kraken! So for those of you who were lucky enough to cut a piece of this monster for your own, here are some recipes for your dining pleasure.

GARLIC & MAYO CALAMARI
10 oz. peanut oil (or other oil with a high smoke point!)
1 lb. squid (tubes and tentacles)
2 tablespoons corn flour
4 tablespoons semolina
2 teaspoons Old Bay seasoning (or use 1 teaspoon salt & 1 teaspoon paprika)

For the garlic mayonnaise:
1/2 clove garlic (or more, if you love it; less, if you’re a vampire!)
3/4 cup mayonnaise

Heat the oil in a small saucepan, and cut the squid into half-inch rings. Put the cornflour, semolina, and seasoning into a plastic freezer bag. Add the squid rings and tentacles and toss to coat. When the oil is hot enough, fry the squid in small batches to get the best crunch. Fry until golden (fairly quick). Grate or crush the garlic into the mayonnaise, stir to mix, and then serve with the fried squid.

S&P CALAMARI
About 2 cups peanut oil (or other oil with a high smoke point), or enough to come about 1/2-inch up in a frying pan
2 tablespoons sea salt
2 tablespoons black peppercorns
1/3 cup corn flour
1 lb. baby squid (cut into rings, tentacles left unchopped)
Lemons (for to squeeze)

Put the oil in a frying pan over a high heat. Bruise the salt and peppercorns in a mortar and pestle, and combine this mixture in a freezer bag with the cornflour, adding the squid and tossing to coat well but not heavily. When the oil’s very hot, fry the squid in small batches, and cook each batch briefly until just crisp on the outside and still sweet and tender inside. Remove to plates lined with paper towels. After several seconds, remove the greasy towel, squeeze lemons over them, and eat them fast!

Dear Miz Beedit,
 
I have finally taken the plunge and moved out of the proverbial parents’ basement to make it on my own in the world. This means that now I’m entirely responsible for stuffing my own craw full of presumably nourishing things. Do you have a good recipe for a new bachelorette?
 
Miz Soto

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Miss Hax,

Congratulations upon your foray into independence, rent checks, utilities, and foraging for the ever-evasive home-cooked meal. 

Of course the first thing that comes to mind isn’t the utilitarian craw-stuffing material, but rather a dish to elevate the senses for comparably few pennies. If you’re clever—and I know that you are—you’ll only dirty one pan. Your guests will look on in curiosity as you stir and pour by the stove with your primitive wooden spoon (I use my Italian grandmother’s). But when you serve this pile of heaven, conversation will lapse as their mouths revel in your awesomeness. Not a euphemism.

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Mushroom Risotto

Thanks to Biba Caggiano for inspiring this recipe. Her book Trattoria is great.

5 oz. (or more) fresh wild mushrooms, chopped (porcini, chantrelles, portobello, etc.)
Olive oil
Garlic
1/2 cup dry white wine
Salt
Pepper
3 tablespoons butter (vegans, substitute another fat)
2 small onions, finely chopped
2 cups Arborio rice
1 cup dry white wine
6 cups chicken or veggie stock
Parsley

Heat the olive oil in a medium frying pan until it smokes, and sauté the mushrooms for 3–5 minutes, until golden.

Toss in some chopped garlic and 1/2 cup or more of dry white wine. Let the wine almost reduce, season with salt and lots of pepper, and set aside.

Melt the butter in a large skillet and toss in the onion; sauté till translucent. Add the Arborio rice and stir to coat with butter.

Add the wine, and stir the rice with a wooden spoon until the wine is almost absorbed.

Turn the heat under the risotto to medium and continue to stir it, adding about 3/4 cup of stock at a time—6 cups of stock in all. (I also add water from soaking dried mushrooms, which makes the mushroom flavor very rich.)

When most of the stock is absorbed and the risotto is soft but not gummy (it’s almost chewy, like there’s still a tiny, hard granule inside the individual grains), add the mushrooms and some chopped fresh parsley, and stir the risotto well.

Garnish with more parsley when serving. Enjoy! 

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Miss Beedit recently inherited a breezy old shotgun house in New Toulouse. She welcomes trespassers and can predict your future.

Today we examine an essential universal question. Personally, I ask it at least three times a week, maybe more. And I bet it comes up for you too as part of your natural human condition, like when you wonder about the afterlife at unexpected times. The question is, “Who doesn’t like goats?”

I recently came into possession of some goat milk yogurt. “Came into possession” may be a bit of a stretch; I spent my own hard-earned money on it. Having no beef against cows, I suppose I had some propaganda in my head about goat cheese being fantastically good for you. And anyway, who doesn’t like crostini broiled with a little goat cheese, laid out so nicely atop micro-greens and then drizzled with lemon vinaigrette? And who doesn’t like goats?

So I thought, this yogurt is made from goats. It has to be great, like yogurt on steroids! And it was indeed powerful: it was like putting a bunch of grass in your mouth when you were expecting blueberries.

So there it sat, looking at me every time I opened the icebox. I needed to force myself not to waste it.

Miss Kari suggested a Jordanian national dish called mansaf. But mansaf is all about huge chunks of melt-in-your-mouth, beautifully spiced lamb. Lambs are cute, and they taste good too, but being a hurried vegetarian, I just haven’t had time to drum up a variation. I haven’t given up though, Miss Kari.

So, thus ensued this simple yet delicious recipe. It’s not vegan this time. Because goat.

Greek Tomato Yogurt Soup
Adapted from Cooking for Health, by the Moosewood Restaurant, and the Wishful Chef

Makes about 6 one-cup servings

2 tablespoons olive oil
1 cup chopped onion
2 garlic cloves, minced or chopped
1 28-ounce can diced tomatoes
2 sun-dried tomatoes
1 1/2 cups vegetable broth
Generous dash ground black pepper
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon dried thyme (or 1 1/2 teaspoons fresh)
1 tablespoon honey
1 cup goat milk yogurt

Heat a large pot on medium. Add the chopped onion and garlic and cook for 5 minutes, until soft. Add the tomatoes and cook down for 8-10 minutes.

Add the vegetable broth, sun-dried tomatoes, thyme, and honey. Bring to a boil, then simmer for about 15 minutes. Allow to cool.

Using a hand blender, puree the soup until nice and creamy. Season with salt and pepper, then mix in yogurt. Serve hot or cold.

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Miss Beedit recently inherited a breezy old shotgun house in New Toulouse. She welcomes trespassers and can predict your future.

Now and again on an especially balmy night, we indulge in wistful thoughts of the old Sugar Mill out there in Bayou. So many memories, but sometimes memories are even better without soaked feet.

Back then, everyone thought it was such a good idea to “modernize.” “Oh yes, doll, you can throw parties here in the swamp—everyone will slog over in their finery.” But to citify a sugar mill in a swamp is akin to revamping a tallow buggy floating in tapioca. If you think bringing plaster to a swamp is a good idea, I have some sixty-pound yoga balls to sell you.

In desperate social measures you’d row over to the city with your nice shoes stowed in your satchel for last-minute burnishing on dry land. The ladies would be waiting at some gazebo or another, filled with birdsong and chatter. If we were all lucky, the pralines would have survived the trip, not melting, getting too greasy, or mysteriously disappearing.

These are especially good because the nutritional value might balance out the sugar. (Like Pazzo once said while floating through town in his merman costume, “My trident offsets my tiara.”)

Vegan Salted Caramel Pralines

2 cups whole pecans
1 cup almond butter
1 1/4 cups pure maple syrup (use half this amount for a less gooey, more savory praline—it tastes fine)
3/4 cup solid coconut oil
2 tablespoons vanilla extract
2 teaspoons cinnamon
3/4 teaspoon kosher salt

Lay out the pecans in a single layer on a cookie sheet. Toast them in a 350°F oven for 10 minutes. Keep an eye on those pecans! They can burn quickly.

Put all ingredients for the salted caramel into a food processor or a high-speed blender. Blend on high for approximately 2 minutes, scraping down the sides periodically. (Blending this long will create a somewhat sticky, caramel-like sauce). You must beat the caramel for at least two minutes. If all you have is a bowl and a wooden spoon, your mileage may vary.

So now you have your nice caramel, and to that you want to add your pecans. Stir it all together or mash it with your hands.

Lay the resulting blobs on waxed paper—you want about two tablespoons each or maybe eight nuts’ worth, in a fairly compact disk.

Chill the pralines overnight in an airtight container between the sheets of waxed paper.

They are tasty!

Caramel sauce adapted from bakerbettie.com.

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Once a Bayou bait shop owner serving the best leeches and pie, these days Miss RMarie Beedit can be found in the St. Louis Cemetery, looking for night crawlers and shiny pennies.

King Carrot Cake pour Gigi

One of my favorite activities is walking on the railroad tracks in Bayou. There’s something about those rutted industrial tracks raised above the wilds, the shimmering canal, and the ancient trees beside those humble, rickety old ties. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen anybody maintaining those tracks in almost forty cat years. And if you’re wondering, I’m anything but a cat.

I’m closer to a rabbit, I guess, but only by virtue of my relationship with our neighbor Miss Lapin. Speaking of whom, I’ve been seriously worried about her over the past few weeks. Ever since the publication of a certain vegan fettuccine recipe, that rabbit seems to be suffering a nutritional deficiency due to a diet consisting almost solely of alligator pears.

Of course, aside from being concerned about her well-being and girth, I’m also feeling a bit responsible. After all, not everyone has common sense when it comes to sound nutrition, plus rabbits are delicate creatures; too many sweets, and they’re down for the count. Too much fat, and they look more like hedgehogs than hares.

So I consider it my duty to influence a change in regimen, and what better time to do it than just before Mardi Gras?

Please note: this recipe is not only vegan, but it also glutenless, since I can’t bear to use or hear the term “gluten-free” again. AAAAGH.

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Glazed Carrot KING CAKE
(adapted from a recipe on theveganscreen.blogspot.com)

1 cup oats
1 1/2 cups buckwheat flour
1 1/2 cups date sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
2 teaspoons baking powder
2 1/2 teaspoons cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
1/3 cup cooked and peeled sweet potato
1 cup vanilla soy milk or vanilla almond milk
3/4 cup olive oil
1 cup water
1 cup grated carrot
1/2 cup currants or raisins (optional)
2/3 cup chopped walnuts (optional)
1 baby

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Grease a regular-sized bundt pan and set aside.

In a food processor, grind the oats into a fine meal. Transfer the oats to a large mixing bowl, and set the food processor aside. Add the buckwheat flour, date sugar, salt, baking soda, baking powder, cinnamon, and nutmeg to the bowl, and stir until combined. In the food processor, add the sweet potato and “milk”; combine until smooth, and add it to the dry ingredients, along with the olive oil and water. Fold in the carrot, and stir until the batter is combined. Fold in the raisins and walnuts. Transfer the mixture to the bundt pan, and smooth out the batter with the back of a spoon. Bake the cake for approximately 35 minutes, or until a knife or toothpick comes out clean. Cool the cake in the pan for about 30 minutes, then carefully flip the cake out onto a plate. Allow it to cool for about an hour.

Tuck the baby into the cake so that it is hidden.

For the glaze, combine:

2 cups powdered sugar
1/4 cup refined coconut oil
2 tablespoons non-dairy milk
1 pinch salt

Split the glaze into thirds, and add a drop of purple, green, or yellow food coloring to the individual portions. Drizzle the glaze over the cake, and cover the cake until ready to serve; refrigerate any leftovers.

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Once a Bayou bait shop owner serving the best leeches and pie, these days Miss RMarie Beedit can be found in the St. Louis Cemetery, looking for night crawlers and shiny pennies.

The Delectable Alligator Pear

Dear Miss Beedit,

As a rabbit in the bayou, normally I forage for grasses, leaves, bark, twigs, nuts, and berries, but I’m getting tired of salad. I have access to a kitchen and the market. Do you have any suggestions for delicious vegetarian meals that are easy to make?

Respectfully,

Sugar N. Spice

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Dear Sugar N. Spice,

Thank you for your inquiry. A perennial problem among herbivores is indeed this: sometimes no matter what you conjure up for dinner, you feel like you’re eating salad.

Although, as a rabbit, this might not sit well with your gustatorial makeup, I’m going to recommend you try a couple of cooked things. Different textures can really create a sense of diversity in one’s diet!

These recipes feature the smooth, rich, sublime avocado, also known as the alligator pear. Possibly exotic for the bayou, but oh, so delicious, the avocado has a non-aggressive flavor, with a faintly nutty aftertaste. But oh, the texture! Rich, buttery, and smooth, you can use a nice ripe avocado in place of traditional fats to excellent effect.

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Fettuccine Guacamole

Domesticated bunnies probably eat food that has some gluten filler in it, so the wheat in the pasta ought to be okay for you. Try to use fresh pasta—its texture goes really well with the avocado. Add some crunchy walnuts to round off the flavors and textures.

1 avocado
Juice of 1 lemon
Zest of 1 lemon
1 clove garlic
2 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
1/2 cup walnuts, ground or chopped
1 12–16 oz package fresh fettuccine

Put the avocado, garlic, lemon juice, and olive oil in a food processor. Process until smooth.

Boil 2 quarts of water in a pasta pot. Add about a teaspoon of salt to the water.

While the water is heating, gently toast the ground walnuts in a pan.

Boil the pasta for about 3 minutes, until tender. This is fresh pasta, so it shouldn’t take long.

Drain the pasta, and put it into a large bowl or back into the pot. Add the avocado mixture until all of the noodles are coated.

Place the pasta in bowls and top with the lemon zest and ground walnuts.

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Kale Salad with Avocado, Lemon, and Sunflower Seeds

Here’s one that will keep your bunny cheeks working happily for hours. Yes, it’s salad-like, but again that decadent avocado somehow takes you beyond mere roughage, into a world of richness and wonder.

About 4 large kale leaves (enough for 4 loose cups of chopped leaves)
1 ripe avocado
1 lemon
1/3 cup sunflower seeds, raw, no shell
Salt and pepper

Remove the stems from the kale leaves. You can usually just do this with your hands. Then chop the kale into 1/2-inch pieces.

Remove the avocado seed and peel, and cut the avocado into 1/2-inch cubes. Place in a medium-sized mixing bowl. Squeeze the lemon on the avocado, and mash it with a fork. Add salt.

Add the kale leaves to the mixing bowl and toss with the avocado. You can let this refrigerate for a while—up to 2 hours.

When ready to serve, sprinkle the salad with raw sunflower seeds. The kale will still be crisp, but it will have a very rich texture mixed with the avocado and lemon.

Croutons are nice with this too.

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Croutons

Seedy whole-grain baguette, sliced
Olive oil
Sea salt
Garlic, if desired

Brush baguette slices with olive oil and sprinkle with sea salt. Gently toast in a cast-iron pan on top of the stove. Serve warm croutons nestled alongside your kale/avocado salad.

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Once a Bayou bait shop owner serving the best leeches and pie, these days Miss RMarie Beedit can be found in the St. Louis Cemetery, looking for night crawlers and shiny pennies.

Shrimp-Stuffed Mushrooms

This snack is a true delicacy, especially since mushrooms are recently so hard to come by.

Make sure to use brown mushrooms for this dish. As you know, certain types of mushroom are highly toxic, and unless you are an expert at knowing which of the more exotic fungi can be eaten, steer clear! Recently, a lot of mushroom hunters have been seen with bags full of glowing green mushrooms. While we’ve heard reports of these being safe to eat, observe the above tenet if you really want to be safe.

12 medium or large mushrooms
1/2 lb. bay shrimp, cooked and diced (not the big shrimp with the tentacles out in Bayou)
1/4 cup mayonnaise
2 to 4 cloves garlic
1/3 cup chopped onion
Italian parsley
2/3 cup fresh, soft breadcrumbs
1 tablespoon grated lemon zest
2 teaspoons lemon juice
salt and pepper
Tabasco (optional)

Examine the mushrooms for signs of glow. Remove the stems and set aside. Clean the mushrooms with a proper mushroom brush to remove all dirt and sediment. We all know where those things like to grow!

Lightly brush them with olive oil and place them cap-down in a 9×13 baking dish.

Sauté the garlic and onion in 1 tablespoon oil for about 5 minutes, until golden.

Put breadcrumbs, lemon zest, parsley, and mayonnaise into a medium-sized bowl and mix in the shrimp and the garlic/onion mixture. Salt and pepper to taste. Add a dash of Tabasco if desired!

Heap the breadcrumb mixture into the mushroom caps until all are full. It’s okay if some spills over. After baking, this makes tasty browned crumbles to spoon on top of the stuffed mushrooms.

Bake the stuffed mushrooms at 350°F for 25-30 minutes, until cooked through and golden.

Examine the mushrooms again for glow. Place on a platter as hors d’oeuvres, or put a few atop salad greens with a drizzle of lemon dressing as a main dish.

Should you start to feel strange powers or notice glow after your shrimp-stuffed mushrooms, do not swim in the river. Leave town immediately, and go to the doctor in Houston or San Francisco.

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Once a Bayou bait shop owner serving the best leeches and pie, these days Miss RMarie Beedit can be found in the St. Louis Cemetery, looking for night crawlers and shiny pennies.