Archive for September, 2014

Patchwork project celebrates community

by on Tuesday, September 30th, 2014

ari-quiltersA new club in town wants to square things with you. Specifically, the New Toulouse Quilters Association wants your square.

“The idea is to create a quilt using squares donated by residents,” said Ms. Arijah Ankh Khalid-Zyn of the New Toulouse Christmas quilt project. “Each square should represent something personal or inspiring to you. Ideally, these would be things representing your business, hobbies, interests, or life here in New Toulouse.”

The deadline for contributions is November 30, after which the squares will be stitched together into Christmas gift quilts for the people of New Toulouse. Find details on how to participate in the mayor’s multipurpose room at the land office.


Gigi Lapin is still looking for her pet crawfish, Jimbo.

Classifieds

by on Monday, September 29th, 2014

WANTED

HELP WANTED—The New Toulouse Tattler seeks reporters, photographers, and columnists. Interested parties please contact Nikita Weymann, NT-668.


SITUATIONS WANTED

STENOGRAPHER—Young man. Dislikes to work but in need of money. Want a job with very little or no work and a big salary. Write Tattler A-3.


FOR SALE

LARGE PARCEL OF LAND on the old bayou road, directly across from the train depot. Excellent visibility; would be ideal for a business. Inquire at Bayou #12 or telephone NT-565.

YOU COULD BE DEAD for a long time, so selecting the right address is of grave consequence. Why not choose burial plot #1 at the St. Louis Cemetery?

CEMETERY PLOTS—peace of mind free with every purchase. St. Louis Cemetery, New Toulouse.

KANSAS ALFALFA FARMS—We have them of most any size; also grain farms and stock ranches; Lyon county is in the lead; crops were never better. Write us. Morley & Staats, Emporia, Kan.


MISCELLANEOUS

ENJOY OUTDOOR GAMES without fear of freckles or sunburn. If your face should get tanned or freckled use Wilson’s Freckle Cream as “first aid to an injured complexion.” This Toilet Cream Is Guaranteed to Remove Freckles, Pimples, Sunburn, Moth or Tan without the slightest chance of injury. The woman who cares for her beauty uses it. Sold at all drug stores.

TIRED! Are you tired? run down? nervous? Is everything you do an effort? No! It is not laziness. You are ill. Your system needs a tonic. Your Stomach, Kidneys and Liver need stirring up. Nothing will do this better than Electric Bitters. L$1 at all druggists.


LOST & FOUND

LOST—Beloved pet crawfish, answers to the name of Jimbo. Last seen by the city docks, when I took him for his backwards walk. Contact Gigi Lapin, NT-777.

LOST—Chain off of truck in southeast New Toulouse. Please notify E. Varnish, Crawdy’s.


Classified ads are posted every Monday and are L$1 per word. No advertisement taken for less than L$25. Contact NT-668 to place an ad.

Finding New Toulouse

by on Sunday, September 28th, 2014

Before I moved to New Toulouse that October five years ago, my name wasn’t RMarie Beedit. In fact, it wasn’t anything at all yet. You see, I only grabbed this moniker hastily so I could procure a train ticket.

My first stop was in an empty city. The city was full of steel and asphalt and underground tunnels, and it was named Manhattan Island. The only two beings I encountered there were inside of a small house. They were reptilian creatures sitting together on a couch in front of a glowing box, chatting in a mysterious language. They never said anything to me. I lurked hopefully in front of that house on a patch of pavement with a fetid pool next to it. There was a mattress on the ground there, where I slept a few nights before catching another train.

For a while I bounced from city to city. The Imperial City, Old New York, Athens, Rivendell. During this time my dreams felt like a pitch-dark cave where a distant drip echoes. “Where is the drip? Should I try to find it?”

In every city at that time, I noticed one commonality other than the occasional drive-bys by hucksters and oafs: Halloween decorations. It was as though all the cities had held a formal confab in the sky and agreed that Halloween is a universal cause for celebration and vividness. I was always greeted by herky-jerky ghosts and skeletons, fat orange glowing pumpkins, fall leaves, and hooting owls, all placed with such care or even zeal—but never by people. Little bats flitted out and surprised this lone explorer in a rush of warm, mad company. Someone was indeed here, and someone will be here again, but nobody is here now. And it’s going to be Halloween. Where are you going?

Finally my shoes wore out. I decided to gel my identity a bit more by looking for some long-lasting duds. Perhaps a hat as well, to ward against those wayward drips. I landed at the Curious Seamstress in New Toulouse. At that moment, it was an empty city too. But the original green Tarantula Arms with its rows of tiny, stuffy striped rooms was a comfort. I imagined a lonely working girl or fellow in each of them—Americana, a touch of squalor, an urban box; it was nearly like a real home I sometimes knew. 

One fine morning in New Toulouse as I practiced walking down the street in my Daughter of Shanghai getup. I noticed someone quickly scurrying out of a building: a dapper fellow with round glasses. “Hello!” he called, rushing toward me.

“Good morning,” I said back.

He shuffled along, tipping his hat, and asked, “Would you like to have coffee?”

It was the first time in two weeks, since getting on that first train, that I encountered somebody sentient and without apparent diabolical intentions. We had coffee, we rode an airship, and I was home. 
halloween_beedit
Here’s to our kind mayor, who greeted this wayward soul five years ago. And to a happy Halloween!


RMarie Beedit is the proprietor of Argonaut Travel on Shotgun Row in New Toulouse, and of Weeds, across the street.

Classifieds

by on Monday, September 22nd, 2014

WANTED

WANTED—Ladies to introduce a line of high grade toilet requisites, flavorings and specialties; good opportunity for willing worker; exclusive territory; full particulars on application; no capital required. Lock box 128, Philadelphia, Pa.

HELP WANTED—The New Toulouse Tattler seeks reporters, photographers, and columnists. Interested parties please contact Nikita Weymann, NT-668.


SITUATIONS WANTED

BE A LIVE ONE. Call on Percy Morris for quick service, he hauls all kinds of freight, lumber, trunks, etc.

WANTED TO SHARPEN—Scissors, Shears, all kinds of Razor Blades and all Edged Tools. Charles Lafleur.


FOR SALE

MY WIFE is making me sell my motorcycle. 1911 Indian Single, magneto ignition, Hedstrom carburetor. Please don’t call NT-872.

NEW CYPRESS CISTERN. Capacity, 4000 gallons. Dimensions, 9×9. Apply to or address BEROT & BAIRD, Plumbers, New Toulouse, La.

CEMETERY PLOTS—peace of mind free with every purchase. St. Louis Cemetery, New Toulouse.


LOST & FOUND

LOST—Beloved pet crawfish, answers to the name of Jimbo. Last seen by the city docks, when I took him for his backwards walk. Contact Gigi Lapin, NT-777.


Classified ads are posted every Monday and are L$1 per word. No advertisement taken for less than L$25. Contact Nikita Weymann to place an ad.

The Curious Ghost

by on Saturday, September 20th, 2014

the-curious-ghost

I went to talk to the lonely guy at the customs shack by the docks. I was wondering what he thinks about all the time when he’s at work. He told me amazing things.

“Yesterday,” he said, “I saw a merman swimming by. When I asked him where he was going, he said nothing. Maybe fishmen don’t have ears.”

He looked off into the middle distance. “One time I saw a naked couple arguing in the French Market. They were not open for conversation either. In fact, you are the first one to talk to me, about anything other than cargo, in a while,” he said, smiling.
custom-guy
“For a while there were girls coming to the docks and dressing up for parties, as if this were their boudoir. Well, I didn’t mind.” He smirked and drew his hand over his cheek. “But then they didn’t come back anymore. I guess they found a better place to change clothes.”

He said, “That Jack crawls by sometimes when he’s had too much whiskey—that’s pretty fun to watch. And the little silent frog lady in her very nice outfit, she is fun too. She dances. Other than that, nothing much happens around here. But thanks for asking.” He smiled and went back to reading his book.


The Ghost of Liza Veliz fell in love with New Toulouse at first sight. She publishes books by various authors; find them at her reading cafe on Shotgun Row.

Classifieds

by on Monday, September 15th, 2014

WANTED

BURLESQUE dancers wanted. Just stop at the Havana Rose, #31 Rossignol, and begin your performance.

HELP WANTED—The New Toulouse Tattler seeks reporters, photographers, and columnists. Interested parties please contact Nikita Weymann, NT-668.


FOR RENT

(RENTED) STOREFRONT FOR RENT, on the streetcar line, with nice view of Laveau Square. Inquire at Pirate Alley #6, New Toulouse.


FOR SALE

CEMETERY PLOTS—peace of mind free with every purchase. St. Louis Cemetery, New Toulouse.


MISCELLANEOUS

FLUSTERED by frankenfluff? Harried by hypertrichosis? You can’t afford not to try Poupard’s Peerless Depilatory. Simply slather on the soothing salve—in seconds, unwanted hair is a thing of the past. Get it at all good pharmacies—ask for it by name.

STILL HOUSE SALOON dinner special for this week: Red Beans & Rice, Egg Custard Pie, and always ribs and cornbread. #8 Shotgun Row.

ARGUING accomodated at the alley between the church and La Coquette. Come be fierce!


LOST & FOUND

LOST—Beloved Pet Crawfish, answers to the name of Jimbo. Last seen by the city docks, when I took him for his backwards walk. Contact Gigi Lapin, NT-777.


Classified ads are posted every Monday and are L$1 per word. No advertisement taken for less than L$25. Contact Nikita Weymann to place an ad.

Police Blotter

by on Saturday, September 13th, 2014

Peeping Jenny
A mysterious woman has stricken terror in two households in New Toulouse by suddenly appearing at the window and fixing each person with a piercing gaze before gliding away slowly. “Peeping Jenny” has snow-white hair and a pale, drawn countenance, and she is believed to be a maniac. Women and children of the neighborhood she infests are keeping close indoors after nightfall and the men admit that they are not feeling any too cheerful over her visits.

Quagmire Canoodling
A man and woman necking on the romantic west bayou ferry dock were advised by locals to sit on another portion of the dock, as the part they were on is notorious for splinters.

Unreal Reptile
On Monday a Triceratops definitely did not arrive in town by riverboat, get hit by a streetcar, or take a ferry across the river, because the herbivorous dinosaur became extinct 66 million years ago.

His business is making yours look good

by on Thursday, September 11th, 2014

james-outdoors
Lawrence James has had many different jobs in his life, but he always wanted to be an artist.

“There’s that hope in the back of your mind that you’re going to get to make a living doing something you love,” he acknowledged. “But in the meantime there’s a ‘Help Wanted’ sign at a restaurant, or a guy offering to pay you to load freight, and so you take the work that you can get.”

Mr. James got his break when he overheard a city official lamenting the need for a sign advertising an upcoming event.

“I was new in town, renting this sad little room at the old Tarantula Arms,” he explained. “I thought, ‘I can do that,’ so I offered. One sign led to another, eventually word got around, and now I have fairly steady work.”
james-at-work
Mr. James runs James Ads & Signs out of his apartment at Red Drum Place, where he does custom work for businesses and events. His work has appeared in the Tattler, around town, and in places he’s never been.
“I had a client who wanted a poster for a party she said she was having on another planet,” he laughed. “Really nice lady, great client—I didn’t ask too many questions, and she was happy with the poster, so it all worked out.”

To his surprise, doing commercial art has improved his skills more than he anticipated.

“When you start out, you think, ‘Oh, when I’m a real artist, I’ll have the luxury to do whatever inspires me, and people will buy it because they like it,'” he said. “But when somebody else is paying me to represent their business, and they have a vision I’d never come up with myself, that challenges me to think a different way and learn something new.”

Having a regular income has also given him the freedom to pursue his own ideas, and he’s been overwhelmed by how supportive New Toulouse has been. To illustrate, he told a story about a project where he put himself in danger to take photos in a zombie-infested area of the bayou. “I’m not crazy enough to go out there by myself—I can’t hold a camera and a shotgun at the same time. I put out a notice asking for backup. The next thing I know, a doctor and the chief of police are knocking on my door, offering me an armed escort so I can get my photos. You wouldn’t see that in very many communities.”
james-w-signs
His business has been so successful that he was able to invest in a printing press—and a place to put it.

“Small-batch printing I could do myself, but people were wanting large runs, campaign posters and stuff. I had to hire it out, and it was cutting into my profits. Eventually I saved up to get some better equipment, but I couldn’t put it at my place. It’s noisy as hell—the neighbors would riot.” He rented a corner of an imposing-looking warehouse a considerable distance from New Toulouse. Traveling back and forth is inconvenient, as is sleeping in a drafty warehouse on the weekends, but neither is as inconvenient as a flood or hurricane.

“At the time, I couldn’t afford insurance, and I thought if I put my life savings in an investment and it ends up underwater, I’m ruined,” he said. Because of his forward thinking, the Tattler was able to print an edition on his equipment after the recent storm put the newspaper’s print room out of commission. “I was happy to help,” he said. “I was just so, so glad that I wasn’t in the same predicament.”
james-and-jane
While waiting out the storm, Mr. James packed up most of his art supplies, but he couldn’t resist a little mischief. Residents will have noticed boarded-up windows around town bearing a stenciled image of a kraken and the ominous words “I BELIEVE.”

But does he?

“Believe in sea monsters?” Mr. James snorted. “Nah. But I can’t resist giving the mayor a hard time. Did you see his face?”

James Ads & Signs is at #4 Red Drum Place (phone NT-237). He can also be reached at James Printing or by mail at .

More photos from the interview can be viewed in this Flickr set.


Jane Moreaux has been traveling recently, but she still manages to keep one eye on New Toulouse.

Classifieds

by on Monday, September 8th, 2014

WANTED

WANTED—THIRTY SLED DOGS for cold voyage. Specifications: Malamute type, males 80 pounds, females 70 pounds. To have no trace of St. Bernard, Newfoundland, Dane or other breeds. Maximum price L$500, provided they can be delivered at New Toulouse dock in time for mid-October sailing. Please advise if there is a possibility of purchasing these dogs in your locality.

WANTED—FOUR STRONG YOUNG MEN, possibly brothers of good family, to assist me in guiding European royalty on Wyoming bear, moose, sheep hunt. Hard work, low pay, rub shoulders with royalty for 3 weeks. Contact Cody, Box 23, Cheyenne, Wyo. Send references.

WANTED—A PLAIN WOMAN to help dress semi-invalid three mornings a week for L$1 each morning. Phone NT-119.

HELP WANTED—The New Toulouse Tattler seeks reporters, photographers, and columnists. Interested parties please contact Nikita Weymann, NT-668.


FOR SALE

CEMETERY PLOTS—peace of mind free with every purchase. St. Louis Cemetery, New Toulouse.


MISCELLANEOUS

THIS AD CANNOT BE VIEWED, as it is classified. —S. H.

YOUR BOY AND GIRL should be given the best training to prepare them for success in business. Personal Instruction, Free Employment Department, Complete College Bank, College Store and Wholesale Offices. No misrepresentations to secure students. Through the success of its 22,000 former students, Soule College is recognized everywhere as a Wide Awake, Practical, Popular and Successful School.


Classified ads are posted every Monday and are L$1 per word. No advertisement taken for less than L$25. Contact Nikita Weymann to place an ad.

New pitcher for the Pelicans

by on Sunday, September 7th, 2014

Calling a hasty press conference on the Mama Cree, the mayor announced the newest acquisition for the New Toulouse Pelicans baseball team: Miss Colette Basile. His intention that she start as pitcher surprised everyone. 
 
Standing all of five feet tall, with flashing eyes and perfect skin, and attired in a pearl-colored evening gown, Miss Colette bore no resemblance to any baseball player anyone had ever seen. Mr. Godenot announced her statistics: “She has really big stats, like three thousand or ninety-nine or something like that. I forget, but they’re up there. She can bat left or right, and throws right. Not a real power hitter, but she can throw, and she can steal.”
Miss-Colette-Basile
Miss Basile permitted a few pictures, requesting that the eager photographers send her the nice ones for her baseball card. She flashed her winning smile and said, “You throw the ball, you hit the ball, you catch the ball. And you gotta play it one day at a time. Except when it rains.”
 
The mayor and the ball player left the press conference together, holding hands.
 
The mayor has done some weird things before, but this time he has gone too far. Nobody trades for a pitcher in September. Especially when they don’t own a team, or a ballpark for them to play in.


 
Jack Mondieu is on the ball and off the wagon.