New Toulouse

Mayor Henri Godenot received this letter from Mr. Isadore Boudreaux and requested that it be shared with our readers.

Dear Mayor,
 
Thank you for sending my marbles. I think there was some kinda hole in my marble bag, and I would have been lost lost lost like Quebedeaux’s hoss if I had gone to Chicago for the Marbles Championship without my marbles.
 
Instead, I took me first place. Here is what happened:
 
We took the train to Chicago and rented a white mule to go from the train station to the contest. We wanted us a white mule so it would be easy to find our ride. Everyone else must have thought the same way, there must have been 20 white mules tied up behind the championship hall.
 
I GOT TO PLAY MARBLES ON THE CARPETED FLOOR OF A CASINO!
 
Anyway, after I won, and we took the pictures and stuff, we tried to leave but it was hard to remember where Thibodeaux had parked the mule. I was nervous, me, in the big city, but Thibodeaux was as solid as a rock. He started looking under the tails of all of the mules, saying, “No, not this one.”
 
I axed him, “Mais Thibodeaux, what you looking for?”
 
Thibodeaux said, “Special anatomy, Boudreaux! Didn’t you hear those guys talking when we rode up? ‘Look at them two asses on that mule!’?”
 
We finally found it, and caught the train, and made it home.
 
I brought you some sausage from Chicago.
 
—Boudreaux

The Great War was in full force, and the German High Command was puzzled after receiving a strange telegram:

GREETINGS FROM THE PARISH OF NEW TOULOUSE STOP
THIS IS BOUDREAUX AND THIBODEAUX STOP
WE HAVE DECIDED TO DECLARE WAR ON YOU STOP
WE SUGGEST YOU SURRENDER IMMEDIATELY STOP

The Germans, not knowing what to make of this, decided to have some fun, and replied:

GREETINGS FROM GERMAN HIGH COMMAND STOP
UNDERSTAND YOU INTEND TO DECLARE WAR STOP
BE ADVISED THE NAVY OF THE HIGH SEAS HAS MORE THAN 40 CAPITAL SHIPS AND A SECRET NUMBER OF U BOATS STOP
WE WILL NOT BE SURRENDERING AT THIS TIME STOP

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were not impressed. They replied:

THIBODEAUXS COUSINS HAVE MORE PIROGUES THAN YOU HAVE U BOATS AND WE DONT KNOW WHAT CAPITAL SHIPS ARE BUT WE HAVE SOME BIGASS SHRIMP BOATS TO CHASE YOU FROM THE WATER STOP
DON’T FORGET TO WEAR YOUR LIFE PRESERVERS STOP

The Germans replied:

WE HAVE MORE THAN 100 FLYING MACHINES AND 15 ZEPPELINS STOP

The Cajuns replied:

WE HAVE GOOSE GUNS STOP
GAME WARDEN SAYS IT IS OK WITH HIM IF WE LOAD BUCKSHOT STOP

The Germans played their trump card:

LOOKING FORWARD TO MEETING YOU IN FIELD STOP
BE ADVISED WE HAVE MORE THAN 12 MILLION MEN IN THE FIELD STOP

At which time our heroes decided to quit:

WE WILL NOT BE GOING TO WAR AT THIS TIME STOP
SORRY TO BOTHER YOU STOP
THE WAR IS OFF STOP
THE SHERIFFS WIFE SAID THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL SHE WILL COOK FOR 12 MILLION PRISONERS OF WAR STOP

The regional marbles tournament is fast approaching, but without your help, New Toulouse Parish may go unrepresented. That’s because Boudreaux, the local star “mibster,” recently misplaced his lucky marbles.
 
Apparently trusting in a bag whose structural integrity is less than ideal is a good way to scatter one’s prized possessions all over town. The heartbroken Boudreaux told us, “Maybe I’ll just give up playing marbles forever, me.”
 
But Boudreaux’s friends aren’t giving up so easily. The Boudreaux Spotters Illiance (“Yeah, we spell it with an ‘I’—what are you, the dictionary police?”) formed recently with the goal of finding every one of the missing marbles in time for the June tournament. Headed by Boudreaux’s pals Thibodeaux and Robicheaux, the BSI is calling on the public to assist in the hunt.
 
According to Thibodeaux, the good people of New Toulouse have stepped up to offer rewards for the marbles’ return. (Turn to page 7 for the current list.) Said Robicheaux, “Boudreaux, he loves them marbles. He even gave them all names, like they was people. Please help us get them back!”

Mayor Henri Godenot added, “That Boudreaux was the best marble player in the world, but he can’t be the best if he lost his marbles. We need to help him so he can go on to marble fame and glory.”

If you would like to help find the marbles, go to the New Toulouse land office to obtain a marble hunter’s kit. The Missing Marbles hunt runs through May 30.

Gigi Lapin lives in New Toulouse Bayou with her pet crawfish, Jimbo.

Artist’s conception of Goat Gang leader and his moll

That’s the advice of Miss Miette Lin, the proprietor of Lin Laundry, who says that she returned from making a delivery to find a shaggy intruder atop her nightstand. After the interloper departed, she noticed that two pairs of red long johns were missing.

A spokesman for the New Toulouse Street Railway Company says that passengers should expect streetcar delays, “due to random appearances of groups of Goats at intersections.”

Police warn that the gang members are dangerous. “The Goats wear distinctive headgear shaped like horns,” said Inspector Palmer. “If you see one, do not approach him, but instead telephone us for help.”

One man sustained minor bruising during an altercation with a Goat and even spilled his coffee. “Looka dat bruise,” said Mr. Boudreaux. “Dat ain’t no leetle bruise.”

Gigi Lapin lives in New Toulouse Bayou with her pet crawfish, Jimbo.