New Toulouse

The Tattler received the following recipe anonymously and tested it, and everyone who tasted it promptly got a terrible rash. It might work for you, or it might kill your whole family; please be very careful.

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Water Hyacinth Bundt Cake

In a large bowl, mix:

3 cups flour
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
½ tsp salt
1 tsp cardamom, powdered
1 tsp cinnamon, powdered

In a different bowl, mix:

2 cups brown sugar
¾ cup applesauce
½ cup grated coconut
4 tbsp oil
2½ cups grated water hyacinth bulbs (if you substitute cucumber here, no one will die)

Mix the contents of the two bowls, and pour the mix into a bundt pan. Bake in a preheated 350-degree oven until a toothpick in the center comes out clean (about 45–215 minutes). Remove from the oven, let rest for 10 minutes, then take it out of the pan. Allow to cool before eating.

Perrinault and other shadowy New Toulouse powers have enacted a new “meat innovation solution” in answer to the overabundance of water hyacinth plants choking up the bayou. Put simply, the lake cows eat the water hyacinth plants. Then a few lake cows are harvested for delicious bacon, which is provided free to anyone who hands over a few pounds of live water hyacinth plants. Double whammy against the water hyacinth problem.

This brings up the question of humane treatment of the benevolent lake cow species. One can’t get a straight answer to the query, “How many bullets does it take to produce a package of Lake Cow bacon?” Instead you get this rhetorical response: “For fear of hurting one of the few industries in New Toulouse, I refuse to comment on bullet quantity or placement.”

The lake cow bacon production industry is presumably subsidized by your tax dollars, regardless of your dietary choices. Of course the predilection to smell bacon in the morning scrambles the logic of the meat innovation solution, anyway. How about harvesting water hyacinths to produce food and all manner of other products—hats, capes, boats, rafts, wall coverings, mats, mattress stuffings, ropes, chewing gum—and creating a real, inclusive industry?

But we know who the industry revolves around in New Toulouse, don’t we?

RMarie Beedit
Weeds Vegetarian Public House

FOR SALE

BUILDING LOT in entertainment district, corner Lion Court & Pontalba, L$1,024. Parcel supports 468 LI at L$600 per week. Questions? Phone Lazaire Bienvenu, NT-333.

HORSE SALE—ABC “pets” with authentic breed characteristics (equine veterinarian verified). Equipment includes saddles (western, side, jockey) and bridles. 100L for most breeds, 500L for special breeds. Horses will be replaced as they sell. See them at the Old Spanish Stable, New Toulouse. Direct any questions to Pazzo Pestana, NT-531.

DOWN ON THE RIVERSIDE. Bayou with a city view? Yes indeed! See what land is for sale on page 7.

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FOR RENT

BEGINNING JANUARY 1, 1918, the Cottage plantation on the Missedabracket river, south of Baton Rouge, containing approximately 1000 acres. In fine condition for rice, cotton and sugar. Apply to or address JAMES J. BAILEY, Baton Rouge, La.

WHETHER YOU REQUIRE a storefront in the city or a little Bayou shack, you may find the ideal rental property by consulting our list on page 7.

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HELP WANTED

COWBOYS AND COWGIRLS needed. Hard work, dangerous conditions, average pay, international travel. Must be able to Break, Rope, Ride, Pole Pirogue and Harpoon. Inquire at Perrineau’s, NT-462.

THE NEW TOULOUSE TATTLER seeks talented reporters, photographers, and columnists. Phone Nikita Weymann, NT-668.

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NOTICES

ALL PERSONS having bills against the parish are hereby respectfully requested to present same to the Police Jury on Wednesday preceding the regular monthly meeting, otherwise these bills will not be paid until the following meeting of the Police Jury. H. Bodin, Secretary.

PROTECT OUR WETLANDS! The Bayou Safety Initiative of New Toulouse Parish provides the public with information on staying safe in the swamp and works to halt the spread of dangerous invasive species. Come by our office at #8 Rue Bayou, New Toulouse, and find out more.

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MISCELLANEOUS

HARK BACK—ADDICTS—A Neal course of treatment leaves a memory behind pleasanter than your drug dreams. It will be the shining calendar mark from which to date your re-enfranchisement as a FREE WILLED creature; but that’s not all. The few days you need to stay here will be recalled as physically pleasant days. For by the Neal Way the craving is quenched with none of the terrific withdrawal misery that now daunts you. Write for book (sent in plain wrapper) or call for particulars (in confidence). Neal Institute, 815 East 49th street, Chicago. Phone 439 Oakland.

THE THRIFTY HOUSEWIFE uses GAS for Cooking or Heating. It is the economical fuel. You can Turn it Off or On as needed. Call and See Our Gas Equipment. NEW TOULOUSE RAILWAY & LIGHT CO.

NOTICE! I keep constantly on hand a full supply of Metallic and Wood Coffins, Trimmed. All sizes, from infant to adult. Up-to-date styles. Also carry Burial Costumes. Prices to suit customer. Can furnish at once. Orders received by wire or otherwise. LEOPOLD ELGUTTER, New Toulouse, Louisiana.

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PERSONALS

I AM A VEGETARIAN, thirty years of age, tall and good-looking, with cultivated and refined tastes, correct habits in every respect, and good family connections. I reside in one of the most pleasant cities in the South, and have been successful in business. I wish a Vegetarian wife, one with dark eyes and hair, with a love of the beautiful, of music, poetry, painting, and the fine arts; and above all, a love of home, and its duties and pleasures. “CHARLES,” care Tattler.

MARRY IF LONELY—For results, try me. Many wealthy wishing early marriage; very successful, confidential; strictly reliable; years of experience; descriptions free. The Successful club, Mrs. Purdue, Box 550, Oakland, Cal.

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LOST & FOUND

NEW TOULOUSE STREET RAILWAY COMPANY. Persons having lost some article would do well to call up the office of the New Toulouse Street Railway Company to ascertain whether they left it in the streetcars. Many articles each day are turned in and the company is anxious to restore them to the rightful owner. Call NT-795.

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Classified ads are posted every Monday and are L$1 per word; fee waived for sufficiently amusing advertisements. Contact NT-668 to place an ad.

If you’ve ever wanted to turn flowers into bacon, now’s your chance.

No, this isn’t just more of the usual bunkum. We are daily bombarded with fantastical assertions, and now we are weary and jaded. Flowers into bacon, you say? Why, only the other week a traveling man of God—with his very own tent and a parish permit and a not untalented banjoist—promised that if I added whatever coinage I could to his collection plate, my prayers would be heard and addressed. I can report that despite my having put a solid three lindens into the holy kitty, not one of my prayers has been answered, including the one about the trousers. But I digress.

If you have the right kind of flower—Eichhornia crassipes, the water hyacinth—you can indeed exchange it for bacon. Of a certain type. While supplies last.

The Bayou Safety Initiative is kicking off its flagship campaign with help from Perrineau & Co., a local provider of innovative meat solutions. Foreign flowers threaten our domestic waterways—nay, our very way of life. Buying liberty bonds won’t stop flowers. Only hippopotamuses, and you, can help.

In partnership with the initiative, Perrineau & Co. is offering a free package of hippopotamus bacon in exchange for any living water hyacinth plants. This comes in the aftermath of a recent water hyacinth giveaway, the ill-advised promotional effort of a local grocery.

“Our lake cows already help control the water hyacinth population,” said Perrineau. “They find them delicious—but not as delicious as you’ll find our lake cow bacon!”

(In case you’ve been asleep for the past few years—I’m looking at you, Krewe Van Winkle—a “lake cow” is a hippopotamus, at least in the parlance of Perrineau & Co.)

The Bayou Safety Initiative could use your help. The group has offered to pick up water hyacinths from homes and businesses, but the response to the bacon-for-flowers deal has been overwhelming. To volunteer, go to the BSI office at #8 Rue Bayou, New Toulouse.

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Jack Mondieu feels far more threatened by zombies and gators than by any flower.

WANTED

ROOMS WANTED. YOUNG COUPLE wish to rent two rooms for light housekeeping, with privilege of using bath-room. Must be nicely furnished, and in residence of good family. State price. Address M. H., care Tattler.

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FOR SALE

BUILDING LOT in entertainment district, corner Lion Court & Pontalba, L$1,024. Parcel supports 468 LI at L$600 per week. Questions? Phone Lazaire Bienvenu, NT-333.

MAKE GOOD for the baby’s sake. Buy a United States Liberty Bond for the littlest one, God bless him—or her.

DOWN ON THE RIVERSIDE. Bayou with a city view? Yes indeed! See what land is for sale on page 7.

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FOR RENT

BEGINNING JANUARY 1, 1918, the Cottage plantation on the Missedabracket river, south of Baton Rouge, containing approximately 1000 acres. In fine condition for rice, cotton and sugar. Apply to or address JAMES J. BAILEY, Baton Rouge, La.

WHETHER YOU REQUIRE an apartment or a storefront in New Toulouse, you may find the ideal rental property by consulting our list on page 7.

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HELP WANTED

COWBOYS AND COWGIRLS needed. Hard work, dangerous conditions, average pay, international travel. Must be able to Break, Rope, Ride, Pole Pirogue and Harpoon. Inquire at Perrineau’s, NT-462.

THE NEW TOULOUSE TATTLER seeks talented reporters, photographers, and columnists. Phone Nikita Weymann, NT-668.

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NOTICES

PROTECT OUR WETLANDS! The Bayou Safety Initiative of New Toulouse Parish provides the public with information on staying safe in the swamp and works to halt the spread of dangerous invasive species. The ladies’ auxiliary meets June 26 at four o’clock, Weeds Vegetarian Public House tea room (upstairs).

TO AUTOMOBILE OWNERS—The Police Jury of New Toulouse Parish calls the attention of Automobile Owners that the speed limit of the Parish is on 25 miles per hour. Violators will be dealt with accordingly. (Signed) H. Bodin, Secty.

THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER floats more proudly over every home that buys a United States Liberty bond.

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MISCELLANEOUS

EATING MEAT builds up your muscle, a juicy steak will make you hustle. With muscle and hustle, THE WORLD IS YOURS. Try Perrineau’s lake cow steak tonight.

WE ARE EAGER to have every woman in this vicinity know of the merits of the Wirthmor L$1.00 Waist. We want them to know this not only because they will thereafter buy them repeatedly, but more particularly because it demonstrates so convincingly the splendid results that can be attained when the retailer and manufacturer unite in close co-operation with a sincere desire to well serve the buying public. And in this connection let us add that we avail our selves of every opportunity for such co-operation as will be an aid in bettering our service or values. These thoroughly desirable Wirthmor Waists can be sold in just one good store in every city and they are sold here exclusively. B. LEMANN & BRO.

LOVELY YOUNG SUFFRAGETTES are waiting for your call. Discuss politics and pantaloons for only L$5 per minute. Phone NT-355 now!

CONVERT YOUR FORD into a Truck. We have secured the agency for Graham Bros.’ truck attachment, which, added to a Ford chassis, makes an ideal truck. Unlike other concerns these people furnish the attachment complete with cab and body. The price is right, too. Come and see one. ALLEN’S GARAGE.

MONEY MAKES the war go. Have you bought your bond?

IF YOU DON’T FIND WHAT YOU WANT on this page, advertise for it. Don’t delay—run that little ad today. Phone NT-668.

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PERSONALS

I AM A VEGETARIAN, thirty years of age, tall and good-looking, with cultivated and refined tastes, correct habits in every respect, and good family connections. I reside in one of the most pleasant cities in the South, and have been successful in business. I wish a Vegetarian wife, one with dark eyes and hair, with a love of the beautiful, of music, poetry, painting, and the fine arts; and above all, a love of home, and its duties and pleasures. “CHARLES,” care Tattler.

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Classified ads are posted every Monday and are L$1 per word; fee waived for sufficiently amusing advertisements. Contact NT-668 to place an ad.

WANTED

WHY SHIP YOUR WOOL, hides, furs & wax when you can get just as good prices at home? I will pay Guaranteed St. Louis Prices! At any Station or Landing, please write me before you sell. J. SALOMON, New Toulouse, Louisiana. Telephone NT-409.

WHEN DEMOCRACY GOES TO WAR democracy fights that war and pays for it. That’s what the Liberty bonds are for. Will you buy your bond today?

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FOR SALE

BUILDING LOT in entertainment district, corner Lion Court & Pontalba, L$1,024. Parcel supports 468 LI at L$600 per week. Questions? Phone Lazaire Bienvenu, NT-333.

DOWN ON THE RIVERSIDE—Bayou with a city view? Yes indeed! See our listing on page 7.

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FOR RENT

WHETHER YOU REQUIRE an apartment or a storefront, you may find the ideal rental property by consulting our list on page 7.

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HELP WANTED

THE NEW TOULOUSE TATTLER seeks talented reporters, photographers, and columnists. Phone Nikita Weymann, NT-668.

YOUR NEIGHBOR HAS BOUGHT United States Liberty Bonds. Have you?

COWBOYS AND COWGIRLS needed. Hard work, dangerous conditions, average pay, international travel. Must be able to Break, Rope, Ride, Pole Pirogue and Harpoon. Inquire at Perrineau’s, NT-462.

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NOTICES

HOTEL CONUNDRUM—We take pleasure in announcing that we have taken over the Hotel Conundrum from Mr. R. C. Lancaster, and will conduct same in future for our own account, assuring the trade comfortable accomodations, while the table will be supplied with the best the market affords. We solicit the public patronage. MRS. O. H. GAUGH, Proprietress.

UNCLAIMED LETTERS remaining at Sta. A, New Toulouse, La., P. O. Thursday, June 15: MEN—Isadore Charles, Wm. H. Colbert, Si Green, F. Johnson, Tom Di Matteo. WOMEN—Mrs. Augustant Catlana, Mrs. Lydia Eglen, Mrs. Charles Jordan, Mrs. Louisa Plueit, Louisa Ramoss. (Signed) CHARLES JANVIER, P. M., and JOS. W. DANIELS, Supt. Sta. A.

UNITED STATES LIBERTY BONDS pay 3½ per cent interest in money and a million per cent interest in peace of mind and patriotism.

SANITARY NOTICE. The throwing of dead animals and other refuse in the streets and ditches of New Toulouse is prohibited, and persons guilty of doing so will be fined. All householders are urged to help keep the town in a healthful condition by keeping their premises clean and free from rubbish of all descriptions. H. GODENOT, Mayor.

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MISCELLANEOUS

“WHAT A COMFORT!” An Electric Iron saves so much discomfort these hot days. New Toulouse Railway & Lighting Co., phone NT-790.

FOR POISONED WOUNDS use Hanford’s Balsam of Myrrh.

ICE GOING UP. Have you noticed the daily papers lately where the price of ice has advanced even in cities where there are from 4 to 6 plants? None are charging less than 40 cts. per hundred. Not in New Toulouse will the price go up or the service be permitted to lag. The same price prevails and you also get the purest ice made, and frozen to a degree of satisfaction. Ozone Ice Co., “The Home of Honest Weight.” Telephone NT-368.

MAKE YOUR SWEETHEART a present that means profit and patriotism. Buy her a United States Liberty Bond.

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PERSONALS

I AM A VEGETARIAN, thirty years of age, tall and good-looking, with cultivated and refined tastes, correct habits in every respect, and good family connections. I reside in one of the most pleasant cities in the South, and have been successful in business. I wish a Vegetarian wife, one with dark eyes and hair, with a love of the beautiful, of music, poetry, painting, and the fine arts; and above all, a love of home, and its duties and pleasures. “CHARLES,” care Tattler.

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Classified ads are posted every Monday and are L$1 per word; fee waived for sufficiently amusing advertisements. Contact NT-668 to place an ad.

If you heard the patter of Tiny feet in New Toulouse on Saturday, you weren’t imagining it. The Tiny Social Aid and Pleasure Club held the seventh New Toulouse Tiny Dance in aid of Relay for Life. Those critters raised a staggering L$15,050 in the fight against cancer, and they had a great time doing it.

Mayor Henri Godenot and Miss RMarie Beedit were unable to attend but sent apologies together with generous donations. Among the Tinies present were Miss Eilidh McCullough, who started the ACTS team Tiny Dance tradition, team captain Olde Eldemar, who looked most dashing as a cavalier, and his co-captain and wife, Cassie Eldemar.

The DJ was once again Manfred “Owlbear” Hancroft with his “totally legit” tunes.

Our photographer was there capturing the scene as the cream of Tiny society strutted its stuff.

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Frances Lava is a Biggie and intends to stay that way. She lives in Gloryville overlooking her family tomb.

FOR SALE

BUILDING LOT in entertainment district, corner Lion Court & Pontalba, L$1,024 initial outlay for 468 LI at L$600 per week. Lazaire Bienvenu, Agent, NT-333.

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FOR RENT

RED DRUM PLACE No. 3, modern electrified rooms with balcony overlooking street. Entrance via courtyard. Suitable for office, studio, or living space. Contact Lazaire Bienvenu, Agent, NT-333.

STOREFRONT FOR RENT—#5 Pirate Alley. Contact Lazaire Bienvenu, Agent, NT-333.

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HELP WANTED

WANTED—MALE ATTENDANTS at the Louisiana Hospital for Insane, Pineville, La. For application blank, address Dr. John N. Thomas, Superintendent, Pineville, La.

COWBOYS AND COWGIRLS needed. Hard work, dangerous conditions, average pay, international travel. Must be able to Break, Rope, Ride, Pole Pirogue and Harpoon. Inquire at Perrineau’s, NT-462.

FOR EVERY L$100 a German earns, an American earns L$250. Put some of that L$250 in Kaiser-stopping United States Liberty bonds.

THE NEW TOULOUSE TATTLER seeks talented reporters, photographers, and columnists. Phone Nikita Weymann, NT-668.

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NOTICES

UNCLAIMED LETTERS remaining at Station A, New Toulouse, La., P. O., Thursday, June 8: MEN—John Amann, N. Bestow, Sidney Carr, John Henry (3), Prof. W. M. Ivory, Archie Johns, Adam M. Landry, Steavy Plash, Eddie Vincent. WOMEN—Sister Baker, Daisy Claus, Mrs. C. S. Royton, Nolia Williams. CHARLES JANVIER, P. M. JOS. W. DANIELS, Supt. Sta. A.

THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER floats more proudly over every home that buys a United States Liberty bond.

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MISCELLANEOUS

RED CROSS BALL BLUE insures snowy white beautiful clothes on washday. Buy Red Cross Blue, not just cheap liquid blue which makes your clothes greenish yellow. Red Cross Ball Blue large packages cost only 5 cents. All good grocers sell it.

WHAT WOULD GEORGE WASHINGTON or Abraham Lincoln think of the American who failed to buy United States Liberty bonds?

IT IS OFT TIMES the unexpected that happens! When unprepared the emergency frequently materializes! We are not Alarmists, only Speakers of the Truth! Do not let the fire alarm sound without a fire insurance in your hands! Mutual Independent Insurance Company, Agricola Fusilier, agt., New Toulouse, La.

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LOST & FOUND

NEW TOULOUSE STREET RAILWAY COMPANY. Persons having lost some article would do well to call up the office of the New Toulouse Street Railway Company to ascertain whether they left it in the streetcars. Many articles each day are turned in and the company is anxious to restore them to the rightful owner. Call NT-795.

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Classified ads are posted every Monday and are L$1 per word; fee waived for sufficiently amusing advertisements. Contact NT-668 to place an ad.

FOR SALE

BUILDING LOT in entertainment district, corner Lion Court & Pontalba, L$1,024 initial outlay for 468 LI at L$600 per week. Lazaire Bienvenu, Agent, NT-333.

UNITED STATES LIBERTY BONDS pay 3½ per cent interest in money and a million per cent interest in peace of mind and patriotism.

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FOR RENT

WHETHER YOU REQUIRE a modern city apartment or a dockside shack in Bayou, you may find the ideal rental property in our list on page 7.

STOREFRONT FOR RENT—#5 Pirate Alley. Contact Lazaire Bienvenu, Agent, NT-333.

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HELP WANTED

WANTED—LADIES OR MEN with rigs or automobiles to represent a Southern company. Those with selling experience preferred though not necessary. Fast selling proposition. Brand new article. Excellent pay for hustlers. Address Mr. Gregory, 160 4th Ave. N., Nashville, Tenn.

YOUR NEIGHBOR HAS BOUGHT United States Liberty Bonds. Have you?

COWBOYS AND COWGIRLS needed. Hard work, dangerous conditions, average pay, international travel. Must be able to Break, Rope, Ride, Pole Pirogue and Harpoon. Inquire at Perrineau’s, NT-462.

THE NEW TOULOUSE TATTLER seeks talented reporters, photographers, and columnists. Phone Nikita Weymann, NT-668.

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NOTICES

WHEN DEMOCRACY GOES TO WAR democracy fights that war and pays for it. That’s what the Liberty bonds are for. Will you buy your bond today?

ALL PERSONS having bills against the parish are hereby respectfully requested to present same to the Police Jury on Wednesday preceding the regular monthly meeting, otherwise these bills will not be paid until the following meeting of the Police Jury. H. Bodin, Secretary.

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MISCELLANEOUS

THE KAISER IS WAITING to hear from the sale of United States Liberty Bonds. Make your share of that loud noise. Buy today.

CLIPPING SEASON is now opened. Do you wish to have your horses & mules clipped? I will travel all over New Toulouse Parish to do Clipping at a cheap rate. William L. Clement, New Toulouse Bayou, La.

MAKE YOUR SWEETHEART a present that means profit and patriotism. Buy her a United States Liberty Bond.

“WHAT A COMFORT!” An Electric Iron saves so much discomfort these hot days. New Toulouse Railway & Lighting Co., phone NT-790.

HOW ABOUT MOTHER? Wouldn’t she be proud if you were to bring home a United States Liberty Bond in her name?

WE CAN MOVE ANYTHING, anywhere. Land, Sea, or Air, Nocturnal Aviation goes everywhere. NT-102.

MAKE GOOD for the baby’s sake. Buy a United States Liberty Bond for the littlest one, God bless him—or her.

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PERSONALS

I AM A VEGETARIAN, thirty years of age, tall and good-looking, with cultivated and refined tastes, correct habits in every respect, and good family connections. I reside in one of the most pleasant cities in the South, and have been successful in business. I wish a Vegetarian wife, one with dark eyes and hair, with a love of the beautiful, of music, poetry, painting, and the fine arts; and above all, a love of home, and its duties and pleasures. “CHARLES,” care Tattler.

MONEY MAKES the war go. Have you bought your bond?

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LOST & FOUND

LOST—ON SUNDAY, MAY 28, in Mise-en-scene or Dante’s theatres, New Toulouse, ladies’ black leather handbag, containing small sum of money, three sets of prayer beads, and other articles. Finder is requested to return to D. D. BIENVENU, New Toulouse Bayou, La.

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Classified ads are posted every Monday and are L$1 per word; fee waived for sufficiently amusing advertisements. Contact NT-668 to place an ad.

If you are in the market for a live rattlesnake, measuring almost six feet in length and with ten of the finest rattlers you ever saw, then you can get one if you hurry and write W. O. Thomas, of New Toulouse. He captured one as above described about seven miles from New Toulouse last Sunday and was trying to dispose of him here last week. Taloosters, however, did not appear to want to own the monster, due perhaps to the fact that while it was here it acted rather vicious. A large number of citizens took a look at the reptile.

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Jack Mondieu is hoping he’s a figment of his own imagination.