New Toulouse

Familiar to Taloosters for her secondhand shop, Look What the Cat Dragged In, Ms. Kristine Jinx-Kristan has lately established a haven for homeless cats. Seeing the sign out front advertising a pre-Halloween black cat adoption drive, naturally I had to find out more. Luckily Miz KK was on the premises.

What made you decide to open a cat shelter?

Ever since the horrific catburger scandal, I have tried to keep an eye out the feline population of New Toulouse. While most of them are quite independent and only need food left out in the park occasionally, some have grown accustomed to making themselves at home at my apartment and shop. They are of course quite welcome, but after a customer returned two rugs and a loveseat claiming they caused sneezing fits in her husband, I decided they needed their own place of refuge.

Why a black cat adoption drive before Halloween?

It is a myth that black cats are especially in danger before Halloween. Many shelters refuse to adopt out black cats in October for fear they will be abused by pranksters or worse. I feel that they are in more danger on the streets, as any cat is, all year round. My main goal is to find them loving, forever homes. My adoption screening and fees help ensure that anyone wishing to have one of my precious darlings is of good morals and means.

Additionally, along with neutering and socialization, each cat has been taught a secret, and if things get too weird, I will come and personally extract them and bring them back to safety.

These cats seem very well looked after, even pampered. Would you consider taking in a stray human? I’m getting tired of sleeping on the Tattler office couch.

I’m sure we could arrange something. My sole volunteer—Kevin, who attends the info desk—could use a break from time to time. Bless his heart.

The Bayou Street Adoptive Home For Unhoused Cats and Kittens is located northwest of Laveau Square on the corner of Bayou Street and Bogus Alley. Taloosters are encouraged to stop in and socialize with the cats anytime, even if they aren’t thinking of adopting.

Jack Mondieu, Ace Reporter, is a figment of your imagination.

On Tuesday evening the New Toulouse Department of Health barred Urchin Food Franchyzez [sic] from operating in the city. A recent letter to the editor of this newspaper alerted city officials to a possible health hazard, and the New Toulouse Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals lodged a strongly worded complaint against the French Market food vendor. The city imposed a fine upon Urchin Food Franchyzez, whereupon the sole known operator disappeared from town, with the fine still unpaid.

The mayor’s office issued the following statement: “Based on resident complaints we dispatched an almost human squad to remove the nasty food stall. All food served in the market will be subjected to a cleanliness and taste test, and unsuitable food vendors will be thrown in the canal.”

Gigi Lapin is a resident of New Toulouse Bayou and an aficionado of the finest carrots.

Dear Madam Editor,

It is with a heavy heart and drooping ears that I bring a matter of serious concern to the attention of the Tattler and the community of New Toulouse. Recently, upon my visit to the French Market Dock to appreciate the new Ferry, I paused to browse the market stalls located there. Imagine my horror when I saw, right alongside my favorite fishmonger, a vendor with fare so foul as Urchin Food Franchyzez currently offers. I cannot imagine how the proprietor obtained a passing grade on a Health Inspection (not to mention a spelling test) with their current menu items. Now, being of the feline persuasion, I do love a well-prepared rodent-based dish. However, on the menu, amongst the Mysteree Stew and the Vegable Curri, I saw a dish so mortifying that it made my blood run cold and caused me to bristle so fiercely that I do believe I levitated for a moment.

I am speaking, of course, of Catburgers—brazenly advertised with a picture of a live kitten. I found this so offensive I could barely finish my Rat-on-a-Stick.

Upon my inquiry, the ersatz chef refused to provide any information of his ingredients (or speak at all), and I fear and suspect that they are locally sourced. Therefore, I urge the community to boycott Urchin Food Franchyzez in hopes that this gruesome gourmet will close up shop and peddle his grim gastronomy elsewhere. Furthermore, until the dock is cleansed of this stain on New Toulouse, I shall be keeping my beloved companions Monty and Taffy indoors, as I fear for their lives, and dare I say my own as well.

With Hackles Raised,

Kristine Jinx-Kristan

Galerie du Chat-fille

No. 7 Shotgun Row, New Toulouse

CC: New Toulouse Department of Health, NTSPCA