New Toulouse

This emergency edition of the Tattler was made possible by Mr. Lawrence James of James Ads & Signs, who kindly donated the use of his own press, as ours is currently underwater.

FREE BOURBON (AND SHELTER)
by Jack Mondieu (interim editor)

Hoping to help everyone “land on their feet,” the Krewe of Bast once again provide respite and shelter above the waterline at Spiegel Hall’s third-floor ballroom. Citizens and local rescued felines can wait out the flooding in relative comfort, with free hot coffee, food, bourbon, and cuddling. When asked about the location of Bast’s Nikita, krewe member Kristine replied, “Oh, she’ll turn up eventually, maybe a little skinnier but with plenty of lives left.”

EDITOR MISSING
by Frances Lava

As dawn broke over a storm-ravaged New Toulouse today, its weary citizens were shocked to learn that one of the city’s most prominent residents, and editor of this paper, was missing. As posters went up all over town, the question on everyone’s lips was when the flood-damaged stock sale was starting. A few people were also wondering about Miz Niki.

This reporter has learned that the editor was about to lift the lid on wide-scale corruption at City Hall. Certainly there has been a deafening silence from that quarter, especially on the subject of monies diverted from the upkeep of the levees which failed so disastrously last weekend. The mayor was not available for comment and is believed to be out of town on a hunting trip.

Where is Miz Niki? This paper is offering a generous reward for information leading to her safe return.

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

I shall account for the events of the great Caffeine airlift. I read an
article entitled “Weather or not” by Mr. Jack Mondieu. In it, he described
how “someone has bought up all the available coffee beans, and currently
there are none to be had on the open market. Look for cafe and restaurant
owners to adjust their price for a cuppa joe accordingly.” Now, the idea
of a bunch of caffeine addicted Taloosters not getting their cuppa joe is
barely less scary than Zombies down Bourbon Street. Fortunately, I happen
to have a friend whose nation is among the most reputable coffee providers
in all the Steamlands, one Callidus Weydelich. He scoffed at the idea that
would-be “Coffeosi” would try to do this, and well, he did want to repay for
all the times his shotgun fire damaged my spa. So, we set sail from Cala
Mondrago, in a warship full of Coffee.

The trip was a bit rough. I would like to say that we survived due to our
skill, but in truth, it helps when a Djinn stows away on board your ship and
can save you from crashing. We even got there in time for Salome Starsmith
to greet us with food and drink at the Severed head, which is right by port.
Bob Ellsmere, the hero of last year’s hurricane, was given Coffee so that he
might continue to provide demitasses for those weather weary Taloosters!
All in all, it was a glorious, defiant moment that showed our fair city at
its finest! Viva Nouvelle Toulouse! Viva La Demitasse!

Doctor Avalon

Editor’s note: Captain Alcide LeBlanc was successful in running from the storm and grounding his good ship ‘Calamares’ in the Bayou. The cargo was fully insured, he invites all citizens of New Toulouse to help themselves to as much coffee and bananas as they desire. To avoid waste, he recommends that no one take more than they and their immediate families and livestock can consume in a decade.

ADVERTISEMENTS

WANTED: Attractive woman who lives on the second floor or higher. Should have a non-leaky roof and be a good cook. I own a rowboat and am good with my hands. Please contact Henry Payne at Bayou #1.

DRY ROOM FOR RENT in sturdy brick building. Dock your small craft in the courtyard and head directly up to your digs. Apply at Red Drum Place #3, on Basin Street between Frog Alley and the cemetery.

DOCTOR AVALON wishes to let residents know that the third floor of Our Lady of Mercy Hospital is a Hurricane shelter! There are plenty of beds, and hot food. Do not risk becoming yet another casualty of the weather! Stay safe!, Stay dry!

The overcast, greenish sky and unusually rough water, together with yesterday’s shipping report, have made some locals worry that New Toulouse is due for some nasty weather.

According to library staff, the Kate Chopin Library has been docked in “a safer location” for the time being. Those with books due back in the next few days needn’t worry about being fined for any days when the library is unavailable.

Over a party telephone line last evening, someone predicted that “The Flood” was on its way, but it is unclear whether the speaker was an engineer with inside knowledge of the city pumping system or the prophet of some doomsday cult. But at the corner of Royal and Nightingale streets, there are already sandbags in evidence at the Institute of Liberal and Technical Learning, and who are we to argue with the liberally and technically learned?

An unusual number of small birds have been seen about the city, chirping their fool heads off about who knows what. Taloosters already plenty equipped with firearms and liquor are stocking up on still more firearms and liquor, just in case. And, presumably fueled by the report of the storm-damaged steamer Calamares and its flooded cargo of coffee and bananas, someone has bought up all the available coffee beans, and currently there are none to be had on the open market. Look for cafe and restaurant owners to adjust their price for a cuppa joe accordingly. (There is still room for a would-be banana tycoon.)

Speaking of the Calamares, a new report has come in, just as we are going to press:

• Oct. 9: Steamer Calamares, running before the storm for home port of New Toulouse with a ruined cargo and fifteen sick passengers, reports heavy winds and seas, and all pumps operating at full output. When asked for a shipboard report, radioman Tucker said, “Captain LeBlanc says, ‘No! No time for that! Hey, Gremillion, what happens if you shoot it?'”

Jack Mondieu thought the sky was falling, but it was only a sticky projectile cast off by a chirpy bird.