Aries (March 21–April 19)
How many roads must a man walk down? At least one more. Start walking.
Taurus (April 20–May 20)
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you poison ivy, don’t make tea.
Gemini (May 21–June 20)
You are in complete control of your destiny. You should let someone else drive for a while, you’re not doing a very good job.
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
This is a time when emotion trumps reason. Stop thinking about it and jump in with both feet.
Leo (July 23–August 22)
If you have to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance!
Virgo (August 23–September 22)
Be more empathetic. In a confrontation, try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. And if you succeed, run away, because hey, more shoes!
Libra (September 23–October 22)
You will meet a tall, dark stranger. Unless you avoid almost everyone. You get to choose.
Scorpio (October 23–November 21)
Before lashing out in anger, count to ten. Then push off the back foot, rotate your hips, and punch with your whole body. Preferably at the solar plexus or the point of the chin. If that doesn’t work, execute your exit plan.
Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)
Rest your mind, exercise your body. Or the other way around. One of these is sure to work.
Capricorn (December 22–January 19)
This is not your best month. Stay indoors, don’t touch metal, keep your hands in your pockets.
Aquarius (January 20–February 18)
When the moon is in the seventh house, and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planets, and love will steer the stars. Sounds beautiful, doesn’t it? But it’s not yours. Your horoscope belongs to Scorpio this month. That’s kind of selfish of Scorpio, taking two horoscopes while you have none.
Pisces (February 19–March 20)
There is a moment in your future like a bright shining light. A singular moment so bright, it hides everything else. Don’t go to the light! Run, run away. Because how will you ever top that?
Budro Boudreaux-Golly has done this before. At least twice.