New Toulouse

In another clandestine meeting with confidential informant Deep Tonsils, investigative reporter TrolleyTrollop has learned that Tunnel Man may be a railway worker who was thought to have been buried alive during the 1882 construction of an extension of London’s underground Metropolitan Railway between Aldgate and the Tower of London.

The lone worker to survive the construction accident, Tunnel Man, as he was later dubbed by police, turned to cannibalism to sustain himself. Eluding identification and capture by the combined forces of metropolitan police, Scotland Yard, and Sherlock Holmes, Deep Tonsils claims that Tunnel Man ultimately found his way New Toulouse and sought employment during a major period of city construction.

In an off-the-record interview with New Toulouse lawman Pazzo Pestana, Trollop learned that sources close to the investigation fear that Tunnel Man may use upcoming Mardi Gras celebrations as a diversion to once again stalk the streets and bayous of New Toulouse in search of a new bride to kidnap and install in his hidden lair.

Be on the lookout, citizens and visitors! Pestana has promised extra patrols during the festivities, but it may not be enough to keep the young women of the parish safe. Visiting Dominican friar Father Rob toured St. Louis Cemetery yesterday and told Trollop he would not rest easy until the bones of those poor dead girls were returned and given a proper burial with a Basin Street jazz procession to a waiting crypt.

The Ancient Order of Carricre will parade through the city on Samedi Gras (Fat Saturday), March 1. The parade, made up of the floats of several different krewes, begins at 12:00 noon SLT.

Miz Carter Denja will act as parade emcee and DJ for the post-parade party in Laveau Square. Afterward, Kari’s Bar & Dance will host a concert by popular musician RoseDrop Rust starting at 2:00 PM.

A spokesman for the AOC declined to disclose the identity of this year’s king or queen.

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Jack Mondieu, Ace Reporter, is a figment of your imagination.

TWO MEN burst into the home of a Bayou man last week and fired bullets at him. The Bayou man, though shot several times in the chest at close range, was unharmed. He said the men apologized, saying they were looking for zombies to hunt and had mistaken him for one, even though he was sitting and reading Chekhov at the time.

A WOMAN carrying two small infants toppled into the river from the ferry last week. Just prior to boarding the ferry, she was seen exiting a popular city tavern. A New Toulouse resident saw the accident from the main Bayou dock and rescued them. The woman and children were shaken but unharmed.

POLICE SEEK any information leading to the arrest of a thief currently plaguing the city. Victims typically return home after a night on the town and find that one shoe has been removed from their home, with a note tucked inside its mate instructing them to leave a ransom of carrots at a specified location or face the loss of the shoe forever.

FOR SALE

Dog for sale. Eats anything and is fond of children. NT-747

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WANTED

Wanted, one pair of leaky boots, for practical joke on Boudreaux. —T

WANTED: Identity of person or persons using the Blackmail Box in front of the Tarantula Arms to send this reporter an anonymous warning to keep away from the tunnels and to quit asking questions about the tunnel man. As a member of the Recognized Establishment Media (REM: We don’t sleep so you can), Trolley Trollop ain’t gonna be scared off by anonymous threats and she’ll pay extra for information leading to the identity of a Miss Frannie Alva mentioned in the message slipped under Trolley’s door. (P.S. Trolley ain’t got money to pay her informants, but she’s got some of Sister Cousin’s chocolate truffles and her own secret recipe for the best biscuit you ever done put in your mouth.)

Wanted: Dog that will eat children. —FA

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LOST & FOUND

Who took my spider? Only the web is left! —Swamp Ghost

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HELP WANTED

The New Toulouse Tattler seeks reporters, photographers, and columnists. Interested parties please contact Nikita Weymann.

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PERSONALS

V, I only have eyes for you. No lungs this week, sorry. —J

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Send your classified ad to the Tattler, in care of Nikita Weymann.

I was strolling in the city one day with a friend and saw a really outstanding, beautiful garden. It was the Frosts’ garden. They have lots of different specimens of plants and trees, both in the back and in the front of the house. Before the Frosts moved to town, only the hanging flowers at Harley’s Hotel gave this kind of relief to me.

I had to go back to look at night to take another look.

This woke my curiosity about the gardens of New Toulouse, so the next day I went garden-spotting.

* Click here for more garden photos! *

Trolley Trollop here and on assignment in the Gloryville district, New Toulouse, after a confidential source whispered a tip in her ear when Trolley was busy dancing, catching her some beads, and having more fun than a preacher at a tent revival during Saturday’s Krewe Bayou parade.

Well, weekend’s over and Trolley’s back in New Toulouse, hot on the trail of what may be the Story of the Decade. Trolley even got herself a room in Gloryville down on Basin Street, right across from the cemetery, so she can work the story up good and stick her nose into everybody’s business. Rent costing her all her lunch and pocket money, but that’s all right. People’s got a right to know the Truth, and Trolley’s aiming to sniff it out faster than a hog digs up one of them truffles her Sister Cousin who lives in France is always raving about.

But Trolley’s getting off track. You folks know all about France, seeing how this is LousyAnna (that’s how we sound it out where I comes from in South Alabama). Trolley’s source—and don’t you even try to get her to cough up his name, ’cause Trolley go to jail before she reveal a source. Miss Peggy Hull wouldn’t do it, and neither will Trolley—told her that there are tunnels under this place. Tunnels! Imagine that, in a part of the world where the water table is up to your neck after a rain and you got to bury the dead six feet over the ground so they don’t float up and scare the horses.

Anyway, long time ago it seems there was trouble with those tunnels. That’s the mystery Trolley’s investigating, ’cause nobody’s talking and they just glaze over when Trolley even mentions the word. Mighty suspicious behavior on the part of some folks, ain’t it?

But don’t take my word for it; here’s what Deep Tonsils told Trolley. You read it over, and then you pass on anything you know to Trolley. She’ll be mighty obliged and might even send you some hot biscuits and tupelo honey to say thank you kindly. Trolley gots to solve this mystery, make Mama proud! So you listen up and read the word-for-word, unexpurgated, and gospel-Truth transcript of what Deep Tonsils told Trolley.

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Deep Tonsils: Well, there were a lot of people working on those tunnels, and there was a cave-in one night, Trolley … you know what that is, don’t you?

TrolleyTrollop: Like when the earth moved at Sister Cousin’s place?

DT: Well, yes … but there was a guy trapped down there in the rubble.

TT: Oh! Did they get him out? Or did he pass and now he’s a haint? Oh my god—the gators didn’t get him, did they?

DT: Nobody knows, Trolley. He is a memory, to some at least, but every thirty years, a woman goes missing … a young woman. Some might say it is him, choosing a bride, till she becomes too old, and then he chooses another one. But of course, what do I know?

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Now, ain’t that jest about the most exciting thing you read in a month of Mondays? You got any information at all, you send it along to Trolley, and she’ll jump on it! Slip it under the door of my place here at #3 Basin Street, or send me one of them notecards. We got a story to break!

Respectfully, as befitting a member of the 4th Estate,
Trolley Trollop

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TrolleyTrollop is her Sister Cousin’s (SisterButta) poor relation from south Alabama making her way in SL as a journalist. She ain’t got no portfolio, but she’s got a picture of Miss Peggy Hull on her wall, so you know she’s serious!

The new intra-bayou ferry means it’s time for a new transit map. Here are our notes on the various routes:

Purple: Desire, a streetcar. She stops at the French Market, Laveau Square, and the police station, but feel free to hop on and off anywhere along the way. (Try not to get run over.)

Gold: This ferry takes you along the levee from the French Market dock to where the library is docked. It is mainly used by people with very sore feet.

Blue: This ferry connects the library dock to the main bayou dock and train station. If going from city to bayou, use this short ride to check that you have plenty of ammo.

Red: Mamou, once a streetcar, now repurposed for bayou rail travel. She connects the depot and the east end of the bayou. If you walk along the tracks, try not to be on the bridge at the same time Mamou wants to use it.

Green: This new ferry allows easy travel from the main bayou landmass to the islands—and incidentally makes for a pleasant tour, as long as you’re not worried about gators.

Silver: This marks the footpaths provided by the parish. The east-west one is in pretty good shape, but the north-south one will probably just slide off into the water any day now.

The Krewe Bayou festivities weren’t the only game in town this weekend for Taloosters seeking to get dressed up and have a good time. The Eloquent Elysium hosts weekly themed parties on Sundays at 4:00 PM SLT, and last Sunday it attracted Carnival revelers with a Baroque theme. The Elysium, having had success with silly hats, smoke-outs, and creature features, upped its game and managed not to sink into the swamp under the extra weight of dancers in poofy skirts and powdered wigs.

Photos can be found in this Flickr set. Like most successful parties in New Toulouse, this one ended with exhausted revelers sprawled out on all the available furniture, absinthe in hand.

Elysium owner Miss Bianca Solderini said that next week’s theme is “Opposites.” Participants are encouraged to wear opposite-gender attire (but other clever interpretations of the theme are welcome as well). As always, costumes are not a requirement to attend—but who doesn’t want to see Mayor Godenot in fishnets and heels?

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Jane Moreaux is currently freelancing for the Tattler because reopening that abandoned gambling den on the bayou hasn’t turned into the moneymaking venture she had hoped.

On Saturday, February 15, the good times rolled, they pranced, they hopped, and they danced at the very first Krewe Bayou parade. Wild and wonderful creatures took to the streets of New Toulouse in a Mardi Gras mood; colorful, noisy, weaving, and sometimes colliding, the parade snaked through the streets, bringing joy and beads to those spectators who cheered from the sidelines.

Captain Francesca Alva was the small but mighty leader of the party-pack, gracefully keeping everyone in line (sort of), from the very tall Trombone Creature, who set the pace, to the Toad King bringing up the rear. Paraders included tinies, chariot drivers, a kraken on horseback, equestrian butterflies, a tiny Mayor Godenot, a deep-sea diver in an aquarium, a bird-headed man, and Superman; umbrella dancers added to the magic and the color of the event.

As February 15 was also Hippo Day gridwide, hippopotamus-shaped balloons abounded in the crowd, and King Hippo could be seen holding court in the little yard behind Lafitte’s.

As the parade approached Gloryville, the marching band at the front disappeared, along with the captain and many paraders, but all returned quickly, some wiping foam from their mouths. We can only speculate that it was a planned rehydration break, as the parade continued on as if nothing had happened, finally ending up circling Laveau Square before dissolving into a dance party in the park.

When it was all over, everyone agreed that it was the very best parade that New Toulouse has ever seen. Here is the list of official Krewe Bayou parade participants, as far as we can tell: Captain Fran, the Oh Lord What Is That marching band (Q, Henri, and Liza), Queen Alycia, King Aodhan (aka King Walksintowalls), Queen Guenevere, King Blake, Queen Galatea, Queen Jane, the Toad King (Karima), Queen Kes, King Lawrence, Queen Maggie, King Marcel, and King Pazzo. Countless additional people turned out to join the second line.

Award-winning filmmaker Natascha Randt shot a great movie of the parade. Thanks to Miss Randt, we can keep these memories forever.

After the parade, the Bayou Belle, decked out as an imitation kraken with streamer-tentacles, lifted off from the town square and was seen flying around the city and bayou, its passengers flinging beads and what appeared to be small octopuses onto balconies.

At nightfall, Taloosters who were not yet too drunk assembled at the city docks to ooh and aah at a spectacular fireworks display shot off from the top tier of the steamboat. There were cheers, funny comments, and admiration for the awesome display. Spectators were witness to a twenty-minute finale, something that is rarely seen outside China.

Everyone went home to change out of their dusty costumes and take showers before the big celebratory dance at Kari’s Bar and Dance later that night. Bluesman Jimmyt Dukes entertained an enthusiastic and appreciative audience of over fifty revelers. Balloons and confetti rained down on the club, the liquor flowed, and a few opium pipes could be seen turning the air a cloudy, dreamy blue.

The after-party at Kari’s went on a few hours more, until finally a naked neighbor (not mentioning any names) rode in on a horse (possibly another neighbor), ran over a few customers, and went out the dock door. The party wound down at the end of, as Mayor Godenot commented, “the best day we have ever had in New Toulouse.”

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Jack Mondieu, Ace Reporter, would like to thank all those who contributed to this story; also he is seeking a good headache cure.

Dr. Guenevere D’Avalon would like to announce her new venture, the Apothecary Tea Room and Tavern. It combines an English tea room with an outdoor tavern and patio where the bayou folk can stop by on the way to the city, or city folk can hopefully catch a bit of the bayou at the pier.

“I had many ideas for the old atelier space, and this was what seemed to work well,” Dr. Avalon said. “Whether you are a city type or a country cousin, you can find a place here at my tea room. I will also prepare several unique herbal remedies and teas. After all, if a New Orleans pharmacist can invent the cocktail, what can a New Toulouse doctor do?”

The Apothecary is right behind the Tattler building, near the cemetery. “I guess this means I will need to bribe the staff with specials, though I think I shall stay away from meat pies,” said Dr. Avalon. “Ale works better.”

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Avis Picayune is a tough old bird that perches on the porches of the city. Wet her beak with a little liquor, and she may sing out some interesting tidbits.