New Toulouse

This emergency edition of the Tattler was made possible by Mr. Lawrence James of James Ads & Signs, who kindly donated the use of his own press, as ours is currently underwater.

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FREE BOURBON (AND SHELTER)
by Jack Mondieu (interim editor)

Hoping to help everyone “land on their feet,” the Krewe of Bast once again provide respite and shelter above the waterline at Spiegel Hall’s third-floor ballroom. Citizens and local rescued felines can wait out the flooding in relative comfort, with free hot coffee, food, bourbon, and cuddling. When asked about the location of Bast’s Nikita, krewe member Kristine replied, “Oh, she’ll turn up eventually, maybe a little skinnier but with plenty of lives left.”

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EDITOR MISSING
by Frances Lava

As dawn broke over a storm-ravaged New Toulouse today, its weary citizens were shocked to learn that one of the city’s most prominent residents, and editor of this paper, was missing. As posters went up all over town, the question on everyone’s lips was when the flood-damaged stock sale was starting. A few people were also wondering about Miz Niki.

This reporter has learned that the editor was about to lift the lid on wide-scale corruption at City Hall. Certainly there has been a deafening silence from that quarter, especially on the subject of monies diverted from the upkeep of the levees which failed so disastrously last weekend. The mayor was not available for comment and is believed to be out of town on a hunting trip.

Where is Miz Niki? This paper is offering a generous reward for information leading to her safe return.

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LETTER TO THE EDITOR

I shall account for the events of the great Caffeine airlift. I read an
article entitled “Weather or not” by Mr. Jack Mondieu. In it, he described
how “someone has bought up all the available coffee beans, and currently
there are none to be had on the open market. Look for cafe and restaurant
owners to adjust their price for a cuppa joe accordingly.” Now, the idea
of a bunch of caffeine addicted Taloosters not getting their cuppa joe is
barely less scary than Zombies down Bourbon Street. Fortunately, I happen
to have a friend whose nation is among the most reputable coffee providers
in all the Steamlands, one Callidus Weydelich. He scoffed at the idea that
would-be “Coffeosi” would try to do this, and well, he did want to repay for
all the times his shotgun fire damaged my spa. So, we set sail from Cala
Mondrago, in a warship full of Coffee.

The trip was a bit rough. I would like to say that we survived due to our
skill, but in truth, it helps when a Djinn stows away on board your ship and
can save you from crashing. We even got there in time for Salome Starsmith
to greet us with food and drink at the Severed head, which is right by port.
Bob Ellsmere, the hero of last year’s hurricane, was given Coffee so that he
might continue to provide demitasses for those weather weary Taloosters!
All in all, it was a glorious, defiant moment that showed our fair city at
its finest! Viva Nouvelle Toulouse! Viva La Demitasse!

Doctor Avalon

Editor’s note: Captain Alcide LeBlanc was successful in running from the storm and grounding his good ship ‘Calamares’ in the Bayou. The cargo was fully insured, he invites all citizens of New Toulouse to help themselves to as much coffee and bananas as they desire. To avoid waste, he recommends that no one take more than they and their immediate families and livestock can consume in a decade.

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ADVERTISEMENTS

WANTED: Attractive woman who lives on the second floor or higher. Should have a non-leaky roof and be a good cook. I own a rowboat and am good with my hands. Please contact Henry Payne at Bayou #1.

DRY ROOM FOR RENT in sturdy brick building. Dock your small craft in the courtyard and head directly up to your digs. Apply at Red Drum Place #3, on Basin Street between Frog Alley and the cemetery.

DOCTOR AVALON wishes to let residents know that the third floor of Our Lady of Mercy Hospital is a Hurricane shelter! There are plenty of beds, and hot food. Do not risk becoming yet another casualty of the weather! Stay safe!, Stay dry!

Not Just for Kids

Gamaliel’s Vintage Toys & Dolls
French Market, New Toulouse

You may know Mr. Gamaliel as the person who cracked the radio code and who, together with his wife Arijah Ankh Khalid-Zyn, operates Ravenwood Arts & Curios on Shotgun Row. He can be seen around town in various elaborate costumes. Now he has a new venture: a toy shop in the French Market district. Since was giving away free popcorn, naturally I had to take a look.

Why open a toy store in New Toulouse? He and his wife recently made a wooden doll for a little girl who visited Ravenwood. “I’ve done a lot of things in my life,” said Gamaliel. “Some good, some bad, and some … well, we’re not gonna go there. But it felt good making that doll—to know that someone will enjoy the hard work put into it. It also reminded me of my dad. When I was little, he carved me a wooden toy boat. It was probably the best gift I ever got from my old man, who lathed fine furniture by hand. So in a way, it was like living that all over again.”

Gamaliel has in stock a fine selection of handmade jigsaw puzzles with pictures of local scenery. He also sells toy planes and is giving away a special New Toulouse version as a gift. “It’s made of a really thin, lightweight strip of wood. The propeller is wound tightly by a flexible band that makes the propeller move, so when you toss it, it flies like the real thing. On my travels I met one of the Schweizer brothers, who was exhibiting a glider prototype. This is the best I could replicate it, but I figured I’d make it look like a biplane.”

Click here for more of this story!

FROM THE EDITOR’S DESK

The Tattler printing press is beset with a post-flood infestation of large snails, and the print room staff are busy round the clock refilling dishes with beer. The snails seem to have an unusually high tolerance for alcohol, and we may need to resort to spirits—send supplies if you can!

This special broadsheet edition of the Tattler was made possible by Mr. Lawrence James of James Ads & Signs, who very kindly donated the use of his own press.

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CLASSIFIEDS

FOR SALE—20 art canvases with muddled and vague images on them. First and final sale, from the just opened, and now closed, “Plein Air Watercolor Gallery of New Toulouse.” Author offers this wisdom, hard earned: read the weather report *before* starting a new venture. Signed, Washed Out.

LOST—Beloved pet crawfish, answers to “Jimbo,” very affectionate. Contact Gigi Lapin c/o Tattler.

LOST—Grandpa Moonbeam, in an oak casket with brass handles, last seen headed NE. Buy him a drink and send him home if found.

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LETTERS

Dear Sir,

Now that you’ve cleaned up the flood, I’m wondering when the blight will be cleared. 

a) tree branches around town
b) roof off the travel agency – not that I have ever liked the travel agency much. Too many weeds!!
c) fatheads and grass shrimp still squirming around in the cemetery
d) general mildew smell

Please provide an update on these items as soon as possible.

Miss Penny
A Visitor

Dear Sirs,

Please provide our criteria of what fits into the “weed” family. 

Also, please provide a ledger sheet with New Toulouse’s tourist revenue and GNP (I know we’re not a nation, but whatever the equivalent would be). I need to know these things right away.

And I am in the market for a cheap backhoe.

Thanks,

RMarie Beedit
A Denizen

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ASK MISS GALA

By Galatea Monday

The storm washed up all sorts of unexpected visitors in New Toulouse, but one of the most mouthwatering and terrifying was certainly the kraken! So for those of you who were lucky enough to cut a piece of this monster for your own, here are some recipes for your dining pleasure.

GARLIC & MAYO CALAMARI
10 oz. peanut oil (or other oil with a high smoke point!)
1 lb. squid (tubes and tentacles)
2 tablespoons corn flour
4 tablespoons semolina
2 teaspoons Old Bay seasoning (or use 1 teaspoon salt & 1 teaspoon paprika)

For the garlic mayonnaise:
1/2 clove garlic (or more, if you love it; less, if you’re a vampire!)
3/4 cup mayonnaise

Heat the oil in a small saucepan, and cut the squid into half-inch rings. Put the cornflour, semolina, and seasoning into a plastic freezer bag. Add the squid rings and tentacles and toss to coat. When the oil is hot enough, fry the squid in small batches to get the best crunch. Fry until golden (fairly quick). Grate or crush the garlic into the mayonnaise, stir to mix, and then serve with the fried squid.

S&P CALAMARI
About 2 cups peanut oil (or other oil with a high smoke point), or enough to come about 1/2-inch up in a frying pan
2 tablespoons sea salt
2 tablespoons black peppercorns
1/3 cup corn flour
1 lb. baby squid (cut into rings, tentacles left unchopped)
Lemons (for to squeeze)

Put the oil in a frying pan over a high heat. Bruise the salt and peppercorns in a mortar and pestle, and combine this mixture in a freezer bag with the cornflour, adding the squid and tossing to coat well but not heavily. When the oil’s very hot, fry the squid in small batches, and cook each batch briefly until just crisp on the outside and still sweet and tender inside. Remove to plates lined with paper towels. After several seconds, remove the greasy towel, squeeze lemons over them, and eat them fast!