My Stars

by Nikita Weymann on April 16th, 2015

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Do these dates look strange? The heavens have shifted quite a bit in the last 2,500 years due to precession, the top-like wobble of the Earth. These dates correspond to modern life, the dates where our sun is in the listed constellation. But what’s a little precision between friends? So if you don’t like your fortune, try the one next to it. Except for you Ophiuchans. Because you guys are on your own.

Aries (April 18–May 13)
Today’s the day! Consider a nice funeral plot.

Taurus (May 13–June 21)
You will meet a tall, dark stranger. Run, run like the wind.

Gemini (June 21–July 20)
Today is your Opposite Day. Ponder all decisions carefully, then do the exact opposite of what your gut tells you to do. If you meet your opposite, run, run like the wind.

Cancer (July 20–August 10)
Astrology is based on the belief that everyone born in the same month will be plagued with the same horrible fate. Keep that in mind if you share the birthday of a martyred saint.

Leo (August 10–September 16)
Gambling today would be a bad idea. So don’t gamble on Wall Street. Don’t even gamble on crossing the street.

Virgo (September 16–October 30)
For some reason you have the exact same horoscope as Aquarius. Maybe your birthday is wrong, or maybe you shouldn’t have been in such a hurry.

Libra (October 30–November 23)
Count your blessings, not your losses. You can try to count your losses, but you’ll probably have to do it from memory.

Scorpio (November 23–November 29)
Don’t even think about it.

Ophiuchus (November 29–December 17)
Wear your fastest shoes today. And something fireproof. You might even want to carry a small, slow, disposable dog.

Sagittarius (December 17–January 20)
You’ll want to stay in bed all day. This obviously has logistical difficulties. Plan ahead.

Capricorn (January 20–February 16)
It’s your day! Report to the reeducation center before 6:00 AM.

Aquarius (February 16–March 11)
Today is a mother. A very fertile one. Today will have literally thousands of offspring. I hope you like today, because those offspring will be just like their mom.

Pisces (March 11–April 18)
If you have access to a time machine, you’ll want to skip Friday completely. See you on Saturday! And it you don’t have a time machine, it’s been fun.


The Sun is on its seventy-fifth orbit around Budro Boudreaux-Golly.

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