New Toulouse

The Mayor and all of City Hall want to thank everyone who took advantage of the beautifully mild weather last week to participate in the City’s Grand Ménage (Big Cleaning). The City has rarely looked so clean, the streets amazingly so, they look like they’ve been soaked and scrubbed and polished!

So a very special thanks to everyone who participated, and especially Captain Alcide LeBlanc, who delivered an entire shipload of free coffee and bananas to all who volunteered.

Miss Nikita Weymann, freshly returned from her vacation in St. Mary Parish, delivered a box of parts to the Mayor in the City Hall That Has Always Been There and stood outside looking in amazement at how sparklingly clean and fresh and dry the City had become in her absence.

So thank you! The Mayor and City Hall hope that when you drink a cup of free coffee as you sit outside in our beautiful city, admiring the freshly polished streets and enveloped in the fragrant smells of citrus and ligustrum, that you enjoy your beautiful city, and thank your neighbors for their help and hard work that went into this year’s Grand Ménage.

From City Hall,

Henri Godenot,

The Mayor

Henri Godenot is the mayor of New Toulouse.

This emergency edition of the Tattler was made possible by Mr. Lawrence James of James Ads & Signs, who kindly donated the use of his own press, as ours is currently underwater.

FREE BOURBON (AND SHELTER)
by Jack Mondieu (interim editor)

Hoping to help everyone “land on their feet,” the Krewe of Bast once again provide respite and shelter above the waterline at Spiegel Hall’s third-floor ballroom. Citizens and local rescued felines can wait out the flooding in relative comfort, with free hot coffee, food, bourbon, and cuddling. When asked about the location of Bast’s Nikita, krewe member Kristine replied, “Oh, she’ll turn up eventually, maybe a little skinnier but with plenty of lives left.”

EDITOR MISSING
by Frances Lava

As dawn broke over a storm-ravaged New Toulouse today, its weary citizens were shocked to learn that one of the city’s most prominent residents, and editor of this paper, was missing. As posters went up all over town, the question on everyone’s lips was when the flood-damaged stock sale was starting. A few people were also wondering about Miz Niki.

This reporter has learned that the editor was about to lift the lid on wide-scale corruption at City Hall. Certainly there has been a deafening silence from that quarter, especially on the subject of monies diverted from the upkeep of the levees which failed so disastrously last weekend. The mayor was not available for comment and is believed to be out of town on a hunting trip.

Where is Miz Niki? This paper is offering a generous reward for information leading to her safe return.

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

I shall account for the events of the great Caffeine airlift. I read an
article entitled “Weather or not” by Mr. Jack Mondieu. In it, he described
how “someone has bought up all the available coffee beans, and currently
there are none to be had on the open market. Look for cafe and restaurant
owners to adjust their price for a cuppa joe accordingly.” Now, the idea
of a bunch of caffeine addicted Taloosters not getting their cuppa joe is
barely less scary than Zombies down Bourbon Street. Fortunately, I happen
to have a friend whose nation is among the most reputable coffee providers
in all the Steamlands, one Callidus Weydelich. He scoffed at the idea that
would-be “Coffeosi” would try to do this, and well, he did want to repay for
all the times his shotgun fire damaged my spa. So, we set sail from Cala
Mondrago, in a warship full of Coffee.

The trip was a bit rough. I would like to say that we survived due to our
skill, but in truth, it helps when a Djinn stows away on board your ship and
can save you from crashing. We even got there in time for Salome Starsmith
to greet us with food and drink at the Severed head, which is right by port.
Bob Ellsmere, the hero of last year’s hurricane, was given Coffee so that he
might continue to provide demitasses for those weather weary Taloosters!
All in all, it was a glorious, defiant moment that showed our fair city at
its finest! Viva Nouvelle Toulouse! Viva La Demitasse!

Doctor Avalon

Editor’s note: Captain Alcide LeBlanc was successful in running from the storm and grounding his good ship ‘Calamares’ in the Bayou. The cargo was fully insured, he invites all citizens of New Toulouse to help themselves to as much coffee and bananas as they desire. To avoid waste, he recommends that no one take more than they and their immediate families and livestock can consume in a decade.

ADVERTISEMENTS

WANTED: Attractive woman who lives on the second floor or higher. Should have a non-leaky roof and be a good cook. I own a rowboat and am good with my hands. Please contact Henry Payne at Bayou #1.

DRY ROOM FOR RENT in sturdy brick building. Dock your small craft in the courtyard and head directly up to your digs. Apply at Red Drum Place #3, on Basin Street between Frog Alley and the cemetery.

DOCTOR AVALON wishes to let residents know that the third floor of Our Lady of Mercy Hospital is a Hurricane shelter! There are plenty of beds, and hot food. Do not risk becoming yet another casualty of the weather! Stay safe!, Stay dry!

Carter Denja returns to Fifolet this Saturday, September 12, with a delectable selection of food-themed music for your enjoyment.

With her vast collection of international recordings, attending one of her shows is like taking a trip around the world. She is plenty familiar with local music as well, having acted as master of ceremonies for many a New Toulouse parade during Carnival time.

“Feast Your Ears” will also feature a food trivia game, freshly concocted by Nikita Weymann, with prizes provided by Look What the Cat Dragged In.

Just a few steps southeast of the Bayou rail depot, the venue is bohemian in nature, and the show will take place out of doors. While wearing ballroom finery will raise no eyebrows, you may wish to turn out in something more comfortable.

The party begins at 1:00 PM.

Gigi Lapin lives in New Toulouse Bayou with her pet crawfish, Jimbo.

When I finally got out of bed this evening and took a stroll in the city, I found Miss Nikita at the land office staring at all the unopened mail. She slipped me the following comment with a scowl on her face: “I’m not opening all this mail! And Yvonne is on vacation too. Hey look, this envelope is stamped OPEN IMMEDIATELY, CONTAINS BRIBE.”

Not only will the mayor have lots of work on his hands when he returns from lazy time, but he might also get a little shock. Jimmeh closed his cinema and went traveling, and instead we have got a lovely psychic cafe and curiosity shop in that spot, run by the Whitefalcons. In fact, the whole block has changed.

If this arouses Mayor Godenot’s curiosity over what else is new in the city, he might also notice the Cuban lady ZunZun Clarity’s guest exhibition at Azucar Gallery.

When I met the artist, she told me that she mixes in her own art with well-known art from Cuba, but the audience has to guess which art is hers. I have no idea how long this exhibition is going on, so if the mayor does not see it while checking up on his city, he may miss it.

It must be fun and exhausting to be mayor in a city that changes a lot over just a few days, and also very exciting. I find it interesting, anyway. Every day here is like an adventure.

The Ghost of Liza Veliz fell in love with New Toulouse at first sight. She publishes books by various authors; find them at her reading cafe on Shotgun Row.

It has been quiet in the City of late: the beloved Screaming Head which has long resided at the aptly named Severed Head public house has been silent. Wild rumors (unusual in New Toulouse) swept the city. Some suggested pirates from Winterfell or New Babbage. Others whispered darkly of sabotage and a sinister underground movement. The most chilling suggestion of all was that the Head had been lost in a Linden Rolling Restart.

It takes a lot to stir the average Talooster, especially after a heavy Friday night, but on Saturday, August 30, angry citizens finally took action and matters came to a head as a mob gathered outside the pub, demanding the return of this most iconic of artifacts.

A certain amount of confusion reigned, especially among the gentlemen present, who seemed to think they were taking part in a Lonely Hearts gathering. Mr. Aodhan of New Toulouse Bayou, wearing a fetching red beret, mentioned that he can be contacted on NT-207 (call collect if necessary). Miss Frannie Alva, who had been partaking freely of liquid refreshments, seemed a little confused too, as she was exhorting everyone to “Save da [sic] Krakens.” A laudable sentiment indeed, but given Mayor Godenot’s assertion that krakens do not exist, somewhat pointless.

Miss Maggie Hawksby, in the spirit of true comradeship, said she was only there because she loved her fellow-citizens but that she had been “about ready to put the root on that head myself.”

Miz Niki had been present at the start of the rally but disappeared about halfway through. Her place was taken by a mysterious unknown woman who bore her an uncanny resemblance.

The assembled crowd was in high spirits when Miz Salome Starsmith, proprietress of the Severed Head and present guardian of the Screaming Head, announced that the Head had been found. In a short but moving ceremony Miz Salome drew aside a dirty tarpaulin and revealed the Head.

Taloosters have endured sleepless nights of worry. Now they can once again endure sleepless nights because of the screaming coming from the Severed Head. All is well in the Big Sleazy.

Caricia Wellesley is a native of Caledon. From time to time she breaks free of the constraints of Caledon life (and her corsets) and gets down and dirty in New Toulouse.

Surrealists gathered in Spiegel Hall Saturday to celebrate the first annual Surrealist Ball, sponsored by the Krewe of Bast. Guests arriving were announced by the Great Big Eye at the entrance shouting, “Has anybody seen my gal?”

Krewe members had transformed the auditorium into a phantasmagorical tableau in which the attendees in fantastical garb cavorted, engaged in wordplay, and sampled from the extraordinary buffet provided by Kristine Jinx-Kristan. The food, while often inedible, was often quite audible; for example, an amuse-bouche called “Two Matches. One New, One Burned. Garnished with Mint,” said when prompted, “The sisters of St. Cathode ask that you cover yourself with filaments and take pains to make yourself fully incandescent this evening.”

By popular demand, the decorations will remain up for the coming week, and persons wishing to take home the buffet may do so by consulting the poster on the table.

Nikita Weymann led a game of Exquisite Corpse, asking individuals for words. “And then,” she said, “I will glue them all together and feed them to a snail.” Game participants were Alterego Mee, RMarie Beedit, Kristine Jinx-Kristan, Liza Veliz, Gamaliel, Dr. Avalon, Francesca Alva, Crispin Sturges, Harley Mihnea, Carter Denja, Ghosty Kips, Eilidh McCullough, Maggie Hawksby, Pazzo Pestana, and Gragarth, who together produced the following three sentences, each contained in a snail that is still obtainable in the Spiegel Hall auditorium:

The oblivious feather hungrily leaned the laggy tea.

The ugsome pineapple mindlessly wobbled the delicious elbow.

DJ Ghosty Kips supplied a gloriously madcap set of meticulously mapped-out music to the cheering congregation. “Please hold your tomatoes,” he entreated, warning of an upcoming song. “Hold your friend’s tomatoes if necessary.” At least two persons metamorphosed into the delicious nightshade fruit in response.

“Oh no, I spent half an hour getting dressed,” said Ohdearme Ohmai. “I’m not changing into a tomato yet.”

Photo credits: Kristine Jinx-Kristan, Henri Godenot.

See more photos here and here.

A. Flyonthewall is rarely this loquacious.

Pictured are Nikita Weymann, Gigi Lapin, and me. We sit among some of the prizes you can get at the Post-Storm Pirate Booty Hunt that runs till September 1 in New Toulouse.

Last night was the hunt kickoff pub crawl, in which we enjoyed rum and went around to all the places where treasure chests are to be found. So much stuff washed ashore during the last hurricane that Taloosters have made these chests to get rid of it. The pub crawl was so much fun, but today I am completely exhausted. So I went to see Niki at her house on the bayou, and Gigi joined us, and I showed them some of my treasures.

The lovely little frog on the barrel, the washed-up trellis bench, and the junk shop lawn chair are from Noctis. The vampire gentleman and the zombie head trophy are from Harley’s Hotel. The zombie is wearing a black leather beret from the Old Spanish Stable.

Dare Munro’s book Musings in the Dark is published by my very own company, Darker Shadow Productions, and you get it from the Ghost of Liza Veliz Books & Poems at La Coquette. The book chaise Niki is lounging on is from Galerie Shotgun/Argonaut Travel on Shotgun Road.The kraken-themed rugs are from Look What the Cat Dragged In, #2 Spiegel Hall. The candle bowls are from Grimalkin Workshop in the bayou. Look out for bats—just saying.

The Paradiso Firepit is from Lei’s Café on the Bayou. The Poe’s Raven plushie I’m holding is from Ravenwood Arts & Curios on Shotgun Road. Do I need to mention that it says “Nevermore” when you touch it?

I am wearing the fish hat that Francesca Alva designed and put in her chest at the Green-Eyed Fairy for scurvy knaves to find. There’s a version for tinies too! To be totally honest, I was expecting us all to turn into fish people when the flood after the hurricane took so long to dry up, so I enjoy this cute hat very much. It is hilarious to watch it cuddle people as if it wants to eat them when they sit on my lap.

You should totally do this hunt! There are so many fun treasures in those chests that you can find all over the city and bayou. If you are feeling lazy, you can always use the list of treasure spots.

The start of the pub crawl, at the Still House Tavern

The Ghost of Liza Veliz fell in love with New Toulouse at first sight. She publishes books by various authors; find them at her reading cafe on Shotgun Row.

Krewe Bayou took the Mama Cree on a trip around the world Saturday without leaving the Missedabracket. The krewe rented the riverboat for a Gumbo Society fundraiser with music, dancing, trivia, prizes, and more.

DJ Carter Denja kept the crowd on its feet with a set composed of international covers of well-known tunes—the more obscure, the better. Miss Nikita Weymann presided over a spring-themed trivia contest that covered topics from fine art to animal anatomy (really), with cash prizes awarded to everyone who correctly answered a question.

Mama herself got dressed up for the party—members of the krewe decorated the boat with flowers, lanterns, lights, and banners. There was a full bar on the top deck, and a buffet table with delicious shrimp gumbo in honor of the Gumbo Society. 

The night ended with a spectacular fireworks display provided by Miss Karima Hoisan, and the last revelers were seen shooting flares off the deck long after the party had ended.

The final tally raised for the Gumbo Society is not complete—the riverboat decorations and the donation kiosk on the middle deck will be up all week for residents who missed the festivities and would like to contribute. Gumbo Society donations benefit the RL Second Harvest Food Bank of New Orleans. For more information, visit the Second Harvest website.

Krewe Bayou will be hosting more events between now and next year’s Mardi Gras parade. Other krewes interested in renting the Mama Cree for parties, fundraisers, recruiting drives, or other shenanigans can contact Yvonne Follet at .

 
Photos courtesy of Miss Maggie Hawksby.

Jane Moreaux keeps all four eyes on New Toulouse.

Returning today after a nice visit with family up north, I was just in time for the Krewe Bayou meeting at the Fairy. After the meeting, I was made to understand that my own newspaper has published articles containing wild rumors regarding my absence.

I hear that Mayor Godenot paid some sort of bogus ransom for my unkidnapped self, and that soon after, some rabbit bought every last alligator pear in town.

I have not been made into pie, but I do have what looks like a good recipe for rabbit pie, which I would like to share with Miss Lapin. If anyone sees her, please let me know where she is, as I would also like to get back the spare set of keys for the Tattler building (and never, ever leave them in her charge again).

Nikita Weymann is the editor of the New Toulouse Tattler. She would make a terrible ingredient for pie.