New Toulouse

If you’ve ever wanted to turn flowers into bacon, now’s your chance.

No, this isn’t just more of the usual bunkum. We are daily bombarded with fantastical assertions, and now we are weary and jaded. Flowers into bacon, you say? Why, only the other week a traveling man of God—with his very own tent and a parish permit and a not untalented banjoist—promised that if I added whatever coinage I could to his collection plate, my prayers would be heard and addressed. I can report that despite my having put a solid three lindens into the holy kitty, not one of my prayers has been answered, including the one about the trousers. But I digress.

If you have the right kind of flower—Eichhornia crassipes, the water hyacinth—you can indeed exchange it for bacon. Of a certain type. While supplies last.

The Bayou Safety Initiative is kicking off its flagship campaign with help from Perrineau & Co., a local provider of innovative meat solutions. Foreign flowers threaten our domestic waterways—nay, our very way of life. Buying liberty bonds won’t stop flowers. Only hippopotamuses, and you, can help.

In partnership with the initiative, Perrineau & Co. is offering a free package of hippopotamus bacon in exchange for any living water hyacinth plants. This comes in the aftermath of a recent water hyacinth giveaway, the ill-advised promotional effort of a local grocery.

“Our lake cows already help control the water hyacinth population,” said Perrineau. “They find them delicious—but not as delicious as you’ll find our lake cow bacon!”

(In case you’ve been asleep for the past few years—I’m looking at you, Krewe Van Winkle—a “lake cow” is a hippopotamus, at least in the parlance of Perrineau & Co.)

The Bayou Safety Initiative could use your help. The group has offered to pick up water hyacinths from homes and businesses, but the response to the bacon-for-flowers deal has been overwhelming. To volunteer, go to the BSI office at #8 Rue Bayou, New Toulouse.

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Jack Mondieu feels far more threatened by zombies and gators than by any flower.

Dear Madam Editor,

I am writing this letter to express my displeasure with one of your advertisers, M. Perrineau. I can only assume this advertiser is a man, because he insists on peddling his product with salacious images of scantily clad women cavorting through the bayou with bald, paunchy, wrinkled creatures. This type of advertising, aside from being immoral, seems to give other bald, paunchy, wrinkled creatures—such as my husband—the wandering eye.

What M. Perrineau seems to have forgotten is that bacon—whether it comes from a pig, a lake cow, or a three-eyed goat—is most frequently purchased and cooked by the lady of the house. We are not persuaded, sir, to open our wallets by the sight of a trim female silhouette, and some of us are inclined to boycott on principle if our spouses continue to sigh whenever they pass by one of your ads.

In short, M. Perrineau, if you want our business, you’ll have to do better.

Mrs. Eugenie St. Martin, housewife

Odd Socks
Police are advising New Toulouse residents to lock their sock drawers following a series of baffling incidents in which a single unfamiliar sock has been added to a person’s sock collection. The mystery socks are of different sizes, styles, and states of wear, and they offer no clue as to the identity of the culprit.

Mischief Maker
Last Wednesday a woman began erecting a house on a bayou property without a permit. When her ill-conceived construction sank into the swamp, she entered a home and began to move in furniture. A parish officer asked her to leave the private residence, but the woman ignored the request and was promptly escorted outside the parish and told never to return.

Travel Trouble
Several persons appeared disoriented after visiting a travel agency on Shotgun Row, complaining of flashing lights and claiming to have the abiility to turn the sky “to midnight.” Police searched the establishment but found no sign of illegal drugs or paraphernalia. It is speculated that the cause was a bad batch of egg-salad sandwiches on Mars.

Unclothed Vacationer
A Bayou resident returned home Monday to find a strange woman in her underthings posing for photographs on the bed. The homeowner offered a her a copy of the New Toulouse directory of public places, and the stranger excused herself and went out the door, without stopping to put on more clothing.

Critter Caution
Do not approach the hippopotamuses grazing on water hyacinth in the bayou. “Lake cows” may look docile, but they can easily turn violent.