New Toulouse

Sirs—

A recent item in the New Toulouse Tattler claimed that our Company, Mutual Independent, fired our New Toulouse Agent, Mr. Richard E. Mains. This is in fact untrue. While Mr. Mains no longer works for our company, we did not in fact terminate him. Mr. Mains and our Company merely terminated our Employment Agreement, and have gone our separate ways. This statement is not intended to be an endorsement for Mr. Mains; our company policies forbid us from endorsing and candidates for public office. We thank you for the opportunity to correct the previous misstatement, and wish both candidates the very best of luck. Please note that our new Agent in your area is Mr. Agricola Fusilier, doing business in the same location for over a fiftieth of a century.

Neptunus Thornton, sec’ty
Mutual Independent Insurance Company

I want to let you know what kind of man my opponent is. Richard E. Mains, the slippery candidate of the entirely fictitious Citizens’ Party is going to run against me for Mayor. Haha, the CITIZENS’ PARTY! We know all of the Citizens in New Toulouse, and they go to parties, they don’t join them. It’s just a made-up, fancy-sounding name to make it sound like they have popular support.

This guy—I hesitate to call him “man”—used to be your insurance agent! And now he’s not, but he has enough money to finance an expensive political campaign. He’s a wealthy man—now, how did that happen? I’ll tell you. Little Dicky Mains isn’t living high off the hog on the insurance company’s money, oh no! He’s living off of the premiums that poor people like you and me paid in! That man has run off with our premiums, and now he wants to run off with your city government! He says he retired, but you know that’s a lie—when he ran off with those premiums, they just plain old fired him. The good people of New Toulouse are too smart to be fooled by a shyster like that! Have you ever seen an Insurance Agent go out of business? Noooo! They can’t! Their profits are guaranteed by their magic actuarial tables! Their profit is assured! But that’s not enough for Mister Fancy Suit Dicky, is it? Nooo! He done scammed his employer and run off with your money! I challenge you to find the insurance company in town! They closed it! They bundled up your hard-earned premium money, and Mr. Fancy Suit is spending it on booze and probably even worse!

Mark my words, if that man becomes Mayor, he will scam your rent money and your taxes and all of my graft that comes in from outside sources, and he will put it in his carpetbag, and back to the big city he will go. In the middle of the night! Don’t vote for little Dicky, vote for me, Henri Godenot, the Mayor you can talk to!

Henri Godenot is the mayor of New Toulouse.

Madam,

While I am delighted to see my fellow-citizens taking such an interest in politics, I have to question the suitability of certain of those who have put themselves forward as candidates. I find it even more shocking that they have some support in the community.

Mr Mondieu’s ability and capacity for hard work are surely in doubt, given the health problems he has suffered of late. I think we all know the cause of the problem, but this newspaper is hardly the place to indulge in speculation and idle gossip. I shall point out merely that Mr. Mondieu frequents the Green-Eyed Fairy to a point where I am considering charging him rent. As for Mr. Mains, he may well be “honest, upright and true” as an earlier correspondent claims, but does anyone know this gentleman? He seems to have arrived in town from who-knows-where, and there is little to be learned of his private life.

By contrast, Henri Godenot, the present incumbent, has a record that speaks for itself: improved roads and lighting, a ferry service, the beautification of the City Hall that has always been there, and other improvements.

Are we so quick to forget? Remembering the Mayor’s generosity, I urge you all to vote for Mayor Godenot and the Alliance Party.

Vote Godenot for the status quo!

Yours, etc.,
Francesca Alva

FOR SALE

PLOT FOR SALE—St. Louis Cemetery #23, slightly used tomb included or BYOT. Certified unhaunted by actual priest (part-time). Excellent source of goofer dust. Serious offers only to Lazaire Bienvenu, Agent, NT-333.

FOR RENT

RECENTLY FUMIGATED storefront for rent, steps from streetcar line and Laveau Square. Possible light spectral activity but a steal for the right sort of business. Lazaire Bienvenu, Agent, NT-333.

HELP WANTED

THE NEW TOULOUSE TATTLER seeks talented reporters, photographers, and columnists. Phone Nikita Weymann, NT-668.

NOTICES

SANITARY NOTICE. The throwing of dead animals and other refuse in the streets and ditches of New Toulouse is prohibited, and persons guilty of doing so will be fined. All householders are urged to help keep the town in a healthful condition by keeping their premises clean and free from rubbish of all descriptions. H. GODENOT, Mayor.

JOIN the Citizens’ League and help elect a new city government that will work FOR THE PEOPLE. Promotional materials now available at our headquarters, 26 Basin Street, New Toulouse.

SUPPORT MAYOR GODENOT in his bid for reelection—stop by and pick up some free posters. Alliance Party campaign headquarters, 1 Rue du Rossignol, New Toulouse.

MISCELLANEOUS

LOVELY YOUNG SUFFRAGETTES are waiting for your call. Discuss politics and pantaloons for only L$5 per minute. Phone NT-355 now!

DR. ZIP’S Radium Throat Lozenges will soothe and leave you with a glowing, vibrant voice.

PERSONAL

MARRY IF LONELY—For results, try me. Many wealthy wishing early marriage; very successful, confidential; strictly reliable; years of experience; descriptions free. The Successful club, Mrs. Purdue, Box 550, Oakland, Cal.

LOST & FOUND

NEW TOULOUSE STREET RAILWAY COMPANY. Persons having lost some article would do well to call up the office of the New Toulouse Street Railway Company to ascertain whether they left it in the streetcars. Many articles each day are turned in and the company is anxious to restore them to the rightful owner. Call NT-795.

Classified ads are posted every Monday and are L$1 per word; fee waived for sufficiently amusing advertisements. Contact NT-668 to place an ad.

Gentlemen—

Please vote for Richard E. Mains and save our community from itself. Our city needs schools for our children, our Bayou needs drainage and clean water. Our taxes are wasted on defending ourselves from morality itself while the real monster of ignorance stalks our populace. Look at our poor community, with the tenement cribs of Gloryville and the shacks on Shotgun Row. If our taxes were not annually wasted on that debacle we call Carnival, we could have a fine education system and proper flood control.

For too long have we labored under the heavy chains of the past and the antiquated system of political patronage. Our community needs clean, honest, and fair government. Government without the colorful candidates, without the lavish festivals and gifts; government that is clean, pure, and uncomplicated.

The Tentacles of the Regular Alliance have wrapped themselves around our lives and our homes for far too long. Strike a blow for freedom and change, and vote for Richard E. Mains, the candidate of the Citizens’ Party!

Girard Quebedeaux, Judge (retired)

Madame Editor,

This letter is to formally endorse Henri Godenot for Mayor.

I’m nobody in particular. But when I heard he was running, more than a few thoughts came to mind: one, that he should be recognized for his business acumen as soon as possible, and two, that the quality of his honesty and integrity should be mentioned.

Having wandered into the city several years ago, this writer chanced upon Monsieur Godenot, who enthusiastically pounced upon that encounter with offers of grand tours and a residential safari, which he made good on that very day. We sailed by air over the river to New Toulouse Algiers, where there was prime real estate to be had. Within four or five hours, a transaction occurred from my wallet to that of a Mr. T. Avro—brokered by H. Godenot—for many thousands of lindens. The land was sound but swampy.

Over the years we have seen H. G. do his part for the community in ways we all appreciate and recall. His becoming mayor was to the benefit of all, certainly. Of course, he’s always been most effective in serving various causes—not many may recall his impersonation of a priest for special occasions and charity events. I’m attaching a photo of just such a time, out in the swamp when he pulled some especially fine effects while offering priestly advice to bayou dowagers and fireflies. Father Godenot’s stump speeches on many a subject are things of legend—perhaps he could truck out this special talent to win the primaries.

Whenever the Mayoral elections actually are, we wish everyone the best in making their decision, for the sake of the community and other things.

Miss R. Beedit

FOR SALE

PLOT FOR SALE—St. Louis Cemetery #23, slightly used tomb included or BYOT. Certified unhaunted by actual priest (part-time). Excellent source of goofer dust. Serious offers only to Lazaire Bienvenu, Agent, NT-333.

FOR RENT

RECENTLY FUMIGATED storefront for rent, steps from streetcar line and Laveau Square. Possible light spectral activity but a steal for the right sort of business. Lazaire Bienvenu, Agent, NT-333.

HELP WANTED

HELP WANTED—Assistants for upcoming event. Must be fast learners and own athletic footwear. Absence of criminal record a big plus. Leave message in east rubbish bin, Wikifoo Plaza.

THE NEW TOULOUSE TATTLER seeks talented reporters, photographers, and columnists. Phone Nikita Weymann, NT-668.

NOTICES

DOCTOR AVALON is pleased to note that since DJ Dr. Maddox Sinclair is among us, we will schedule a calendar of events: a Toga Party one the first Monday of every month at Aquavitae, and a Dance on the third Monday of every month at the Cup and Harp banquet hall. The time for both events will be 6-8 SLT. The festivities begin tonight, Monday the 18th, at the Cup and Harp.

SUPPORT MAYOR GODENOT in his bid for reelection—stop by and pick up some free posters. Alliance Party campaign headquarters, 1 Rue du Rossignol, New Toulouse.

HELP DESTROY THE SUN. Mondieu for Mayor, #5 Red Drum Place.

JOIN the Citizens’ League and help elect a new city government that will work FOR THE PEOPLE. Promotional materials now available at our headquarters, 26 Basin Street, New Toulouse.

MISCELLANEOUS

VOTE MONDIEU for mayor! That way, instead of seeing him rummaging through your trash, sleeping in your shed, and puking on your porch, he will just stay in City Hall, where the criminal element belongs!

LADIES, WHEN IN NEED of legal or confidential advice why not confer with one of your own sex? Gentlemen also welcome. Contact Alva Investigations, #6, The French Market. Tel: NT-911.

EATING MEAT builds up your muscle, a juicy steak will make you hustle. With muscle and hustle, THE WORLD IS YOURS. Try Perrineau’s lake cow steak tonight.

PERSONALS

WILL THE PERSON who defecates in my wishing well night after night please desist immediately. Your identity is known.

JENNY—Come home, all is forgiven, even the parrot incident.

LOST & FOUND

LOST DOG, spaniel mix, answers to the name of Pookums, prefers herringbone tweed. Information please to A-3, Tattler, or telephone NT-565.

Classified ads are posted every Monday and are L$1 per word; fee waived for sufficiently amusing advertisements. Contact NT-668 to place an ad.

Madam Editor,

I am writing in response to Miss Jane Moreaux’s recent editorial speaking out against the candidacy of Mr. Jack Mondieu.

Aside from the fact that it seems in very poor form to allow your staff to use this paper as a forum to squabble in public, I couldn’t help but notice that Miss Moreaux seems to be the pot calling the kettle black. Yes, Mr. Mondieu has a drinking problem. This is New Toulouse—who doesn’t? But Miss Moreaux—whose windows are frequently shuttered and whose byline disappears for months at a time—is well known for her addiction to opium. Her neighbors know that she has gone away several times for “rest.” There have been multiple occasions where she has been too incapacitated to meet her obligations. Do you know how thick the smoke is at that bayou camp where she frequently finds Mr. Mondieu sleeping off a hangover in the shed? It seems quite hypocritical for her to condemn her colleague for a little booze.

And yes, I absolutely can imagine a Mayor Mondieu knowing how to handle a city in distress over too much rain—that is what his rhetoric about destroying the sun means, I am certain.

Moreover, I absolutely agree with Miss Moreaux that women in Louisiana should have the vote, but I object to the idea that no women in New Toulouse would vote for Mr. Mondieu. A woman employs him, after all.

Up until now, I haven’t helped Mr. Mondieu afford his new campaign headquarters—but I’m going to make a donation as soon as I drop this letter in the box.

VOTE MONDIEU
Bernard Savoy,
Concerned Citizen

My colleague, Mr. Jack Mondieu, has announced his candidacy for mayor. In response, my employer, the New Toulouse Tattler, is not endorsing a mayoral candidate this year, in order to avoid a conflict of interest. Out of journalistic integrity, I too will avoid endorsing a candidate.

But it is that same integrity that compels me to write this editorial imploring you not to vote for Jack Mondieu.

Lest I be accused of airing a workplace grievance in the guise of politics, I believe Mr. Mondieu is a talented writer, and although I sometimes disagree with his methods, his familiarity with the seedier side of our fair city is frequently an advantage to his investigative skills. Professionally, I have no real quarrel with Jack.

Neither is this a personal matter. After the incident several years ago when the Tattler threw a small holiday dinner for its staff, and he got drunk and attempted to smack me on the backside and I gave him a black eye, we have had a perfectly cordial relationship. In fact, if refraining from chasing Mr. Mondieu off of my bayou property when I find him sleeping in the shed because he got evicted again is any indication, I might go so far as to say we are friends.

No, this is strictly in regard to his qualifications for office. Jack is a disorganized, alcoholic disaster of a human being, in addition to being an utter cad. Unfortunately, Louisiana, unlike some other parts of the nation, does not (yet!) see the wisdom of women’s suffrage, so that alone may not disqualify him, much to my chagrin.

Does anyone really think that Mr. Mondieu believes he will actually “destroy the sun”? Surely it is obvious that this amusing euphemism simply means that he will be far too hungover to keep office hours during the daylight.

Imagine, if you will, next hurricane season, with a city in a state of emergency and (God forbid) a Mayor Mondieu. Will he be organizing rescues? Coordinating shelters? Organizing rations of food and water? Or will he be where he always is—flat on his back and three sheets to the wind?

Ordinarily, I would assume that Jack’s candidacy was a lark conceived over a few too many at Lafitte’s, but I have not found Jack sleeping in my shed in several weeks. This is because he is staying at his new campaign headquarters. Knowing what I know about Mr. Mondieu’s finances, I can only come to the alarming conclusion that his candidacy has supporters.

I understand that Jack has a blunt, crass charm, and the idea of him as mayor is amusing. But the joke will no longer be funny if the punchline is his election.

For the love of the city, for the love of all that’s holy, vote for someone else.

Jane Moreaux keeps all four eyes on New Toulouse.

WANTED

WANTED TO TRADE—About 40 rabbits for good bicycle or rowboat. Address Box G-5, Tattler.

WILL BUY AUTO—I want to buy a roadster or runabout, Ford preferred. Price must be very reasonable and terms will be necessary. Responsible party. In answering please state price, terms expected, make, model, and general condition of machine. G-3, The Tattler.

FOR SALE

HAY FOR SALE. First class mixed grass hay for sale at L$5, L$6 and L$7 a ton. For quantities and terms apply to T. K. SMITH, New Toulouse Bayou, La.

FOR RENT

STOREFRONT FOR RENT at #5 Pirate Alley, just steps from streetcar line and Laveau Square. Lazaire Bienvenu, Agent, NT-333.

HELP WANTED

THE NEW TOULOUSE TATTLER seeks talented reporters, photographers, and columnists. Phone Nikita Weymann, NT-668.

SITUATIONS WANTED

A WOMAN of 50 would like position as housekeeper for an elderly couple, prefer a place where one is an invalid—understands care of sick, 9 years’ experience. A comfortable home more of an object than wages. No objection to leaving city. Phone NT-119.

NOTICES

SUPPORT MAYOR GODENOT in his bid for reelection—stop by and pick up some free posters. Alliance Party campaign headquarters, 1 Rue du Rossignol, New Toulouse.

DOCTOR AVALON would like all to know that DJ Dr Maddox Sinclair has returned, and will resume her DJ spot. One such time and place will be tomorrow at Aquavitae, the Roman spa at 6pm slt. to 8pm Come and enjoy libations and tunes.

UNCLAIMED LETTERS remaining at Station A, New Toulouse Postoffice, week ending April 8: Ladies—Miss Elma Bruce, Mrs. Aug. Molaison, Miss Marie Molaison (2), Fannie McComb. Gentlemen—Jon Baliver, Edward Conrad, Gustave Harrison, Frank Ritter, L. J. White, Arthur Williams, Henry Wilty. CHARLES JANVIER, Postmaster. JOS. W. DANIELS, Supt. Sta. A.

JOIN the Citizens’ League and help elect a new city government that will work FOR THE PEOPLE. Promotional materials now available at our headquarters, 26 Basin Street, New Toulouse.

MISCELLANEOUS

MR. YOUNG MARRIED MAN: Safety first. Investigate the benefits you can derive from membership in the WORKINGMEN’S UNION AND BENEVOLENT ASSOCIATION. Ask any member or address W. C. ANDRY, Rec. Sec., 46 Royal Street, NEW TOULOUSE.

NO BOTTOM LAYERS in a box of JACOBS Superb Candies—Every layer is in a separate tray and the same delicious candies from the first to the last piece. “Made Last Night” in good old New Toulouse. Sales Agent Peter Rupp.

CUT THIS OUT—It is Worth Money. Don’t miss this. Cut out this slip, enclose with 5c to Foley & Co., Chicago, Illinois, writing your name and address clearly. You will receive in return a trial package containing Foley’s Honey and Tar Compound, for lagrippe coughs colds and croup, Foley Kidney Pills, and Foley Cathartic Tablets. J. W. Duncan Co.

LOST & FOUND

MONEY LOST—On April 5 I lost in the town of New Toulouse the sum of L$9.95, one check of M. A. Neal to F. M. Bostick for L$2.95 and the balance in cash. Finder return the check and L$5 bill and keep L$2 for his trouble. Return to Tattler office or to F. M. BOSTICK, New Toulouse, La.

Classified ads are posted every Monday and are L$1 per word; fee waived for sufficiently amusing advertisements. Contact NT-668 to place an ad.