Posts Tagged ‘kraken’

Mayor’s task force unrelated to kraken

by on Friday, November 6th, 2015

no-such-thing266x400The Mayor’s Office once again reminds the people of New Toulouse that kraken do not exist, especially not air-kraken. Neither does the mayor’s new special task force have anything to do with the accidental release of air-kraken hatchlings all over the parish.

“It certainly has nothing at all to do with kraken,” Mayor Godenot said with a chuckle. “We all know they don’t even exist.”

Civic-minded persons who would like to be part of the task force (which we have been assured is completely unrelated to any nonexistent creature) should apply at the upper floor of City Hall, just outside the back room that doesn’t contain the municipal False Memory Generator.


Gigi Lapin is a member of New Toulouse’s Tiny Social Aid & Pleasure Club, #1 Red Drum Place.

Everyone’s in Krewe Bayou

by on Sunday, February 1st, 2015

Revelers who worried whether the previous week’s rainstorms would spoil the madcap Krewe Bayou parade were elated to see beautiful blue skies yesterday morning. Had they looked in at the French Market, they would have seen a curious group assembling. The parade this year had beautiful and fabulously dressed marchers, fire twirlers, a horse-drawn carriage, monsters, fairies, and maidens on horseback. And the band was not just a marching brass band; it was a marching steel and chrome and brass and glass band, with strange music-making mechanical creatures and monsters bearing drums.
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The maskers wound their way through the streets of the city, screaming and hooting and making a wonderful clamor. Parade watchers were showered with throws, and many would run ahead to see the parade go by again. The parade band could be heard all over the city, occasionally punctuated by the call and response, “Who is in Krewe Bayou?” “Everyone’s in Krewe Bayou!”

After the parade, everyone made their way to Laveau Square, where they made merry through the night. The party broke up with the dawn, and the revelers went home in a joyous haze, wondering what they had seen. The rumors one hears of kraken-based explosions and miraculous sheep must be discounted by the sober citizen.

Miss Shannon Spoonhunter’s photos of the event: Krewe Bayou Parade!


Fenimore T. Abramoff was nearly brained by a Krewe Bayou throw and is still reluctant to look inside the bucket.

Overheard

by on Tuesday, January 20th, 2015

The Krewe Bayou rooftop ball, Gloryville, this past Sunday

NW: Well, there may or may not be actual kraken in the gumbo.
HG: And then there’s always the question, after you’ve fed five hundred people, what do you do with the rest of the kraken?
ZZ: Open a restaurant chain selling kraken-based products?

(Baby kraken friends are distributed.)
SH: Ooo. Octopus child. This is going to be hard to explain away.
KK: Thanks for taking them off my hands! They have been keeping me up all night!

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NW: 39-inch-tall Charles Sherwood was better known by what name?
FA: Lofty.

AT: Can’t believe how strong these buildings are, strong enough for twenty dancing people.
NW: Hey, this building has been through hurricanes, and the Fat Tony incident.
LV: Fat Tony?
AT: Oh, please tell.
NW: We must get on with the trivia, she said, covering for the fact that she just now made up Fat Tony.

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NW: What is a baby oyster called?
LV: Glen.

NW: What does a grabatologist collect?
LV: Crabs?
IT: Derrieres?
TF: Garbage.
SH: Perverts?
HP: Grabby hands!
FA: Tape recordings.
NW: All good answers, all completely wrong!
SH: Which one was less wrong?

Heady times in New Toulouse

by on Sunday, August 31st, 2014

It has been quiet in the City of late: the beloved Screaming Head which has long resided at the aptly named Severed Head public house has been silent. Wild rumors (unusual in New Toulouse) swept the city. Some suggested pirates from Winterfell or New Babbage. Others whispered darkly of sabotage and a sinister underground movement. The most chilling suggestion of all was that the Head had been lost in a Linden Rolling Restart.

It takes a lot to stir the average Talooster, especially after a heavy Friday night, but on Saturday, August 30, angry citizens finally took action and matters came to a head as a mob gathered outside the pub, demanding the return of this most iconic of artifacts.
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A certain amount of confusion reigned, especially among the gentlemen present, who seemed to think they were taking part in a Lonely Hearts gathering. Mr. Aodhan of New Toulouse Bayou, wearing a fetching red beret, mentioned that he can be contacted on NT-207 (call collect if necessary). Miss Frannie Alva, who had been partaking freely of liquid refreshments, seemed a little confused too, as she was exhorting everyone to “Save da [sic] Krakens.” A laudable sentiment indeed, but given Mayor Godenot’s assertion that krakens do not exist, somewhat pointless.

Miss Maggie Hawksby, in the spirit of true comradeship, said she was only there because she loved her fellow-citizens but that she had been “about ready to put the root on that head myself.”

Miz Niki had been present at the start of the rally but disappeared about halfway through. Her place was taken by a mysterious unknown woman who bore her an uncanny resemblance.

The assembled crowd was in high spirits when Miz Salome Starsmith, proprietress of the Severed Head and present guardian of the Screaming Head, announced that the Head had been found. In a short but moving ceremony Miz Salome drew aside a dirty tarpaulin and revealed the Head.

Taloosters have endured sleepless nights of worry. Now they can once again endure sleepless nights because of the screaming coming from the Severed Head. All is well in the Big Sleazy.


Caricia Wellesley is a native of Caledon. From time to time she breaks free of the constraints of Caledon life (and her corsets) and gets down and dirty in New Toulouse.

MOLLUSC EDITION

by on Thursday, August 7th, 2014

FROM THE EDITOR’S DESK

The Tattler printing press is beset with a post-flood infestation of large snails, and the print room staff are busy round the clock refilling dishes with beer. The snails seem to have an unusually high tolerance for alcohol, and we may need to resort to spirits—send supplies if you can!

Artist's rendition

Artist’s rendition

This special broadsheet edition of the Tattler was made possible by Mr. Lawrence James of James Ads & Signs, who very kindly donated the use of his own press.


CLASSIFIEDS

FOR SALE—20 art canvases with muddled and vague images on them. First and final sale, from the just opened, and now closed, “Plein Air Watercolor Gallery of New Toulouse.” Author offers this wisdom, hard earned: read the weather report *before* starting a new venture. Signed, Washed Out.

LOST—Beloved pet crawfish, answers to “Jimbo,” very affectionate. Contact Gigi Lapin c/o Tattler.

LOST—Grandpa Moonbeam, in an oak casket with brass handles, last seen headed NE. Buy him a drink and send him home if found.


LETTERS

Dear Sir,

Now that you’ve cleaned up the flood, I’m wondering when the blight will be cleared. 

a) tree branches around town
b) roof off the travel agency – not that I have ever liked the travel agency much. Too many weeds!!
c) fatheads and grass shrimp still squirming around in the cemetery
d) general mildew smell

Please provide an update on these items as soon as possible.

Miss Penny
A Visitor

Photo credit: Henri Godenot

Photo credit: Henri Godenot


Dear Sirs,

Please provide our criteria of what fits into the “weed” family. 

Also, please provide a ledger sheet with New Toulouse’s tourist revenue and GNP (I know we’re not a nation, but whatever the equivalent would be). I need to know these things right away.

And I am in the market for a cheap backhoe.

Thanks,

RMarie Beedit
A Denizen


ASK MISS GALA

By Galatea Monday

The storm washed up all sorts of unexpected visitors in New Toulouse, but one of the most mouthwatering and terrifying was certainly the kraken! So for those of you who were lucky enough to cut a piece of this monster for your own, here are some recipes for your dining pleasure.

GARLIC & MAYO CALAMARI
10 oz. peanut oil (or other oil with a high smoke point!)
1 lb. squid (tubes and tentacles)
2 tablespoons corn flour
4 tablespoons semolina
2 teaspoons Old Bay seasoning (or use 1 teaspoon salt & 1 teaspoon paprika)

For the garlic mayonnaise:
1/2 clove garlic (or more, if you love it; less, if you’re a vampire!)
3/4 cup mayonnaise

Heat the oil in a small saucepan, and cut the squid into half-inch rings. Put the cornflour, semolina, and seasoning into a plastic freezer bag. Add the squid rings and tentacles and toss to coat. When the oil is hot enough, fry the squid in small batches to get the best crunch. Fry until golden (fairly quick). Grate or crush the garlic into the mayonnaise, stir to mix, and then serve with the fried squid.

Image-that-is-certainly-not-a-photograph by Galatea Monday

Image-that-is-certainly-not-a-photograph by Galatea Monday


S&P CALAMARI
About 2 cups peanut oil (or other oil with a high smoke point), or enough to come about 1/2-inch up in a frying pan
2 tablespoons sea salt
2 tablespoons black peppercorns
1/3 cup corn flour
1 lb. baby squid (cut into rings, tentacles left unchopped)
Lemons (for to squeeze)

Put the oil in a frying pan over a high heat. Bruise the salt and peppercorns in a mortar and pestle, and combine this mixture in a freezer bag with the cornflour, adding the squid and tossing to coat well but not heavily. When the oil’s very hot, fry the squid in small batches, and cook each batch briefly until just crisp on the outside and still sweet and tender inside. Remove to plates lined with paper towels. After several seconds, remove the greasy towel, squeeze lemons over them, and eat them fast!

Founder’s Day

by on Tuesday, March 11th, 2014

Everyone knows kraken don’t exist, but New Toulouse was full of grateful citizens waving kraken-shaped balloons on Saturday during the annual Founder’s Day celebration.

Six years after Carricre Wind rezzed the first prim of what would become Lafitte’s Old Primsmith Bar, Taloosters gathered under Mayor Henri Godenot’s balcony. After a speech honoring Mama Cree and her successor, Gabrielle “Miz Gabi” Riel, His Honor leapt from the balcony into a tiny bucket of water to cheers from the impressed crowd.
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Then it was off to Lafitte’s, where Mayor Godenot paid the meter—a Founder’s Day tradition. (The bar, whose original structure has been replaced with a mesh build, was the first building in New Toulouse. )
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The revelry continued with a picnic in the square. Miss Francesca Alva’s cheery decorations included a portrait of Mama Cree, and the festive atmosphere was rounded out by a fantastic set by DJ Cadence Carolina.

Residents told stories about the community’s early days and strange roads that lead to New Toulouse; e.g., “I came here to buy a machete and ended up owning a bar and dance club.”
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More Founder’s Day photos can be found here: New Toulouse Founder’s Day on Flickr


Jane Moreaux is eternally grateful to the founders of our fair city and doesn’t believe in kraken, but can’t explain this.