New Toulouse

Turkey Trouble
Eighteen fine fat turkeys were stolen from the Frye & Co. butcher shop last night by burglars. Entrance to the shop was gained by ripping off part of the screening on a front door.

Uncivil Cyclist
Riding along Royal Street between Wikifoo Way and Peach Alley Sunday night, without lights or warning signal, an unidentified bicyclist struck J. Fordyce, age 70, and bowled him over in the mud. Fordyce’s nose was broken and he suffered internal injuries. The cyclist continued on his way without stopping. Police officers are making a search for the cyclist.

Dope Den
Three men were arrested by detectives Saturday night at French Market #3-B on a charge of smoking opium. Sgt. Guy and seven officers confiscated three pipes and a “hop layout.”

Odd Socks
Police are advising New Toulouse residents to lock their sock drawers following a series of baffling incidents in which a single unfamiliar sock has been added to a person’s sock collection. The mystery socks are of different sizes, styles, and states of wear, and they offer no clue as to the identity of the culprit.

Mischief Maker
Last Wednesday a woman began erecting a house on a bayou property without a permit. When her ill-conceived construction sank into the swamp, she entered a home and began to move in furniture. A parish officer asked her to leave the private residence, but the woman ignored the request and was promptly escorted outside the parish and told never to return.

Travel Trouble
Several persons appeared disoriented after visiting a travel agency on Shotgun Row, complaining of flashing lights and claiming to have the abiility to turn the sky “to midnight.” Police searched the establishment but found no sign of illegal drugs or paraphernalia. It is speculated that the cause was a bad batch of egg-salad sandwiches on Mars.

Unclothed Vacationer
A Bayou resident returned home Monday to find a strange woman in her underthings posing for photographs on the bed. The homeowner offered a her a copy of the New Toulouse directory of public places, and the stranger excused herself and went out the door, without stopping to put on more clothing.

Critter Caution
Do not approach the hippopotamuses grazing on water hyacinth in the bayou. “Lake cows” may look docile, but they can easily turn violent.

A STING OPERATION uncovered a brisk heroin trade occurring at the clam stall at Flanagan’s Fun Fair. One woman who ran the clam stall has been arrested on drug charges. Any “hophead” seeking the potent snuff was able, with the right password and the right amount of cash, to receive it concealed within a serving of clams.

A CONFLAGRATION on the top floor of the No. 23 Firehouse late on Tuesday was brought under control quickly. It is believed that anarchists armed with an infernal device were responsible.

A CARNIVAL WORKER was arrested for operating the “swing boats” ride while intoxicated.