New Toulouse

FROM THE EDITOR’S DESK

The Tattler printing press is beset with a post-flood infestation of large snails, and the print room staff are busy round the clock refilling dishes with beer. The snails seem to have an unusually high tolerance for alcohol, and we may need to resort to spirits—send supplies if you can!

This special broadsheet edition of the Tattler was made possible by Mr. Lawrence James of James Ads & Signs, who very kindly donated the use of his own press.

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CLASSIFIEDS

FOR SALE—20 art canvases with muddled and vague images on them. First and final sale, from the just opened, and now closed, “Plein Air Watercolor Gallery of New Toulouse.” Author offers this wisdom, hard earned: read the weather report *before* starting a new venture. Signed, Washed Out.

LOST—Beloved pet crawfish, answers to “Jimbo,” very affectionate. Contact Gigi Lapin c/o Tattler.

LOST—Grandpa Moonbeam, in an oak casket with brass handles, last seen headed NE. Buy him a drink and send him home if found.

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LETTERS

Dear Sir,

Now that you’ve cleaned up the flood, I’m wondering when the blight will be cleared. 

a) tree branches around town
b) roof off the travel agency – not that I have ever liked the travel agency much. Too many weeds!!
c) fatheads and grass shrimp still squirming around in the cemetery
d) general mildew smell

Please provide an update on these items as soon as possible.

Miss Penny
A Visitor

Dear Sirs,

Please provide our criteria of what fits into the “weed” family. 

Also, please provide a ledger sheet with New Toulouse’s tourist revenue and GNP (I know we’re not a nation, but whatever the equivalent would be). I need to know these things right away.

And I am in the market for a cheap backhoe.

Thanks,

RMarie Beedit
A Denizen

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ASK MISS GALA

By Galatea Monday

The storm washed up all sorts of unexpected visitors in New Toulouse, but one of the most mouthwatering and terrifying was certainly the kraken! So for those of you who were lucky enough to cut a piece of this monster for your own, here are some recipes for your dining pleasure.

GARLIC & MAYO CALAMARI
10 oz. peanut oil (or other oil with a high smoke point!)
1 lb. squid (tubes and tentacles)
2 tablespoons corn flour
4 tablespoons semolina
2 teaspoons Old Bay seasoning (or use 1 teaspoon salt & 1 teaspoon paprika)

For the garlic mayonnaise:
1/2 clove garlic (or more, if you love it; less, if you’re a vampire!)
3/4 cup mayonnaise

Heat the oil in a small saucepan, and cut the squid into half-inch rings. Put the cornflour, semolina, and seasoning into a plastic freezer bag. Add the squid rings and tentacles and toss to coat. When the oil is hot enough, fry the squid in small batches to get the best crunch. Fry until golden (fairly quick). Grate or crush the garlic into the mayonnaise, stir to mix, and then serve with the fried squid.

S&P CALAMARI
About 2 cups peanut oil (or other oil with a high smoke point), or enough to come about 1/2-inch up in a frying pan
2 tablespoons sea salt
2 tablespoons black peppercorns
1/3 cup corn flour
1 lb. baby squid (cut into rings, tentacles left unchopped)
Lemons (for to squeeze)

Put the oil in a frying pan over a high heat. Bruise the salt and peppercorns in a mortar and pestle, and combine this mixture in a freezer bag with the cornflour, adding the squid and tossing to coat well but not heavily. When the oil’s very hot, fry the squid in small batches, and cook each batch briefly until just crisp on the outside and still sweet and tender inside. Remove to plates lined with paper towels. After several seconds, remove the greasy towel, squeeze lemons over them, and eat them fast!

As the rain begins to fall and the skies thicken, Cavalco, the farrier, jockey, and factotum of the Old Spanish Stable, waits patiently while the pig family takes the last bites of the weeds behind the stable. The padrone of the stable and sheriff of New Toulouse, Pazzo Pestana, hoped his pigs would help abate the weed problem. (Photo credit: Pazzo Pestana.)

The grand opening of Gamaliel’s Vintage Toys & Dolls is delayed by troubling weather, which didn’t stop Mr. Gamaliel from composing verse. (Photo credit: Nikita Weymann.)

Dear Madam,

While taking my customary stroll through the City the other day I was shocked to notice an unkempt piece of land behind the stables. Not wanting to embarrass Captain P by approaching him in person, I decided to bring it to his attention through the medium of your excellent paper.

I am particularly concerned at the impression this sort of thing will make upon the thousands who visit our City each year. Are we to lose our long-cherished nickname of the Big Seedy, only to be known henceforth as the Big Weedy?

I enclose a snapshot of the offending strip of land.

Yours, etc

F- – – – – – – – A- – –

The writer’s full name and address have been supplied to the editor.

This is a response to the “Chief of Police,” Mr. P. Pestana, regarding his dictate on the destruction of weeds. Aside from the fact that weeds are completely indigenous and organic (most of the time), this sort of blathering ordinance betrays an obvious dynamic within our civic servant infrastructure. Don’t you have anything better to do than to make old ladies like me look silly writing letters asking why you don’t have anything better to do than make random rules—not even official legislation, I might add—about the types of things people grow on their own personal land? If nobody has any weeds growing then what are you going to stand around picking your teeth with?

Sign me,

Weed lover with better things to do!!!