New Toulouse

Aries (March 21–April 19)
How many roads must a man walk down? At least one more. Start walking.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you poison ivy, don’t make tea.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)
You are in complete control of your destiny. You should let someone else drive for a while, you’re not doing a very good job.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)
This is a time when emotion trumps reason. Stop thinking about it and jump in with both feet.

Leo (July 23–August 22)
If you have to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance!

Virgo (August 23–September 22)
Be more empathetic. In a confrontation, try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. And if you succeed, run away, because hey, more shoes!

Libra (September 23–October 22)
You will meet a tall, dark stranger. Unless you avoid almost everyone. You get to choose.

Scorpio (October 23–November 21)
Before lashing out in anger, count to ten. Then push off the back foot, rotate your hips, and punch with your whole body. Preferably at the solar plexus or the point of the chin. If that doesn’t work, execute your exit plan.

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)
Rest your mind, exercise your body. Or the other way around. One of these is sure to work.

Capricorn (December 22–January 19)
This is not your best month. Stay indoors, don’t touch metal, keep your hands in your pockets.

Aquarius (January 20–February 18)
When the moon is in the seventh house, and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planets, and love will steer the stars. Sounds beautiful, doesn’t it? But it’s not yours. Your horoscope belongs to Scorpio this month. That’s kind of selfish of Scorpio, taking two horoscopes while you have none.

Pisces (February 19–March 20)
There is a moment in your future like a bright shining light. A singular moment so bright, it hides everything else. Don’t go to the light! Run, run away. Because how will you ever top that?

Budro Boudreaux-Golly has done this before. At least twice.

Aries (March 21–April 19)
You will meet a tall, dark stranger with a tweed suit, a diamond stickpin, and argyle socks. Run from him, run!

Taurus (April 20–May 20)
The midwife and family at your birth had a greater gravitational effect on you than Jupiter does. In your next rebirth, see if you can arrange for your aunt to stand just a little more to the left.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)
The time is right for that big leap you were planning. Try not to flub the landing this time.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)
Love is in the air, but the winds have blown it out past the Bayou. Better luck next time.

Leo (July 23–August 22)
It’s your day! You have worked hard and risen to the top! On this day you are the brightest, wittiest, warmest person in the room! Tomorrow you take your place at the bottom of the stack again.

Virgo (August 23–September 22)
Ignore what those little voices in your head are telling you. They don’t know anything. Get all of your life advice from a trusted source like the Tattler.

Libra (September 23–October 22)
This week will be difficult. No two ways about it. Spend as much time as you can in bed.

Scorpio (October 23–November 21)
Today is the big day. Avoid the Big House! Remember, if you don’t talk, you’ll probably walk. Deny everything.

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)
The number that applies to you is 9. No one knows why. Good luck with that, we hope.

Capricorn (December 22–January 19)
You’re a Capricorn, start acting like it.

Aquarius (January 20–February 18)
Everything about your love life will change today. Hopefully you’re not happy now.

Pisces (February 19–March 20)
Mercury is in your sock drawer. Communication, intellect and awareness are yours, at least until you reopen that drawer.

The Sun is on its seventy-fifth orbit around Budro Boudreaux-Golly.

Do these dates look strange? The heavens have shifted quite a bit in the last 2,500 years due to precession, the top-like wobble of the Earth. These dates correspond to modern life, the dates where our sun is in the listed constellation. But what’s a little precision between friends? So if you don’t like your fortune, try the one next to it. Except for you Ophiuchans. Because you guys are on your own.

Aries (April 18–May 13)
Today’s the day! Consider a nice funeral plot.

Taurus (May 13–June 21)
You will meet a tall, dark stranger. Run, run like the wind.

Gemini (June 21–July 20)
Today is your Opposite Day. Ponder all decisions carefully, then do the exact opposite of what your gut tells you to do. If you meet your opposite, run, run like the wind.

Cancer (July 20–August 10)
Astrology is based on the belief that everyone born in the same month will be plagued with the same horrible fate. Keep that in mind if you share the birthday of a martyred saint.

Leo (August 10–September 16)
Gambling today would be a bad idea. So don’t gamble on Wall Street. Don’t even gamble on crossing the street.

Virgo (September 16–October 30)
For some reason you have the exact same horoscope as Aquarius. Maybe your birthday is wrong, or maybe you shouldn’t have been in such a hurry.

Libra (October 30–November 23)
Count your blessings, not your losses. You can try to count your losses, but you’ll probably have to do it from memory.

Scorpio (November 23–November 29)
Don’t even think about it.

Ophiuchus (November 29–December 17)
Wear your fastest shoes today. And something fireproof. You might even want to carry a small, slow, disposable dog.

Sagittarius (December 17–January 20)
You’ll want to stay in bed all day. This obviously has logistical difficulties. Plan ahead.

Capricorn (January 20–February 16)
It’s your day! Report to the reeducation center before 6:00 AM.

Aquarius (February 16–March 11)
Today is a mother. A very fertile one. Today will have literally thousands of offspring. I hope you like today, because those offspring will be just like their mom.

Pisces (March 11–April 18)
If you have access to a time machine, you’ll want to skip Friday completely. See you on Saturday! And it you don’t have a time machine, it’s been fun.

The Sun is on its seventy-fifth orbit around Budro Boudreaux-Golly.