New Toulouse got a very strange visit on Monday that has left residents scratching their heads (and possibly anything else they can reach). Ms. Sister Butta, a cousin of private investigator Trolley Trollop, was doing some housekeeping at the TNT Detective Agency when an individual showed up and claimed to be the infamous Tunnel Man, who Ms. Trollop says is responsible for the fates of several missing young women.
The visitor says he’s one of the good guys. “He claims he was sent by Scotland Yard to teach Trolley a lesson,” Ms. Butta said. “He was very curt with me.”
The individual claiming to be Tunnel Man then stormed out of the detective agency and headed down the street. A startled Ms. Butta managed to get this photo of him with a zoom lens.
His progress down the street attracted a small crowd—most of whom watched from their windows and called their neighbors on the phone. The individual went on to say that he was not a murderer and that Ms. Trollop’s confidential informant “Deep Tonsils” had framed him. “Have you found any bodies?” he asked. “No. And you won’t.” He maintained that he was in town on official business for Scotland Yard, but he refused to say more on that topic. He did, however, have quite a bit to say about Ms. Trollop’s suitability as a private investigator.
“It is impossible for a woman to be a detective,” he asserted. “They should stay home and have babies.”
He was interrupted in this rant by Ms. Liza Veliz, who (being a ghost already) wasn’t afraid of him, regardless of whom he claimed to be. She gave the so-called Tunnel Man a banana. He gratefully finished it before telling anyone within earshot that women should “stick to their knitting” and leave the detecting to men.
He said he was going to go retrieve his mining equipment because Ms. Trollop was “too stupid” to find it. Still not sure if this was a prankster or a murderer, or just a mouthy monkey, a couple of residents attempted to phone the police but got no immediate answer. Someone helpfully suggested that this so-called Tunnel Man should look for Ms. Trollop in the bayou, near Swamp Manor, but left out the part about it being an area infested with zombies. The visitor took off in that direction.
Witnesses to the incident are still debating its significance; for one thing, a misogynistic monkey bears little resemblance to the tale told by Ms. Trollop of a suave British gentleman who smelled of lavender and lured away attractive young girls to be his brides. Some residents of the city and bayou don’t believe there is such a person, and they say there are more mundane explanations for missing young ladies.
“I can’t believe they have all just run off. It’s not logical,” said Ms. Butta, citing heartbroken relatives who hope for their daughters and nieces to return. “But I guess anything is possible here.”
In the meantime, Ms. Trollop told a neighbor that she’d received a letter that smelled of lavender but she hadn’t opened it yet. Some residents have taken up a search—whether for an actual Tunnel Man or a depraved attention-seeker capitalizing on the infamy of a local legend, no one is quite sure. Even Ms. Maggie Hawksby’s goat, Trollbait, went wading through the bayou, looking for clues.
So far, the searches have turned up nothing—no Tunnel Man, no mysterious visitor, and no bodies of missing women or zombie victims.
If a zombie ate a monkey brain, I asked police chief Pazzo Pestana, would it get a hairball? He answered, “Only if the zombie were a cat while it was alive.”
Photos courtesy of Ms. Sister Butta, Ms. Liza Veliz, and Ms. Maggie Hawksby.
Jane Moreaux keeps all four eyes on New Toulouse.